It’s okay to not be okay. This is a safe place. This is a safe place…There’s still hope here.

(Exhale–Plumb)

Summer is incredible…yeah, life is never perfect, but there are so many things that are hard to put to words about how good summer feels…sure, I am frequently frustrated with myself for wasting time and not getting things done and for being excessively messy or whatever other infraction I feel like is keeping my from living up to my own high standards, and obviously bad things happen, people die…but a bad event doesn’t make a bad life.

They may seem like little things, but there are so many things in my life that I enjoy, and in the summer I have the time to truly enjoy them just a little bit more than during the school year when I just can’t always afford to take the extra time to revel in the awesome little things…

I love sucking on goldfish crackers and eating aminal crackers, especially from the 4lb 14oz container of them. I love the time and freedom to analyze exactly what flavor of juice and what fruit I want to eat instead of going into autopilot mode and picking up whatever is fastest to grab…

I love admiring the sky. I love that traffic is a nuisance without feeling like a threat to my existence…this picture was supposed to show off the beautiful sky…however I apparently overestimated my smartphone camera and it is mostly just a picture of rain and freeway traffic, but I still love it…(actually it looks like there isn’t much traffic…mostly because I stayed at like 2mph while everyone else sped up to 7mph b/c I was picture taking, and also because while it had been stop and go, the traffic cleared right after the picture was taken)…

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I love that I could take the time to drive around the block a few times in order to take this picture…(street names mostly blurred to take away your easy access to my location, but I LOVED one of the street names every time I see it…)

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I love that I can go wherever I want however I want whenever I want and do whatever I want…part of this is being home where the stupid school rules aren’t applicable. The other part of it is that although the OCD and social anxiety has been gone for a long time, old habits die hard…for example, I still instinctively take the stairs even if I have many flights to climb…but now I totally can go inside and sit on the bench or wander to the basement or sit in the break room or whatever else I want to do instead of my safe choices being only the backroom if no one else is around or my car when I am not on the job…I LOVE it! It is so incredible to be able to do whatever feels good for me to do. Freedom is amazing.

I love that less thinking is involved in deciding where I want to go…that sounds like the same as what I wrote in the previous paragraph, but it is actually very different…I guess another way to say it would be to say that I love that my choices are not based on as many what if’s…it was getting better by the end of the year, but even then, for example, if it was like 9:30am then unless I really really needed to go bathroom then I was probably going to wait an hour to when it would be less likely to see someone and any hurtful insinuations to be made…but now if I wanna go to the bathroom right now I don’t have a second thought about who I might see–I just get up…if I wanna get in my car and go somewhere (or just get in my car) I just do…not wondering if bad things will happen by just living life is so freeing…

…I am pretty sure there were a lot of other things I intended to write about…except a lot of things I stopped writing halfway through a sentence and couldn’t figure out when I came back to it what in the world I was trying to write about…

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