Tell me to be quiet, I’ll shout some more!

(Let it Out–ZoeGirl)

As the title sorta suggests, this is mostly just a random compilation of things in my head that need to come out to I can focus on learning…my brain seems to think ‘study’ means ‘think of all the non-school related things that you might want to find out about.’ Which means I learn a lot of things, but not anything my teachers want me to learn about…like I have recently been soft-researching sleepovers with diabetic kids…really interesting hearing different people’s perspectives…but really not useful in helping me learn about cancer or thyroid or pregnancy or any of the other things my teachers would like me to know…

Y’all, I am not perfect…Shocker haha…One of the many areas in which I have some room to grow is in protecting people beyond the point where it is reasonable to continue to protect them…For example, my response to hearing people talk about cheating: put on my headphones louder so I don’t hear enough details to feel like I HAVE to report it…I know…wrong response…but that’s how hard it is for me to hurt anyone…that’s why I know that people have helped each other on quizzes, completely written entire papers for each other, and numerous other less than acceptable actions, yet I have never tattled on any of them…I’m sorry…I just can’t…sometimes there are benefits to not knowing people’s names…this would be one of them. Part of what allows me to justify never tattling is that unless the cheater is talking about it on facebook, I usually do not know the name of the cheater, and it is not like it is probably very useful if I turned in “that kid in the red t-shirt today and her friend in the purple sweat-shirt”…

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know what asbestos was when I was spending a lot of time in a building with a notice about asbestos on the door…I was reading about toxicology, and now I know that I increased my chance significantly for lung cancer…at least I don’t smoke—that is synergistic with asbestos exposure…I don’t even know what asbestos are…I just know if you breathe them in too much you have a heightened risk of lung cancer.

One of my definitions of happiness: a full bowl of cheerios after months of frosted flakes…cheerios are probably my favorite cereal…I am not brand loyal for cheerios—I think all the brands taste the same—but I do think that the original cheerios are by far the best…honey nut cheerios just aren’t that exciting…

So much for my fantasies about eating Dominoes pizza and Qdoba and McDonalds in Texas and eating chocolate chip cookies on airplanes…I applied for a leadership conference in Texas for a weekend in the summer. I was super excited about the actual leadership conference, but I also as soon as I heard about it started fantasizing about how much fun I was going to have in Texas…and realistically my trip would likely not contain all of those foods anyway, but I was excited…and then I found out I was not selected…considering who was doing the choosing I suppose I should have expected as much, but I had really hoped that this was an opportunity I’d get to partake in. I was SO excited for this conference…I didn’t even care that Texas is hot…I just wanted to go to a conference all about building leadership…I might already be a leader, but I believe there is always more to know to refine your skills…and while they may say leadership skills are caught, not taught, I believe there is also something to be said for formal instruction…

I know the world certainly does not revolve around me, however, there are certain things that based on my past I will interpret as being about me until further evidence arises to acquit the guilty party, particularly when other suspicious activity has recently taken place. Among other things, to prevent Shadow from following me, I try to refrain from entering the parking garage between a half hour before she usually left last year and an hour and a half after that time…It is kind of annoying when all I want to do is go home some days and I can’t, but it is worth it to not have to worry about being followed and watched. Except Shadow is unpredictable. I was outside talking on my phone and it was about an hour after “the time” and Shadow walked outside…I turned around and promptly walked into a tree (oops…I am clumsy. I would not recommend doing that, because besides branches in your face you also get all sorts of tree stuff falling down on you and it made my eyes really itchy and uncomfortable). Anyway, after walking away from the tree, intact except for my pride, I saw Shadow turn around and come closer to me and I interpreted that as unwanted behavior…we probs should talk at some point, but outside is not the right place for that…but sometimes the world really isn’t about me!! This was one of those times!! Shadow had apparently seen someone she wanted to talk to, and while I would prefer she not approach someone to talk if doing so means coming towards me, I also recognize that enforcing that kind of contact restriction would kind of be micro-managing her behavior, and would enter a slippery slope of where the line really falls…I would prefer the line be a little further from me, but in terms of outside activities, it is difficult to place a distinct boundary…there are some indoor boundaries I would like to see enforced, but it is not like my opinion holds a lot of weight…It kind of made me nervous to leave at my usual time because it was a short enough time at this point that she could have easily still been waiting for me, but my tummy was telling me it was time to pack up so I could get some more candy, so I left and happily drove home without a Shadow…My eternal daddy protects me. (Oh, and to be fair I probably should acknowledge that she has acted a lot less as my shadow this semester than last semester…but safety learning is slow).

I found out when and where my rotation is this summer. I am very happy to have found out more in advance this time!! I am not quite so happy with how far away it is, but I am not going to complain about it—I know placing people is a lot of work, and obviously someone a few states away isn’t going to be familiar enough with the geography of my home state to know exactly where one city is in relation to another…it’ll be a LOT of driving, but it’s not the end of the world…I will be missing Move-in day again though…exclusion hurts even when it is unintentional…(but it hurts a LOT less when it is unintentional that when it is actively intended to exclude me)…

Also, I’ve been reminded lately that even though there are some not so nice people on the planet, there are also some really caring and compassionate people, and after being deeply hurt by some of the not so nice people, I have learned even more fully to cherish the people who are supportive and kind…


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