I’ve Known Rejection

(Until I met You—Laura Story)

…oh yes…I have known rejection and hurt, which is why yesterday when a security guard beckoned to me my immediate reaction was to assume the worst…I admit that I have had a few good interactions with security like second year when I accidentally learned about the center of balance and gravity, and was internally freaking out about the resulting broken glass, but even more so about the germs that I felt were now covering my lower body. The security guard calmly called a janitor to clean up the broken glass and was gently concerned about my bare feet as I wandered around picking up the non-broken items and throwing away the bigger broken pieces (but not yelling at me and not mad)…but the bad far outweighs and outnumbers the good, and being beckoned briefly flashed me back to the first day of school, but I heard my name over the radio, and I was pretty sure there wasn’t going to be collaboration to hurt me without someone more gently letting me know in advance…so my mind was still going a mile a minute and the next thing it came up with was that they were looking at security footage and saw me walk through the mulch instead of using the sidewalk like a civilized human being…I know a lot of people cut across the mulch, and I know that doing so is rude, and I don’t usually do it, but I was having one of those days where walls and other stationary objects are not my friends, and cutting through the mulch was going to save me turning a corner, and I was terrified that someone looking for a chance to hurt me had decided this was it. I was getting ready to have my tattered heart ripped into shreds…but instead I was pleasantly surprised by someone who cared.

Usually communication is not so great at school, but someone made the specific effort to tell me that the res hall and Jones hall would be closed for 2 hrs in the morning. That was awesome and meant a lot to me. This was a good step towards building a bridge across the river of hurt that has flowed through my life. Expectation management is huge, and usually I only find these things out by trial and error and my primary inside study spot is the res hall, and my secondary inside study spot is Jones hall, and it is a LOT less frustrating when I know in advance what is going on and can even plan what I want to do about it…and it also saves the frustration if I am not physically blocked of being told to leave as if I should have known that when I had absolutely no way of knowing…

Also, another good experience I had yesterday was that I charged 4 cents to a card…see inside my head I needed to go to the store…however based on my former plans for the day I didn’t have time for Schnucks, so instead I went to Walgreens…except I didn’t really need anything from Walgreens so after hours wasted not getting anything done earlier in the day because I am stupid and lazy, I spent another 20 minutes wandering around choosing something to buy…and I ended up spending 4 cents more than I had left on my phone and since Walgreens wasn’t originally on my to do list I didn’t have any real money with me…I don’t know why I expected that to be a problem—at work I have had people swipe their card for even less than that before…but the workers at Walgreens are not always the greatest, so I kind of just expected to be laughed at, and I wasn’t…I should have gone to Schnucks on Tuesday when milk was on sale…however, I kinda forgot that ads change in the middle of the week here instead of on the weekends so I planned to go Saturday…someday I will install an upgrade on my brain that makes it work better…I think that upgrade is called graduate and go home where everything is how it is supposed to be, because it is dumb for the ads to change mid-week…

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