I’m so ready to be moving on; In my head I’m already gone

(Where I am Right Now–Jared Anderson)

So a few days ago I saw pictures on facebook of an event at my old church. It was one that I had been looking forward to and then the had the possibility torn away from me when my family started going to another church way back on August 10th 2008…anyone who has known me for a long time is probably pretty aware of how hard changing churches was for me…there were tears and screaming and generally just melting down every Sunday (and sometimes other days) for months…it has even been suggested to me that it may have created PTSD for me, though I kind of doubt that seeing as how it was in no way life-threatening to be pulled away from my friends, from everything that I knew, from everything that I had built my plans of the rest of my life on. It was only just a few months ago that I finally felt like I was past it…that I could experience things that would previously have been really painful because they hit too close to home and be having a good time…for example, there is a song that the worship pastor (who got quit which was the reason we left) directed the youth group (while I was in it) to sing for the youth pastor (whom I liked) at a special service. For years I haven’t been able to listen to that song. I could recognize the song by like the first two notes, and would immediately turn it off, but those two notes were usually enough to get me really upset. I now can listen to and enjoy that song. It has never been one of my favorites, but now it is one that is special to me not because of the event that originally made it special and then made it painful, but because it is now another sign of how I can overcome whatever adversities life throws at me.

So anyway, after that excessively long aside, I was sad seeing those pictures of an event I had looked forward to (senior sunday)…and then I was really frustrated. Sad because I was remembering. Remembering the pain of being pulled away from my friends and everything important to me, and losing my identity as this was added to my grades going down and no longer being a swimmer. Frustrated because I thought I was over this. I thought I was done with the pain ready to be moving on. I didn’t want to be upset. I thought that stage of my life was gone with the wind…

…but then I had a moment of clarity/wisdom…it is okay to be sad. It was, without a doubt, an experience that should be sad. It is okay to remember even years later and to feel sorrow. Sorrow over what happened, and sorrow over the lost opportunities while the pain marinated. It is okay to mourn loss. It is normal to feel sad about it, and I can still be “over it” while feeling some sadness when seeing reminders…as long as it is only mild sadness and memory, and not an overwhelming feeling as if someone had taken a pin and re-opened my foramen ovale…

…and on the topic of pain and healing, a few days ago someone came to pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy and by way of giving her name showed me her ID…her ID that stated at the bottom “psychology.” Not gonna lie…there was a moment of freezing on the inside and pretending on the outside as if nothing was out of the ordinary…but it was over as quickly as it started, especially as this person was warm and kind and understanding…qualities that I appreciate, especially since they do not seem to be the norm at my pharmacy…people at my pharmacy tend to be entitled, demanding, and oh, did I mention entitled?…so it was great to serve her…I kind of wished it would be appropriate to take down her name and address and go be friends with her, but obviously that is definitely not allowed, but she was so nice, and had all the qualities I look for in a friend, and I am always very happy to make new friends…

KthxBai

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