Until Your Heart Stops Kick Drum Beating

(Unspoken–Good Fight)

Oh my…funny how I am reading about anxiety and then get some first hand experience…’cause some lady comes up to me while I am studying and starts yelling at me because in her opinion I saw her outside earlier and didn’t let her in…and I politely tell her I didn’t see her (and besides, even if I had, while I am a security threat who will open locked doors for people I don’t know, in reality I am very much aware that I probably shouldn’t be doing that, and most people probably wouldn’t especially while TRYING to learn stuffs…just sayin’)…and she keeps yelling at me and yelling at me and I don’t really know what to do, but eventually she goes away…luckily without beating me up first, but I really thought she was going to start attacking me…and I was internally cursing myself for sitting in a corner with my laptop charger blocking the only way out…although I suppose it also was moderately acting as a barrier between me and her also…

…and of course when a couple minutes later I was totally fine I was the pharmacy nerd that I am training to be and said to myself hmm 15 minutes is less than 2-3 weeks, therefore this was a normal response to a situational stressor…

Speaking of anxiety…someone recently mentioned that perhaps the anxiety I used to experience was so intense that now I just don’t even register anxiety when I really am feeling anxiety because it is so mild by comparison…I kind of doubt that, but I was thinking we could test that and know once and for all by giving me yohimbine…that drug will induce panic in a patient with anxiety, but will not in most normal patients…but that might not be such a good idea both because I am not sure of the legality of that, and because a quick glance at my history would indicate that whether I am symptomatic now or not that I definitely am predisposed towards anxiety, and I don’t really want to know what a panic attack feels like…I have a lot more important things to worry about…like the fact that between 8ish this morning when I finished cooking for the week and 11:30 when I stopped for lunch I had read about 4 sentences…I might be a slow reader, but I know I am not THAT slow…where did the time go??…I remember getting up to vacuum because I mopped the floor Friday but didn’t vacuum first so that was a legit-ish reason to get up…but I don’t have a big apartment…that does not account for my time…I really have no way to account for most of my time most days…kinda frustrating…I didn’t even take a break to research gluten-free daycare today…(yeah…that was what I had fun doing last week when I should have been studying…it was interesting, but not productive)

Also, I just finished reading that most patients with a psych disorder have 2+ disorders in their lifetime…and I thought to myself…YAY knocked it out of the park–I hit my lifetime quota and conquered it before even graduating from college!! Now I can be done forever and ever and ever…umm yeah, I don’t think that’s how it works…I think the idea is more that once you’ve got one you are more likely to at some point have another…although I’d kinda like to study whether that is really that if you’ve been dx with one you’ve prob seen a counselor and are therefore more likely to go back and in turn be dx again later if you’ve had one…IDK…I should prob go back to reading instead of writing, ’cause I don’t really want to know that all my time went to writing and not learning…also, I am not burned enough for it to be outwardly noticeable, but I did burn enough today to be uncomfortable and crabby…because apparently it didn’t occur to me that even if I was right next to the door I was still outside, and the sun could still try to kill me…(haha…melodramatic much, girlyQ?)…luckily I wasn’t outside too long, because a metal grid is just not that comfortable to lay on…


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