If hope is born of suffering

(Held–Natalie Grant)

Okay seriously…when I am stressed out about an exam I am not ready for and have about a billion other exams coming up within the next week, it is NOT a good time to start messing with me or trying to change rules…Most days I would be willing to find somewhere else to study if you take offense at where I am sitting, but today I’d had enough already for the day and stood up for myself. Don’t tell me this is somewhere no one is allowed to sit to study when I have sat here to study numerous times before without anyone commenting on it being unacceptable…capiche? Unless you can give me a logical reason why I should move I am going to continue to sit here because I have better things to do than be bossed around by you…this isn’t about being stubborn, this is about giving me the same dignity and respect that you would show to anyone else…

Sorry to be kind of negative there, but sleep deprived and stressed out does not make for a girl ready to just take crap from people…

On the positive side, yesterday I met someone and she instantly felt safe. I loved it. If you know my story, that is huge…after you’ve been abused once two things happen. One: you kind of hide yourself and maybe even push people away to protect yourself from further hurt, and two: you reach out and try to pull people in to help you heal…I have leaned more towards two, because I desperately needed people, but people I’d never met usually got at least a somewhat guarded presentation, and even those who didn’t there was still a nagging thought in the back of my head about how the person might twist my words to hurt me…it felt so good to instantly feel safe with this person…which meant I stayed out a little later than intended to talk with her, but it really felt peaceful…and like this one song that I like says, “Peace is a safe calm feeling, God gives his children peace.”

Also, I still look at my life and am amazed by how incredible my God is. A year ago my inner extravert was still completely hidden by the thick oppressive blanket of anxiety. Now I can make new close friendships with people relatively quickly…someone asked me how you know you are friends with someone recently…and I wasn’t sure how to answer that question, but it got me thinking…and obviously this isn’t the right answer, but here is a thought: friends give you skittles, but you are best friends when you are willing to share your skittles 🙂 One of my friends and I shared a bag of skittles a couple days ago…in her room in the res hall which was also amazing…I didn’t realize how much just the ability to walk down a res hall hallway would feel so good…it feels almost like coming home…I kind of wanted to start hugging the walls and the floor and just stay there forever and not even bother with going into the room…

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