Stand a Little Prouder…Everyone Needs to be Heard

(Stronger–Megan Landry…Skin Deep–ZoeGirl)

0414101533-002 Celebrate!0405100706-00 So technically this celebration shouldn’t be coming until Saturday, but I needed a brain break and wanted to write today, and Saturday will be way too close to the next T2 exam to justify intentionally writing this at that time…and there is no doubt that celebration is going to be earned…oh, what a difference five years can make…April 10th 2009 was the last day I SI’ed, so April 11th is my freedom anniversary. The very first year was a huge deal to me, and that is what these pictures are from. I changed the spelling of my name as a sign of how God was working in my life (unofficially—my legal spelling is still the original spelling of my name—I had to edit the picture to take away any possibility of figuring out my name) and posted this sign above my bed. I doodled on that day in my planner.,,and most importantly I had a whole bunch of treats: a cup full of skittles, reeses, random other candy, and a grape capri sun without the straw…and this year: no plans…I kind of feel like I should celebrate, but at the 6th anniversary it just doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. I am still proud of how far I have come, but it just is not forefront in my mind any longer. While I have considered myself free all six of those years, I have become a lot more free now than I was then…in particular, the fact that the juice bag couldn’t be saved with the straw because the sharp end was too much temptation is probably an indication of where I wasn’t quite so fully free, but now I have no problem with anything like that, and even went to church for Easter without play-doh, bandaids, and chapstic—my usual safety items to prevent self-harm…and it wasn’t even an accident not to have them—I intentionally didn’t bother to pack them…I still like to keep them around; the bandaids and chapstic more for their normal purpose than for SI prevention, and the play-doh for stress reduction, but I can’t even remember the last time I was anywhere close to hurting myself (or the last time I played with play-doh), and I don’t think I ever really thought back then even when I was partying that a day would come when SI wouldn’t be a concern, and that the anniversary could be nearly forgettable.

20150407_193949Speaking of forgetting, I totally forgot that I ordered this sticker for free online, but it came in the mail and I was kind of excited…I think it is pretty cute, and I kind of wish I had ordered a pile of them and could do some kind of event with them or something at school…instead the sticker I have will go on my souvenir ice cream bucket from Yellowstone with a whole bunch of other random stickers that I have accumulated…

…and speaking of accumulating things, it turned out to be a good thing on Monday that before my third year my parents bought me a new pair of sandals for when my old pair wore out even though I planned on wearing my sandals forever…my old sandals were starting to smell like foot, and I don’t have a bath tub in which to wash them at my apartment and they leak red dye when I wash them so they really can’t be washed and then carried somewhere else and I don’t really want a pair of shoes drying in my bathroom sink because that is just asking for them to be spit toothpaste upon, and it doesn’t seem right to put shoes in the kitchen sink, and the sandals also had developed an extra hole in the side so I semi-impulsively threw them away…and unfortunately I double bagged and tied it off so I can’t get it back even though I had a change of heart this morning and didn’t *want* to break in a new pair of shoes…but hey, one less pair of shoes to pack up when I move out of here…those old sandals have been so many places with me and hold so many memories…they have a few specks of red paint from painting my friend’s house one summer…they remind me of going to the splash park with my friend and her toddler…they remind me of giving me former old sandals to a friend who somehow managed to pack up for a summer on the res without bringing a good pair of sandals…I can’t even imagine doing that, because even at school sandals are an important part of life, so being out on the res they are even more vital…(oh, and sometimes I forget that not everyone knows that when I say the res I mean the Lakota Sioux Indian Reservations in South Dakota—the Rosebud and Pine Ridge reservations.)

20150407_191858This is my teal ribbon for sexual assault awareness month. I don’t really have time to help hand them out to other people, but as a proud member of self-defense club, I have this pinned prominently to my backpack…Self-defense club, The few. The proud…Self-defense club is amazing and is a place that I feel like I fit in…and that can’t be said about a lot of things, so that is pretty special…this week’s meeting is when I am scheduled to be in class, and if I get out early I will hopefully be able to spend some time there…but what I am really excited for is RAD on the quad…I really hope I am available for that…

20150406_175128This picture was taken to express my frustration with myself. I had supposedly been studying for the past three hours…do you spy my notes…yeah, they are under the bowl, and the page they are on has little if any information on it…I get SO frustrated with myself when that happens…which is more often than I’d like to admit…I really can’t account for where those three hours went…which leads me to something I’ve tried really hard to hold off acknowledging or bringing up, but it came up and I decided I felt safe enough to bring it up in the semi-affirmative when directly asked by someone at school in real life Tuesday, so I’m not even sure at this point if there even is anyone who doesn’t know…I want to believe that the person I talked to wouldn’t share the information, and I 83% trust her, but I also know that she has me blocked on facebook still which makes me continue to doubt how trustworthy she might be…but anyway, I (and a counselor) have been looking into ADHD…I suppose it makes sense…I don’t know much about the patho of anxiety, but I am assuming that since pretty much the same drugs work for depression as for anxiety that the patho of the two disorders is pretty much the same. What I do know, is that a deficit in monoamine neurotransmitter systems is the cause for both depression and ADHD…which means that if anxiety uses a similar neurotransmitter system that it makes a lot of sense that since I used to struggle with one that I might also have trouble with another disorder…I’ve been trying to tell myself I am making things up and this is so not real, but considering the frequency with which I tell myself I am stupid and lazy and the frequency with which most people tell me a contradictory story, I am realizing that like it or not it really is time to admit the possibility I might have a legitimate reason that things can be hard for me sometimes…at this point I am still not at all interested in trying medication—if caffeine makes me nauseous among other unpleasant side effects, then I don’t really want to know what a narcotic stimulant would do to me, and I know stimulants are first line in ADHD, and so regardless of whether I have a diagnosis or not, nothing is changing except for my conception of myself…and chances are I will continue to get frustrated with myself over my seeming stupidity and laziness…

I don’t remember what triggered it, but Tuesday morning as I walked from one class to the next, my brain started going a mile a minute thinking April is kind of like May, red is kind of like orange—basically falling into looking at similarities between the day in front of me and what I seem to remember as the first time I met with HET…although some days blur together, so what I was thinking about might not even match up with that fateful day…but anyway, considering that was the context of my day, it isn’t so bad that I lost a point in my presentation for moving around too much…and it kind of makes sense that when I saw someone vaguely tall and with shortish hair in the hallway I stopped in my tracks and turned, shaking, against the wall…that is kind of a problem though…see, I don’t even know if the person I saw was the person I actively avoid, and considering she didn’t seem to even pause, I kind of doubt it, because I am pretty sure she is somewhat aware that I think she should take her ball and go home way way far away from me…so that is kind of a maladaptive response to the situation…it isn’t overly practical to freak out every time you notice someone tallish with shortish hair…but I am strong. That may have taken me out of commission for a minute or two, but there was definitely a time in my life not too long ago where that could have taken me out of commission for at least an hour if not more…so I am progressing in my ability to move on…Day by day, little by little, life gets easier as I make sense out of the tiny pieces that my life was crushed into…Like Kati says, it’s a process, not perfection! (Kati is so awesome!)…and there are days I can know I saw her and not feel trapped yet also the need to run and hide…

Speaking of moving on, Linkedin finally stopped wanting me to be a counselor…now it wants me to be a pharmacy manager…just setting lofty goals I guess…maybe I should think about residency and then being just a normal pharmacist before thinking about being a manager…just sayin’…although my guess would be that if I set my mind to it I could finish an MPA and become a manager faster than I could finish a counseling degree…especially if I wanted at least a masters degree rather than just a bachelors degree, because the masters degree programs I’ve seen want prerequisites like a BA or BS that included a developmental psychology class or other ya’know relevant things along those lines that I won’t have when I graduate here…’cause while a doctorate might be substitutable for the bachelor degree, abnormal psych probably doesn’t substitute as well as developmental psych…so I suppose maybe LinkedIn is decreasing the loftiness of my goals to something much more achievable…good job linked in learning about those stupid SMART goals we learned about in like three different classes in high school…I very much still believe that if I never have to set another SMART goal in my entire life that I will be a happy camper…


2 thoughts on “Stand a Little Prouder…Everyone Needs to be Heard

  1. Hooray! You found a way to make your posts private and share them with only those who truly appreciate you!!! I hope you know I am one of those people. I would like to continue reading if you are comfortable with that. 🙂

    1. You can definitely keep reading! I am emailing you the password now…I want people outside of school to be able to easily read if they’d like to, so I probably won’t password protect all of my posts, but I am thinking if I make it a little less frequent how often they can see my posts without my knowing they are seeing it, that might make it a little less fun to keep reading and curtail the practice.

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