This is real what I feel no one made it up

(Who I am–Blanca)

Okay…so this might feel kinda whiney…but it’s been one of those days where a few things go okay but a lot of other things go very very wrong…and I really just need to get thoughts out of my head so I can focus on the flashcards I need to spend my time on…(edit: I can’t focus on flashcards right now…I just can’t…and it isn’t ethical to be signed in getting paid to work when my mind isn’t really on what I am doing, because it is not a productive way of working…)

…so my pharmacy shares space with a coffee shop and we get free stuff from them and today it was an iced caramel latte…and my mouth thought that sounded really awesome and it wasn’t until I started drinking that I remembered that latte=coffee=caffeine=not such a great idea…I tolerate caffeine better now that nausea doesn’t cause anxiety to attack and synergize with the caffeine, but the caffeine still causes nausea and tiredness…it was delicious, but I definitely was/am feeling it…someday I will figure out either how to tolerate caffeine better or I will learn to stop ingesting it (except the ice cream with caffeine, because as long as I have that in moderation I usually am okay with that…although it may have more to do with mostly having it at night before bed…but it tastes good and I am not willing to ask myself to give it up)…

I think I have mentioned the #karischallenge on here…well, it was on Fox News…so that was kind of cool…It is a cause I believe in…I donated to this challenge…wanna join me? Karis House provides affordable counseling to the community. All donations are tax-deductible if you wanna do that…

On my break at work I read an email about something and I am currently pretending it didn’t happen, but it kinda did…but I don’t wanna think about it…I went back to work on autopilot…it is hard when not only is the email bad news but the suggested action also is something that is harmful…yeah guys…somebody died so you should talk to the person who we all know abused girlyQ and probably others…maybe you can get abused and it will hurt so much you won’t remember how much you hurt about death…or you can be told you aren’t grieving and therefore don’t deserve help (unless you want it spur of the moment while you are crying and just need to be alone for a minute to pull yourself together in which case the help may be offered along the lines of “you are okay aren’t you? I’ll be busy in my office”…yeah, I didn’t take that “offer” a year and a halfish ago…if I was already told I wasn’t grieving then I guess I had a moment of clarity to realize that I didn’t need to be with someone who wasn’t going to take me seriously or listen to me…and besides…I prefer life to be predictable most of the time, so when I am upset, most surprises are not going to be welcome…

Today on my way home from work a stupid semi driver blew through a stop sign and the turned onto a road clearly labeled no trucks, and while I waited through around five or so cycles of the light before it was finally my turn at the next intersection, I realized 1. that my car desperately needed gas, and 2. that the little arrow was pointing dangerously close to the red zone for heat…because although outside my head I would never get someone in trouble, inside my head I was calling up the company so I wrote down the company name, truck #, and license plate state and #…yeah…it makes me feel like I am doing something bout it…which is also why there are pictures taken at school on my phone of people who were cheating…

Today I also got my June schedule and I am working about 4 days/week but not full days, and it was really disappointing because I expected to be full time but like tends to happen, I am given the expectation of a certain amount of hours and then at the last minute end up with far fewer hours…

I am *trying* to get rotations set up, but I am discovering why new sites are hard…the sites would be glad to have me, but the school refuses to work with them until November…by which time other schools have already claimed all the openings…so frustrated…

also, in the list of frustrations: the board of pharmacy has still not gotten back to me about the things I emailed that I needed weeks ago…

Today I went to a webinar called “Pot for Tots.” It was interesting and I am glad I had the opportunity to go to that…I am also very glad that I am not yet at a point where my license is anywhere at stake in the game of cannabinoids being legalized in various states…so many aspects of the issue seem pretty unethical in the states with legalized cannabinoids, and I am really not comfortable with certain ideas being proposed of how pharmacists could be getting involved in the future…

A final frustration before I set this aside to attempt to do some flashcard writing…all I wanted was a stupid TB test and drug test that I think is ridiculous that we have to do every single year, but no one cares what my opinion is…and the stupid doctors office dragged their feet then insisted that I had to have a physical before  could do that since it had been two years since I’d had one of those…except they don’t have many physical appointments available…and the deadline is approaching…which also means I am getting an email or two every day from the experiential office reminding me that the deadline is looming…OKAY…I KNOW…NOW SHUT UP…the one email a couple months ago was sufficient…perhaps ONE reminder would be acceptable…this many emails is the kind of ridiculous thing that people at my school do…which is why technically the rules state you get two emails per event, but most people don’t follow that rule…but seriously, why do I need 20 emails about one event for a fraternity I am not in?…okay…putting down the figurative talking stick…

edit: random thought today: I took fundamentals of instructor training when I was about 15ish…I was just thinking how inception-ish that sounds…I was taught how to teach people to teach…(a certification that I let lapse, because, well, I didn’t really see much need to be certified in teaching people to teach, and didn’t really feel like I wanted to use that certification…I was kind of quiet, so teaching a group of people only a few years younger than me or even my own age or older wasn’t really my forte…teaching kids I excelled at, and really a classroom setting was where I was most verbal, but I wasn’t really ready to be responsible for a classroom of people…the type of communication that could go along with that (and the whole possibly having to fail people) wasn’t a skillset I felt equipped with…Kyeah…that’s all…bedtime…which is good because clearly I have no brainpower left to give…

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