I’m writing because I missed you so much…I won’t be satisfied with okay. I can’t be okay with alright.

(Dear My Closest Friend…Okay–Flyleaf)

I have high standards for myself…I am very much aware that I am not always able to live up to them, but my goal still persists to strive for perfection…Perfection is important in healthcare…what if I can pick the right therapy for a patient 99% of the time and the other 1% of the time I mess it up and kill the patient…I mean, that is a really high A right there, so I should get a bonus, right? Well, in reality, if I kill 1% of my patients, that could mean multiple patients every day depending on what area of pharmacy I am in, and it would likely lead to a loss of my license and some malpractice issues…In reality, I know I can only strive for MY best, and I am also very aware that many of the things that I am being tested on are not necessarily real world. In the real world there really is more than one right answer sometimes, because the thing about clinical judgment is that there isn’t truly one right answer (although there definitely are many wrong answers). In the real world there are many things that real life pharmacists look up if they need to know rather than memorizing. In the real world, even if it is something that you probably ought to know, if you do not know it, you have the ability to look it up and double check rather than having to make a guess and hope for the best…and in the real world there are always systems in place designed to catch errors before they cause harm…there was a really cool visual of this that I saw a few years ago…but anyway, even if I could get a 5% on the final and end up with an A (which would feel really good, but considering I don’t think I even got all A’s this semester is definitely not something I have experienced recently), I will still study for that exam, because “okay” isn’t really good enough…If I wouldn’t just not worry about what disease my last patient of the day has and just figure whatever drug name pops into my head first is going to be the solution to their problem, the doctors I work with are going to think I am an idiot, and I will not be employed very long, so why would it ever be okay to act that way towards an exam? These are REAL people’s lives that will be in my hands, and I think that requires some respect, because I want to be able to help people–not hurt them, and certainly not marginalize them.

…and now, all the things that get written all over my stuff when I tell myself NO BLOGGING for the week…but first a picture of me the night before my last final…

20150506_200810

It’s an apple core, not a toy. Please either finish eating the apple or throw it away and stop poking it with your pen. I don’t know why there are little white curly things on the inside, but I know doodling on them is not teaching you anything you need to know.

It should be a law to shower. I shouldn’t smell you coming. There is a kid who from Sunday until Thursday did not go home, did not change clothes, did not shower. He slept at school and as far as I am aware left only to go to the gas station to get food. By the Tuesday he smelled awful. It was disgusting.

I volunteered to die on my way to the last final and email my the people I was studying with about it because they said if I died they would automatically get an A because of the trauma…I didn’t die though…there wasn’t really a convenient way to do it seeing as how there isn’t really anything dangerous between the res hall and the exam…and also if I’d died before I got to the fourth floor I couldn’t have stopped to get a rice krispy treat, and once I was on the fourth floor I only had one more floor left to get to my final…

You know you’re tired when the chicken noodle soup goes in your lunchbox sideways on Wednesday. That was slightly messy…also, my lunchbox now smells kinda funky…also, I decided I didn’t really care…see Tuesday night I was exhausted, but I could not fall asleep…and about 20 minutes or so before the alarm went off I finally crashed…it was kind of funny, because I woke up with the comforter and sheets all in a ball under my arms and head…

On Monday someone told me that he thought he was distractible but then he met me…also we learned about mental disorders in three classes, and we diagnosed all of us that were studying together with depression and anxiety…and we determined that I was a combination of the two people next to me…distractible and inattentive like the one who asserted owning an ADHD label, and childlike and hyperactive like the other one…at this point in the week it still felt like a friendly joking comment so I rolled with it…especially since child-like is definitely something I have to agree with…

However, there is one thing that did kind of bother me a few hours before that…if I say that I am probably a bad friend, please do not agree with me…There are some things, even self-deprecating things, that I say that I am totally fine with you agreeing with, but that is not one of them…even if you are only jokingly agreeing with me, there is a time and a place for that, and finals week is probably not on the list of appropriate times…I say that I am a bad friend when I feel guilty because I can’t keep my stupid mouth shut so that people can concentrate, and I already feel really bad about myself when I say it, so I really don’t want you to tell me that I am a bad friend…at least I only meowed like a cat for a grand total of around 5 minutes tops the entire week while people were trying to study…and besides, I staked out my territory every morning, and you didn’t HAVE to join me…you chose to sit with me and invite all your friends, and my inner extrovert is thrilled that you did, but you could have picked any number of other open spaces to study and you chose to sit with me, so please don’t agree with me that I am a bad friend…Kthxbai

Also on Monday, I went on a scavenger hunt for food because I was so hungry so hungry. There were supposed ot be donuts at 7:30…I very patiently waited all the way until 8 before giving up and then wandered around looking for food…except that the teachers with food were at school late the night before for an event and so there weren’t at school yet either…luckily the donuts showed up around 9:30 and I was thrilled…

I am not good at finals, but I am good at making chicken noodle soup.

On Thursday the fire was turned on and I was sitting right in front of it…the words coming out of my mouth: “It is warm. I think I like it…OW…I do not like it.” (Don’t touch the part of the pretend fire where the heat comes out).

Oh, and how did I do with the whole not being on social media thing…well…I only posted one thing on facebook (to give notes to people), only liked one post on facebook, only friended one person on linkedin because linkedin kept emailing me to hurry up and accept it, and only emailed one blog post to one person, because it was just a picture and it was kind of related to one of our classes…considering the large number of blog posts currently saved on my internet to re-read later because I loved them, I obviously did not completely stay off the internet…I did also find a few new blogs that I thought I liked, but then decided I didn’t…but I definitely spent a lot less time on the internet than I usually do…so…partial success…I mean, yeah, I did give myself a 15 minute break on Sunday for internet time that turned into over an hour…

…and I took a break to read old documents instead and became engrossed in that for a while…

Don’t hold an open can of pop with your teeth…unless you like being wet and sticky…yeah, that happened…

Fear is good sometimes…Fear is what made me plan when I would fill my water bottle in an (often unsuccessful) attempt to avoid who I didn’t want to see…which meant the water bottle actually got drank from and filled instead of drinking a quart of water in the middle of the night and still being too thirsty to really sleep…see, a few weeks ago I was enough less afraid that I stopped planning and just figured I would intuitively drink whenever I wanted to and fill it when it was empty…great idea…except that when I became engrossed in other things I didn’t take a break to drink and would feel exhausted (probably dehydration) and go to bed…and not too long later be thirsty…

On the subject of drinking things…Dumbest idea of the week: since I’m coming up on one year anxiety free it totally made sense in my head to excessively drink water (as in a gallon in half an hour and still drinking) to remind myself how bad it felt to make sure I’d never go back, and to make sure I was really hydrated for finals…yeah…bad idea…besides just the time it takes to compulsively drink water, it is totally different to just be doing things than to have the fear on top of all that…and I definitely am smart enough to realize that it is not overly safe to drink that much water in that time period…but without the OCD telling me how to do it, I was smart enough to add in a little salt in my mouth to make it slightly safer…

Speaking of anxiety, it is SO incredibly amazing to have finals week with no anxiety and just stress…I mean, it doesn’t feel GOOD to feel stress either, but it is amazing…I used to not really have any idea what the difference could possibly be between stress and anxiety, but now I get it…I SO get it…and finals this semester and last semester were a totally different experience…as much as something as stressful as finals can be loved, I love it…

I wish I hadn’t picked my classes and labs based on which would most likely keep me from encounters…it is too late now to change things, but it was only like a week after I had to pick my classes that I stopped caring so much enough to wish that I had picked in order of what class times actually might be best…but whatevs…I’ll go to my classes, and I’ll do my best whenever they are, and at the end of the day I will be a pharmacist when I graduate…

Last week I took out my trash when it was light out and not raining…it is a lot less creepy doing it that way, but I think the trash cans smell worse in the daylight…

Oh, and on Sunday I learned why my mom always tells me not to crush cans with my hands…it kinda hurts when the can tears and then cuts your thumb…luckily thumbs heal quickly…Also, I ran out of goldfishies a week ago so instead I had a snack of sprite with orange spice and lemon tea and it was awesome!

Also, I know I am distractible—I sometimes stop writing in the middle of a word when I am copying my notes…but it doesn’t feel good to me when my friends tell me that as soon as finals are over I need to go to a doctor and get some help, and to constantly point out all the things I am doing that are “wrong” like climbing over a table instead of walking around, exploring the pretend fire, spending hours on the same sentence, getting distracted by shiny flashy objects, and being in general too loud…it feels like you are all ganging up on me…if you really think I have a problem I am very open to privately discussing it, but please don’t make it a group thing, and TBH, this is not a conversation I really want to have two hours before my last final…

…okay…and I should probs stop writing now because even though finals are over I still have a lot of things to get done today…

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