Monthly Archives: April 2015

It’s All But a Breath in the Grand Scheme of Things

(Different Kind of Free–ZoeGirl)

I love this lyric…this isn’t exactly the direction the song goes, but for me, this phrase is an incredible reminder that although hard and painful circumstances might seem all-consuming and never-ending, but eventually whether in this life or in heaven, those trials will have been alleviated, and when you consider that I have all of eternity to walk with my maker, the years of my physical life seem to be reduced to barely a mention. Ultimately, things that seem right now to have lasted a LONG time will eventually be just a teeny tiny part of my reality and my story.

Oh, and I am a day late, but am linking up with Holley Gerth again for the release of You’re Loved No Matter What: Freeing Your Heart from the Need to Be Perfect. The prompt is: Where have you seen beauty from brokenness?

One of my strengths when I took a strengthsfinder test first year was developer. That means, among other things, that I recognize and derive satisfaction from small amounts of progress. I think it is incredibly beautiful how although there has been a lot of pain and brokenness in my life, particularly over the past two years, that I am still thriving and learning to move past.

Today was an incredible day and there isn’t much of it I would change given the opportunity…except maybe a bit more focused studying…and perhaps a bit more sunscreen…’cause the sunscreen works better if you put it on BEFORE you start burning…luckily I burned enough that I am a bit uncomfortable, but not enough that it is excruciatingly painful…which is especially important considering how much time I will be spending in the car to go home in a little over a week…

So yeah, I had to walk around some puppies to get to the res hall after class and then to go put my shoes in my car before I lost them and because I struggle not to wear my heart on my sleeve, I was almost crying because I wanted so much to play with them and didn’t know if I could…so yeah…and then I found out I could and got to play with them and it was super exciting, and like five minutes later it was time to eat lunch with some of my friends, and I took a lot of breaks from eating to play with the dogs some more…and it was so fun to hang out with my friends for a while…and I found a bird on the sidewalk, and I wanted to play with it, and I kind of knew that like bunnies outside it probably wouldn’t let me play, but as it turned out, it did let me pick it up…it wasn’t a fan of being picked up with one hand but when I used two hands it seemed okay with it. I brought the birdie over to my friends and one of my friends took a turn holding it for a while…we were deciding what to do with the bird because it was super cute when I guess the bird got tired of being petted and photographed by a group of college students and flew away…here is a picture of the bird after its escape, sitting in a tree…isn’t it adorable?!

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I then talked/played with puppies some more. Then my friends had to go to class, and I found a lot more friends outside…then I realized I’d been wasting time for about two hours and tried to get some studying in…with breaks for more puppies…and then a break for ice cream and juice and more social time…and now I am at the place I volunteer which I will deeply miss when I have to leave since I will likely not be back until August (assuming I am able to find the time to return in the fall)…

I am missing an event I kind of wanted to go to tonight, but I can’t do everything…and it requires being quiet for 49 seconds, and TBH, anyone who really knows me would likely be able to discern that I probably wouldn’t be overly successful at being quiet that long…but I really wish I could be there…partly because I want to, and partly because I feel really guilty missing events that I feel like I should be at…and as the secretary of self-defense club, I really ought to be at their special event.

So anyway, the fact that I even wanted to be at an event like this is awesome. Eighteenish months ago, the people everywhere would have been too much for me to handle instead of being invigorating. Twelveish months ago, looking at the dogs would have been fun, but there is no way that I would have touched them unless it was a social requirement, and even then I would have left to wash my hands as soon as it was socially acceptable…Actually, today was watermelon bash, and on the day of watermelon bash last year, I couldn’t go outside because there were too many people, and I was inside and held a puppy’s leash for a few minutes until her owner could put her away, and even that I was touching as little as possible and washed my hands ASAP once the leash was taken away…when the dog escaped a little later, I was thrilled to play with it, but back then “play” didn’t involve touching…luckily she (the puppy) was okay with that and was reasonably responsive to my commands, and the people whose office she went in before I could stop her were very gracious and stopped to pet her instead of acting like I was bothering them and probably should have been more-hands-on in my watching the puppy…and I am not going to describe the rest of the night because it is kind of embarrassing to talk about how I was crying at one point but couldn’t use my words to explain what was happening…but anyway…it was super awesome to be able to play with including touching the puppies and really only wipe my hands off on my shirt before eating…oh, and weeks ago just knowing who had the potential to be there would have left me wondering if I *really* had to eat lunch and see my 5th year friends or if I could just stay inside and pretend I didn’t notice how hungry I was…

I have a lot more to say, but it is far past time to get back to studying. I love my friends.

Like a family that sticks together a true friend loves forever

(True Friend–Discovery at Camp Wise-N-Up)

So a friend and I had a great conversation last night…the kind that can only be had by two people who have lived a lot together (notice that is not lived together a lot…we have never been roomies and don’t see each other a whole lot). I hate English classes and stuff, but I love how the placement of one word can completely change the meaning of a sentence if you are paying attention…it is really cool in a nerdy kind of way how with a little perception the same set of words in a slightly different order or slightly different emphasis can mean something so different…words are powerful…

So we’ll use F for friend and M for me. (ellipses mean a brief pause, not that any words are missing).

F: hey how are things with the thing?

M: I haven’t seen you in forever! It’s like you disappeared, but anyway IDK there are ups and downs, but it is okay at the moment anyway…there were things and then things with things and things but for now it has settled down and the things aren’t really a big deal for now.

F: that’s good. I know sometimes it really isn’t okay…I still think that’s dumb…I was so mad for you when that thing and that time.

M: Yeah, but it really isn’t the end of the world…life went on…

F: yeah, but that’s not fair…you’re not going to that thing at that time when and right…that is so frustrating and unfair…I am so mad for you.

M: I’m not going but it’s not a big deal…if things were the only reason I couldn’t go I would be SO MAD SO MAD, but there’s also the same reason as I could only pretend to go to that thing with you last week…so things can happen if they want and whatevs to that. See if I care!!

F: You should still be mad though because that is so not fair, but I love that you think like that

M: Well, thank you.

For one thing, I LOVE seeing this person. For another thing, I LOVE that I could have this conversation with her…and for a third thing, I LOVE that although we used very few descriptive words and I am pretty sure we both knew exactly what we were talking about…haha…yeah…I doubt you caught it, but there were actually two distinct situations we discussed, and one ongoing situation in the part of the conversation that I transcribed here…Yeah, I know there was a lot of “mad” going on in the conversation. We weren’t exactly talking about positive events…since some people witnessed the conversation I don’t want to post on the internet in such a way that anyone would be able to know both with whom I was talking and what we were talking about, so I am not going to reveal what we were talking about (And I am pretty sure that although this was how our conversation started and we were on the same page that no one else would read this conversation and have any idea what we were discussing.) but suffice it to say that it is something that it is definitely beyond fair to be really mad about…Also, beyond the ability to have a conversation like this and know what is going on, you know you are a special friend when I am not mad that you are keeping me up late to talk…

Leave my pride by my side

(undignified–David Crowder)

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I cleaned out the two small pockets of my backpack…oh my…yes, this did all (plus the phone I took the pic on) come out of a tiny little space…and this, my friends, is why 1. I can never find anything and 2. Why things can be lost without ever leaving my backpack…

Only one article of clothing isn’t too bad for my backpack…until you realize that my backpack is not intended to hold ANY clothing on days when a third bag is carried around except when that third bag is serving as a purse…and when you consider the pouch it came from is most definitely not where clothing belongs when it is in my backpack…

I was actually surprised at how few candy wrappers and tickets had managed to still be in there…evidence that I have done mini-clean outs pretty regularly…although everything except the clothing and the stuff in the lower left corner of the picture was organized and shoved back into the backpack…

Someday I wanna be the kind of person who never finds three pairs of shorts in her backpack when cleaning it out and doesn’t have to dig around the plastic frog and other random pieces of plastic to find needed items…not that I’ve never found multiple complete outfits in the bottom of my backpack before…oh wait…haha yeah, that has happened…explained a lot about why my backpack seemed so heavy even when it had “barely anything in it.”

Also, someday I wanna be the kind of person who doesn’t go to see a test and have the teacher say they don’t know what to tell me because my main problem is things like for example the number morphing from 3.8hrs to 8hrs halfway through my work which obviously leads to a rather wide margin of error in my final answer…

Someday I wanna be the kind of person who reads the whole question instead of assuming she knows what the question will be and getting it wrong…

…but right now I am only the kind of person with a messy backpack…

…but yesterday I saw a book called “that crumpled up paper was due last week” and that sounds like a very good and relatable book…I have absolutely no idea what it is about, but I LOVED the title…

I’m Finally Free!!!!!

(Finally Free–Nichole Nordeman)

Life Lessons from mostly today and one from Thursday…

Don’t put your phone in your mouth…besides how disgusting it is when you think about that, it kinda feels like you’re choking…yet somehow I manage to continue to do it anyway…

Don’t scream FREEDOM until you’re sure no one is around to hear you…not that I did that or anything…okay fine…so it might have happened twice…within the span of about half an hour…but in my defense it was after an hour of sitting still so I had way more energy than I knew what to do with…

Don’t use waiting room chairs as gymnastic toys…mostly just because you are not 5 years old anymore and I don’t want you to get caught acting like that…but also because there is a brief adrenaline rush that occurs when the chair starts to tip over, and that kind of adrenaline rush makes you start to brainstorm more stupid activities that I have to keep you from acting on…like tasting your shoes…ummm NO, girlyQ…OFF LIMITS!!

Oh, and don’t decide that coffee tastes so good that you just need to have it even though you know it makes you sick unless you can sleep it off…’cause when you are halfway home and feel like you are going to simultaneously fall asleep and throw up that is no fun…so unless you can get the timing right so you can be asleep in bed before the nausea kicks in, just don’t do it…

Oh yeah, and don’t run around in parking lots barefoot…because I said so…and you can take off your shoes, but you can’t take off your feet…

Listen to yourself…when someone comments on how you’re sitting still and you think to yourself yeah, but at the end of this hour I will have used up my ability to sit still and every Saturday I am here I am running in circles after and sitting still in church later is pretty much impossible and I cannot do it and will be wiggly throughout the entire service and have a really hard time staying in my seat and not bothering the people around me…if you were listening to this correctly instead of hearing congratulations you would hear: I have a short period every day that I really can sit still if I need to so I should intentionally capture that time for something that really matters and let myself get up every 5 minutes if needed when it won’t hurt anything…

Please act like a 22 year old instead of a 12 year old and wash your makeup off with water plus or minus soap instead of by rubbing it off with your fingers…

Oh yeah, and don’t wear the same dress shirt for four occasions in a row, because especially when it is like a billionty trillion degrees in your car it starts smelling like sweat…plus it is not so good when those four events include church two weeks in a row and school events on consecutive days…

So keep your head up ignore the pain, ’cause there’s nothing about you that’s plain

(Plain–ZoeGirl)

My shoulders are sore today…from too much laughing yesterday…as far as problems go, that’s a pretty good one to have…I LOVE people…although the part of me that knows how much stuff I need to get done ASAP thinks it might not have been my greatest choice, the part of me that knows I am extremely extroverted had SO MUCH FUN hanging out with people from like 3:15 until 7:15…and meeting some new friends…and you know I’m enjoying myself when I barely even notice that it is 7:30 and I haven’t had dinner yet…

I was recently listening to the marching band music from my sophomore year. The music wasn’t really as awful as I remember it being…not great, but not horrific….just goes to show how negativity can seep from one area into another…I was SO not happy about having to go outside that we prob could’ve been playing my favorite songs and I would have found something about the music to complain about…and of course, then there was my junior year when they decided we should have ugly uncomfortable new uniforms…and then my senior year when they added the stupid berets…no one wants to get a stupid bright blue beret to stay on their head Kthxbai…Despite the fact that I didn’t have the lung capacity to play a reed instrument at the time of instrument choosing, I still regret not being an oboe player…even aside from the fact that oboe is not so common so you don’t have to even be any good, playing oboe means you get the honor of not having to be in marching band if you don’t want to be, AND you can get credit and your A for being in band but use the time as a study hall…still just a little jealous of the oboe players…as a flute player I will never get a study hall in band even if there is no flute in a song, because flutes are a front two rows instrument which means staying in front of everyone the entire time…and flutes definitely can’t get out of marching…

Also, this flower I got the week before Valentines day from one of my friends and last weekend I was holding scissors and somehow I ended up decapitating the flower…I really have no idea where that idea came from or how I managed to act on it before realizing it wasn’t my brightest idea…despite it not having any light almost ever, the stem had started growing new stuff so I planted it…however I expect it to die soon, because out of sight out of mind…and I totally forgot about that until I uploaded the pictures this morning…20150420_185752 20150420_185842 20150420_190012 20150420_190014 20150420_190123

Oh, and this candy heart I know someone who would probs like it…I don’t really know why there are animal names on the candy heart…kinda like I don’t understand the candy heart that says “let’s read” “1+1=2” or “science is fun” but I guess people can print whatever they want on their candy…

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Her last words still hanging in the air. In the air…and I will pull the trigger.

(Cassie–Flyleaf)

I have a love-hate relationship with this song…I love the music, and I think some of the lyrics are incredible, but it is apparently supposed to be based on a real school-shooting event, but the story it is based on is not actually true. It is a great story to say that the girl was asked if she believed in God and was killed for answering in the affirmative, but that didn’t happen…security footage and reports of the people there show that there was no conversation going on, not even any time to have a conversation. The shooter appeared and opened fire. It is possible that she lived in such a way that her faith was evident, but my hunch is that her faith had nothing to do with whether or not she was shot—she was simply in the wrong place at the right time…

Speaking of loving people well (which in my opinion is the most important part of living out your faith), we had an assembly in high school called Rachel’s challenge. I’m not really sure what the point of the assembly was aside from forcing us out of our classes…but basically they talked on and on about this girl who was so nice, and then she got shot…I was left wondering, so is my take away supposed to be don’t be nice to people because you’ll get killed anyway, or is my public high school telling me I better believe in God because you never know when you’re going to die? (There were definitely some Christian overtones to that presentation). After that presentation we were supposed to all sign a banner…no one really knew why we had to sign it and there was no way that they were really going to look through for every person’s signature, so a lot of people kind of got in the mob and then left without signing…and it was one of those times I really wished I wasn’t a rules-follower, because there was no way I was going to leave that gymnasium without signing the banner despite how majorly inconvenient it was and how I was constantly at the back of the line because I was too timid to push towards the front…I’m just lucky all of one grade had to leave the room before the next grade came in or else I might never have made it back to class…

I was going to take this another direction to talk about no’s that avoid pain and yes’s that might hurt, but I decided that this wasn’t the right time to write about that…as it turns out my notes have still not studied themselves despite having everything they could possibly need…so I’m gonna have to actually do the studying 😦 🙂

Tell me to be quiet, I’ll shout some more!

(Let it Out–ZoeGirl)

As the title sorta suggests, this is mostly just a random compilation of things in my head that need to come out to I can focus on learning…my brain seems to think ‘study’ means ‘think of all the non-school related things that you might want to find out about.’ Which means I learn a lot of things, but not anything my teachers want me to learn about…like I have recently been soft-researching sleepovers with diabetic kids…really interesting hearing different people’s perspectives…but really not useful in helping me learn about cancer or thyroid or pregnancy or any of the other things my teachers would like me to know…

Y’all, I am not perfect…Shocker haha…One of the many areas in which I have some room to grow is in protecting people beyond the point where it is reasonable to continue to protect them…For example, my response to hearing people talk about cheating: put on my headphones louder so I don’t hear enough details to feel like I HAVE to report it…I know…wrong response…but that’s how hard it is for me to hurt anyone…that’s why I know that people have helped each other on quizzes, completely written entire papers for each other, and numerous other less than acceptable actions, yet I have never tattled on any of them…I’m sorry…I just can’t…sometimes there are benefits to not knowing people’s names…this would be one of them. Part of what allows me to justify never tattling is that unless the cheater is talking about it on facebook, I usually do not know the name of the cheater, and it is not like it is probably very useful if I turned in “that kid in the red t-shirt today and her friend in the purple sweat-shirt”…

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know what asbestos was when I was spending a lot of time in a building with a notice about asbestos on the door…I was reading about toxicology, and now I know that I increased my chance significantly for lung cancer…at least I don’t smoke—that is synergistic with asbestos exposure…I don’t even know what asbestos are…I just know if you breathe them in too much you have a heightened risk of lung cancer.

One of my definitions of happiness: a full bowl of cheerios after months of frosted flakes…cheerios are probably my favorite cereal…I am not brand loyal for cheerios—I think all the brands taste the same—but I do think that the original cheerios are by far the best…honey nut cheerios just aren’t that exciting…

So much for my fantasies about eating Dominoes pizza and Qdoba and McDonalds in Texas and eating chocolate chip cookies on airplanes…I applied for a leadership conference in Texas for a weekend in the summer. I was super excited about the actual leadership conference, but I also as soon as I heard about it started fantasizing about how much fun I was going to have in Texas…and realistically my trip would likely not contain all of those foods anyway, but I was excited…and then I found out I was not selected…considering who was doing the choosing I suppose I should have expected as much, but I had really hoped that this was an opportunity I’d get to partake in. I was SO excited for this conference…I didn’t even care that Texas is hot…I just wanted to go to a conference all about building leadership…I might already be a leader, but I believe there is always more to know to refine your skills…and while they may say leadership skills are caught, not taught, I believe there is also something to be said for formal instruction…

I know the world certainly does not revolve around me, however, there are certain things that based on my past I will interpret as being about me until further evidence arises to acquit the guilty party, particularly when other suspicious activity has recently taken place. Among other things, to prevent Shadow from following me, I try to refrain from entering the parking garage between a half hour before she usually left last year and an hour and a half after that time…It is kind of annoying when all I want to do is go home some days and I can’t, but it is worth it to not have to worry about being followed and watched. Except Shadow is unpredictable. I was outside talking on my phone and it was about an hour after “the time” and Shadow walked outside…I turned around and promptly walked into a tree (oops…I am clumsy. I would not recommend doing that, because besides branches in your face you also get all sorts of tree stuff falling down on you and it made my eyes really itchy and uncomfortable). Anyway, after walking away from the tree, intact except for my pride, I saw Shadow turn around and come closer to me and I interpreted that as unwanted behavior…we probs should talk at some point, but outside is not the right place for that…but sometimes the world really isn’t about me!! This was one of those times!! Shadow had apparently seen someone she wanted to talk to, and while I would prefer she not approach someone to talk if doing so means coming towards me, I also recognize that enforcing that kind of contact restriction would kind of be micro-managing her behavior, and would enter a slippery slope of where the line really falls…I would prefer the line be a little further from me, but in terms of outside activities, it is difficult to place a distinct boundary…there are some indoor boundaries I would like to see enforced, but it is not like my opinion holds a lot of weight…It kind of made me nervous to leave at my usual time because it was a short enough time at this point that she could have easily still been waiting for me, but my tummy was telling me it was time to pack up so I could get some more candy, so I left and happily drove home without a Shadow…My eternal daddy protects me. (Oh, and to be fair I probably should acknowledge that she has acted a lot less as my shadow this semester than last semester…but safety learning is slow).

I found out when and where my rotation is this summer. I am very happy to have found out more in advance this time!! I am not quite so happy with how far away it is, but I am not going to complain about it—I know placing people is a lot of work, and obviously someone a few states away isn’t going to be familiar enough with the geography of my home state to know exactly where one city is in relation to another…it’ll be a LOT of driving, but it’s not the end of the world…I will be missing Move-in day again though…exclusion hurts even when it is unintentional…(but it hurts a LOT less when it is unintentional that when it is actively intended to exclude me)…

Also, I’ve been reminded lately that even though there are some not so nice people on the planet, there are also some really caring and compassionate people, and after being deeply hurt by some of the not so nice people, I have learned even more fully to cherish the people who are supportive and kind…

No matter what I’m going through…

(God of Every Story–Laura Story)

ribbon blogFunny story about this…You can’t see it in the pic, but I was also wearing a shirt with teal on it and blue shorts, but it was a little harder than just finding the shirt and putting it on…see, I thought I could pick out my clothes without my glasses on, because I forgot them on my bed when I got down to pick out clothes…I know my colors, but initially I picked a shirt I thought was completely teal…and then remembered that the shirt with that design was decidedly green…but when things blur as much as they do for me without my glasses, colors get mixed together to the point that I rely on memory to know for sure what color things are if I am not wearing glasses…most of the time it isn’t a problem to not know, but when you are trying to pick out the right color for an awareness day, it is sort of important to know the difference between blue and green (Sry…there is no way even with my glasses that I can tell you what the difference between teal and blue is…that is just not going to happen…I am a fan of the 11ish color categories: red, yellow, blue, green, orange, purple, white, black, grey, pink, and sometimes brown…once you go further than that, you really lose me…also, this is as close to posting a picture of my face you are going to ever get…

Also, this is not funny…and I’m only 87% sure it is okay to post this…but maybe no one will scroll down this far…and I’m not accusing anyone of anything…just observing…I am very much aware that it is somewhat possible that this is all coincidental and I am just stealing trouble from tomorrow…but just sayin’ be on your best behavior, ’cause if anything legitimately wrong is going on and I come across definitive undeniable evidence, I might actually get help, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also don’t want to be anyone’s doormat, and if I can’t stand up for myself then who will?caution