I bend but don’t break and somehow I get through…these are the mysteries I don’t understand

(Crawl—Superchick…Planes Trains and Microwaves—GoFish)

I’m not going to write the post I really want to write, because I am smart enough to know that expressing myself transparently is a punishable offense because LG is a princess and therefore unpunishable and I’m “only” a student so I don’t matter and can be abused and that’s okay, proper compensation is strict punishment…because I didn’t use to fight back and they trust they’ve pushed me down enough that I won’t change that now…I am SO tired of passively enduring the abuse, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a way out besides waiting until I can RUN away from it and never ever come back…sure, I still pretend my school is a good place because I am diminishing my opportunities for a job if people know how awful my school is, because who cares what your grades are if your grades came from a bad school…I just want to scream from the mountaintops a warning to others to not follow my path…but I can’t…and besides, how am I going to get to the top of a mountain? That sounds expensive. It is unfortunate becoming old enough to know better and not be able to get away with saying everything I think as it comes into my head like this one by someone (not me) in church one day (a long time ago)…”How much longer is that guy going to keep talking”…haha yeah…anyway…

Social media is how I have connected to and learned about my world for a long time…for a girl learning to communicate by observation and imitation thrown into a completely new social environment as an almost 16 year old, social media became not just an activity or even a crutch, but a life line to learn names and who was connected to whom in what ways. Being facebook friends with me meant two things: you were most likely a vital part of my inner circle, and I would see everything that you did on facebook…this was the time before facebook did away with the activity feed and if your friend wrote on someone else’s wall or commented on something or whatever else it showed up in a neat little list on the page…Being not my facebook friend meant that if I still knew you and considered you a friend in real life I probably still was looking at your pictures…I might not have had the social skills to hang out with you in real life, but I needed the social connection that facbook filled for me…these pictures of people meant the world to me, and eventually pictures of people on blogs also kinda sorta became my “friends” too…so you can imagine that four years later when I was blocked for the first time (to my knowledge) on facebook it was hurtful…just gonna say though, that the first time actually wasn’t SO bad, and it prepared me for the second time…which was much more hurtful, because the second time was done quite manipulatively…the second time was done AFTER finding out how much social media means to me…and then went on to be a pattern of blocking and unblocking over and over for maximal hurtful effect…and ended with a bang with getting all her friends to block me too…ouch…and to block me from her blog…and that makes no sense whatsoever…

See, she cites how I might use the information as the reasoning behind the blocking and unblocking…haha…funny…so, let me get this straight…you are freaking out that I will know that you went to a restaurant called “The Block” for lunch with your friends (formerly my friends) or that I will have easy access to two pictures of your kiddo who isn’t even cute anymore (sorry…actually, not sorry…I am tired of protecting you…protecting you is what allowed me to continue to be abused and I don’t have to stand for that anymore (or sit or lay down or anything else)…yeah, that doesn’t mean I should be rude, but not all kids are cute, and yours have outgrown the cute…it doesn’t mean they aren’t adorable or sweet or possibly even beautiful kids or that they might not be cute again some day, but I am not close enough to know them to make that judgement and I am not going to lie and say they are still cute…’cause at least according to those two pictures, they aren’t cute anymore…not sayin’ just sayin’…)…So anyway, as I was saying, you are all up in arms that I might know that, yet you left your tax documents (which I may note you shouldn’t have been using work time for, that’s called stealing from the company…which I know you probably don’t care about, but again not sayin’ just sayin’) sitting on the table you knew I always sat at for a week until I got them out of the way in the box for people’s forgotten prints where they sat for yet another month or so until someone else went through the box to decide what to keep and what to throw away…so what you are telling me is that it isn’t okay for me to easily view kidpics, but it is totally fine for me to have access to a document that likely has your SSN, or bank account info or driver license number or all sorts of other information? (I have no idea what is actually there, because I had no curiosity to look—and wouldn’t have looked even if I had been curious since I knew that page wasn’t one I printed…and I am blessed to have parents who still do my taxes for me and just leave me a note to let me know where to sign and where to send the forms after they are signed…) That makes a lot of sense…so you are worried about how I might use a kid pic but not about how I might use your SSN…I totally get that…oh wait, no I don’t…see, this is the craziness I live with Every.Single.Day at school…

There are a lot of other stories I could tell…like the following year being followed to the parking garage a couple days and then being threatened as if I wanted to be followed…well GUESS WHAT?! I didn’t want to be followed, and I was uncomfortable and crying when I noticed…and *might* have broken a traffic courtesy rule in order to escape one time…but no one *really* wanted to be able to use that driveway I parked in front of for a few seconds…right? (sorry to whomever it was I blocked that day in October…I am not more important than you, and I don’t mean to make excuses, but I was running on adrenaline and I was too busy thinking about my tiny opportunity for escape than I was thinking about how my action might inconvenience you…I truly do feel bad thinking about it…and I worked on driving considerately even when adrenilated…and no I don’t think that is probably a real word, but maybe it can be the word of the year or something)

Also, completely unrelated, but it you have your id clipped through your shirt to your bra you should probably unclip it before trying to change clothes instead of yanking harder when you can’t get the stupid shirt off…I also would suggest not wadding up your t-shirt next to your soggy towel if you don’t want to put on a slightly damp t-shirt later… #learningeveryday


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