I’m out of tune and that’s okay


You know what happens when all you do between August and June is pretty much just either sit on your butt in front of your computer or lay down in front of your computer?…you get pretty out of shape…see, I am discovering this just now because…

(2nd year) I was living on the seventh floor and going back and forth to my room many times per day but refusing to use the elevator…example, Wednesday January 23rd, 5:20ish pm I go to my room (from 1st floor) to get some stuff then go over to the student center for Cru…I get there and realize I forgot something I need…back to my room in the res hall and back to the student center…repeat like 4 more times, and I finally have everything I think I need…and I am sufficiently distracted from what I intended to do (orgo homework before Cru started)…and check my email and someone emailed me like three times to say she wanted to talk to me…the same person with whom I had been communicating before heading to my room the first time…and because I couldn’t say no or suggest an alternative, I got up yet again to go talk to her…which I beat myself up for (figuratively, not literally) when I found that she had one question for me…one that could be very easily answered with a yes or no…a question that very easily could have been actually SENT in the email…or she could have come to me to ask…obviously she had no way of knowing I had been running around since I had seen her, but anyway, that isn’t the point I was trying to make–the point was that I was doing a lot more than just sitting on my bottom even though I didn’t recognize it…especially since I was also spinning in circles in the success center when I studying with my friends and I was taking frequent breaks from studying in the kitchen at the end of the hall (quiet but a few people/friends–perfect study spot) to walk to the bathroom to wash my hands…yeah…you know you aren’t focused when you need a break from studying because you got too dizzy…or because you tripped over a chair and fell into the wall and it kinda hurt…

(3rd year) I had lot B parking but unlike now how riding the bus is an exciting proposition, it seemed then more like an ordeal that made daily painful frost bite seem an agreeable selection…which means every day I walked from Lot B to school and back…even when it was excruciatingly cold outside, or raining, or hot, or any other uncomfortable weather situation…even if I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and it was snowing…the germs on the bus (umm and/or my warmer clothing) were more intimidating than the idea of being outside like that…and once I realized that it would actually save time to just bike to and from school I started doing that most days, but even so I was getting some kind of activity, and was also studying walking the halls as I was at least a little less socially inept…and of course the whole elevator refusal thing…

(and then 4th year) I had garage parking. I had a corner that was mostly mine and that was all, and in not bringing excess attention to myself I primarily stayed seated, and even walking to the bathroom wasn’t that far. I no longer was afraid of the germs in the elevator. I downloaded a mobile banking app and never needed to bike OR drive to the atm…basically no need to do much more than lay on my bed or sit in my corner and study all day…

but I rode my old bike for the last time yesterday…and didn’t go very far because I realized how out of shape I was and how dinner time was approaching…and because my radio died a little over a year ago I used my old ipod instead…I am pretty sure I just put everything on my computer on there in high school, so there is a combination of the songs I like with all the ones I don’t really like but purchased because  they were on sale at Target and hadn’t yet mastered the concept that I wasn’t saving money if I was buying something I didn’t want/need…

“Psychology is the systematic study of behavior and the factors that influence it. In psychology 1 we will learn how to identify and correctly label other people’s sick, neurotic, pathetic behavior. Let’s take a look at Betty, a caring mother and devoted wife who believes the family dog was sent from outer space to conduct sadistic mind control experiments on her children. Betty’s not playing with a full deck. That’s because Betty is a paranoid personality. Why? Betty is insane. And then there’s Bob. Happy go lucky one day, kills his mother the next. Bob is a psychotic manic depressive. Why did he do that?  Because he’s insane…”

I really love ten minute university…each “class” is hilarious…”no more fraternizing with uncle monkey” “look at the color of your shirt. Same color, same team. Different color, different team.”

“When we have problems we want them worked out now, or later on this week if not sooner. But we should not sweat if he’s not answered yet, ’cause the very last minute isn’t late when God is in it”

This is from Eleventh Hour in the musical Estherday…I LOVE musicals…this is one of two “night” scenes…the other night scene, While You Sleep, I was a pillow dancer. That was a lot of work, but pretty fun…and it included handfuls of glitter if I remember correctly “While you are drooling, my God is ruling the world.”

“You look just like some sad cartoon, is that your life when you dance to the bully’s tune. Help…you better wise up better dance to the bully’s tune. The more you see you know it’s true. the world will tell you what to do, and don’t give in to the big baboon, and don’t give in don’t dance to the bully’s tune.”

I listened to this song (Bully’s tune–Michael Card) over and over third year…I loved it and although no one was listening with me, I think it was acting as my silent cry for help. I wasn’t able to let anyone in to know what was going on in secret, but I suppose instinctively I knew there was something very wrong…and even throughout the next year, I have been pushed around and threatened, and I pretty much had to continue to “dance to the bully’s tune” if I wanted to survive…and that is why I am thrilled that graduation is only two school years away…may there be abusive people in my life after graduation, certainly, but I now have the skills and background to shine light on the situation before it reaches crisis survival level.

“And so iron gates simply opened. His chains fell away like the sand…destroying dark dungeons of doubt”

This is pretty much what I imagine graduation to feel like…(He sends his angels–Michael Card)

“Sometimes my friends, well they sing a different song, and I’m not sure if they’re right or if they’re wrong”

(The B-I-B-L-E –Go Fish) IDK why, I just like this particular lyric…

Okay yeah, you probs don’t care about all my favorite songs 🙂


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