(Brokenness Aside–All Sons and Daughters)
I saw this on facebook on Sunday. First I just stared in shock. Then I realized there was no threat in front of me and figured I’d click and find out if it was really what I thought it was. Then I was mad at facebook for disrupting my ability to facebook in peace…and finally I settled on anger for a while. Anger at this particular person, who I am fairly certain based on the way that facebook usually works must have unblocked me to creep on me and to find out if any of her friends had been nice to me recently and therefore needed a smack down, and then as soon as facebook would allow it blocked me again…see facebook is smart—it mandates a 24 hour period before you can re-block someone so you can’t constantly bug the h**k out of someone…but it is also stupid…that person’s name will still show up in the search suggestions for a couple days…and occasionally forever that person will be included in comment and like counts until you hover to find out who those likes belong to or click to read the actual comments. I kind of half wish I had noticed while I was still unblocked and been able to take the initiative to block her to take the ball out of her court…would that be potentially hurtful, umm yeah, but that is why I would only do it a few days then pass the ball back…I know do unto others as you’d have them do unto you and love your enemies bless those who curse you, but I also sometimes feel the human desire for taking back control even though my people pleasing nature won’t let me truly hurt anyone…I am not sure even given the opportunity if I’d be able to hurt someone by blocking them even after they’d done it to me for months…but seriously, why can’t people just leave me alone?? I am not willing to be your compliant and complacent little victim anymore. I am not playing your stupid games anymore. I’ve been there done that, and now I know better how to protect myself…sorry, but it takes more than a bag of skittles or a smile to earn my love now, and I am not stupid enough to be swayed by your mind games and controlling behavior. (Skittles or smiles are still a good start, but I need you to prove that you care and are trustworthy.) I refuse to be pushed around as your little plaything. I am a real girl with real feelings and real rights and I would like to be treated with real respect. How many times should I forgive? Seventy-times-seven…but forgiveness doesn’t mean that I need to open my heart to you again if you never earned it the first time.
Oh, and I read that going gluten free helps concentration even in non-celiacs. I was kind of skeptical, especially since gluten free seems to be the trendy diet lately, and doesn’t tend to be an overly nutritious way of life though I recognize that for celiacs it is a necessary way of life. I thought it might be worth a try though, just to give it a fair chance…well, that is until I started reading the labels on my food. Considering I am no longer an extreme picky eater but am still pretty picky, it is probably rather comical that I even came to the conclusion momentarily that removing a major food product from my diet was even a remote possibility…girl loves her goldfish crackers and cheerios…Yeah, probably 90% of my meals at school are either ramen or tacos…the first ingredient in ramen in wheat flour, so that wasn’t going to work…taco seasoning has wheat in it, but no worries, my mom says chili seasoning is something completely different and they are in no way interchangeable, but how different can they really be? They are both orangeish mexican spices intended primarily for beef and possibly beans and tomatoes…but the possibility of interchanging one for the other is a moot point, because the first ingredient in the chili seasoning is wheat. I do have a little bit of peanut butter left, and I think popcorn is gluten free, but that doesn’t sound like a very practical meal…especially not for three meals a day since gluten free would also put an ix-nay on both the cheerios and the frosted flakes…although I suppose I am lucky to be a skittles lover, because if I ever legitimately needed to go gluten free I could at least keep my favorite traditional candy as well as sour patch kids, blow pops, and most varieties of reeses.
Also, I laughed so hard when I was reading what I wrote first year about a few people at my school…”so kind of like a sour patch kid, except definitely not delicious.” Yeah, I don’t know why I felt it necessary to specify that these people were not delicious…and besides, I have never tasted any of them, so perhaps they do taste good and I just don’t know about it…
Also, the internet is a dangerous place…it took me four days and innumerable hours to complete the simple task of go to moodle, download the case key…I think I need a personal assistant to keep track of things like that for me…how much do those cost? Can I pay for one with sweetness? People tell me I have a lot of that, which makes sense considering my favorite foods: skittles, sour patch kids, reeses…
I noticed something really cool today. I have known for a long time that I have trouble identifying people solely by appearance which is why I mostly only like kid shows where the characters never change clothes because otherwise my limited understanding of the plot and inability to distinguish between characters makes movie watching super frustrating…but that doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t recognize someone if something changes…it might take me a little longer to figure it out, but I’ll get there. I just need to use other cues, especially in situations where context clues won’t work…I was able to identify someone who I initially thought might be new because she didn’t look like a student (no backpack or purse, too collected to just be taking a study break) and then I noticed how she moved and instantly knew who it was…I was kind of pleased with the discovery of this ability…and with the fact that at least unless/until the new appearance registers in my head connected to the person then I won’t be distracted by her if she is around unless she is making it blatantly obvious…
A journey through trauma & triumph 