So long status quo

(Brave-Nichole Nordeman)

I learn and get smarter every day

I’m learning…and I am not the same as I used to be…besides just no longer being a coward trying to protect everyone else while neglecting myself, I am learning things that make life more live-able every day…and I have not lost my joy for life.

Like last week I learned that graham crackers and sandwiches shouldn’t go in the same plastic bag…the graham crackers get kinda mushy…and the bread gets kinda hardened…also I read somewhere that graham crackers were originally created to suppress sexual desire…that seems really weird, and I am not sure if I believe that is true…but graham crackers with frosting are SO good so I could totally see someone turn down sex if they could have graham crackers and frosting instead…although I am sorta biased since I have never had a husband yet so I haven’t yet had a chance to even decide if I wanted to have sex…

…and I also recently learned that fruity pebbles and sandwiches also don’t go in the same bag…the sandwich ends up covered in fruity pebbles which is sorta messy, and the fruity pebbles get clumpy…and not just the ones covered in peanut butter…

…and some of the things I learn just make me feel downright stupid…like how my face was numb and I didn’t like it…and I read on the internet that heat would take it away…but even when my fingers were nearly burning my face couldn’t feel anything…and I didn’t know I unknowingly burned my face until I looked into the mirror an hour or so later…which is how I got a pretty heart shaped burn on my face…which turned into a pretty wound since my fingers couldn’t stop picking at it…

(no illicit substances were implicated in the learning of this lesson despite how dumb it was…it was from the dentist…of note, I would much prefer a little extra pain now and not have the numbness later…but no asks my opinion and sometimes it is easier to just revert back to my compliant patient spineless doormat-like former self who would never dare to stand up to anyone or fight for myself…get brainwashed long enough that you aren’t worth it and sometimes you start to believe it…and following directions is sometimes a good thing and it earns you compliments at the dentist which makes you feel good about yourself…which perpetuates the cycle…but I loved the empowerment of being given the choice to stop and take a break if I wanted one even if I did think the idea of a break was dumb)

On a more serious note, I am learning not to generalize and put people in categories. A year ago I was feeling very conflicted. I wanted to characterize anyone working anywhere close to mental health as an awful person…but I had close friends that were still in that area that were still my closest friends and I needed to hang on to my inner circle while other things spun away from me…from there I learned to extend the “okay” to people who earned and maintained my trust…my easily lost trust…I have always been, and still am, quick to extend trust before I know someone, but you better believe that trust became quickly removed…I give people the benefit of the doubt. I wanna believe that every person ultimately wants to be a good person…and that burned me enough that I was ready to acknowledge that sometimes trust needs to be retracted and slowed. The song of trust put en retard while the facts are processed and interpreted…and then a few days ago everyone was abuzz about how Social Work is the worst people ever. They are the yes people. They are as bad if not worse than the security at the place I work…and things started mentally crashing around me as that began to trigger the things in me that doesn’t want more victims…it became more proof that people in mental health related areas are not good…

Let me back up a little bit. Theft is a huge problem at the pharmacy where I work. There isn’t really much we can do. In a lot of people’s profiles we have notes to get them out as fast as possible and keep an eye out and call security because they are especially bad shoplifting offenders, but ultimately we still can’t control the theft. It is too rampant and for anyone we catch there are certainly hundreds of others. Someone supervising some kind of family services at my workplace was finally caught…because one of my coworkers used facebook to figure it out…and last I heard we reported her to security and HR and all she got was a talking to despite being a repeat offender caught on camera…and more recently, just a couple days ago someone stole and we caught her and security actually showed up eventually (that is another story…we could flip the panic buttons with an armed criminal and half an hour later when security finally showed up we’d all be dead and the murderer would have whatever drugs he wanted and be long gone…)…but here’s the thing. Security watched the whole thing. We knew the thief still had a child in surgery. Instead of requesting she give back the stolen items, surgery called social work and the social work people said she could keep it and we needed to figure out what she stole and she would come in to pay for it when she picked up her prescriptions…yeah, because she had such a great track record already with actually paying for things before taking them…as it turns out, she transfers her prescriptions to another pharmacy who we warn about the theft issue…and she wants a paper prescription from us to transfer…and when she picks it up we FINALLY are allowed to not let her in, but security doesn’t do anything to allow us to obtain payment from her. We give her the hard copy of the prescription and that is the end of the transaction…great, so all you have to do to get what you want for free when you’re caught is get social work involved…great…and these are the same people that tell people that we will give them their prescriptions for free and make us into the bad guys when they actually do have to pay their copays…pay is a dirty word at our pharmacy…almost everyone has $0 copays and whenever I see a non-$0 copay, I brace myself because I know there is about an 89% chance I am going to be yelled at. There are some customers who really are considerate and understand that life isn’t free, but most people are more on the side of “I should be able to buy piles of candy while my kids steal more stuff and I should get all the Tylenol I want for free.”

So yeah, I got a little off track on that one…but the point is that someone I originally had placed on the side of the line labelled as a primarily good person had crossed over the line simply by having the S and W in the abbreviation after her name…and as I thought about it I realized that wasn’t fair. I can’t put people in categories like that. One bad person in an area does not mean that everyone is bad. There are certainly pharmacists who are not good people and/or not good at their job, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t amazing pharmacists as well…one bad apple doesn’t spoil the bunch…in fact, I recently had an apple from the bunch that was bad, but another apple from the same bag was perfectly fine…

SOME social workers may not be good people, but others can still be good people. What one person did negatively doesn’t change my positive experience with someone else. Trust is dangerous, but generalizing and characterizing people as unworthy of trust isn’t going to hurt anyone but me…and even formerly “bad” people can change. I believe in healing and restoration and believe that people CAN change…obviously some people will never change, but other people might, and I can’t write someone off forever because of being a bad person for a time in their life…

On a completely unrelated note, one of my coworkers told me that I was like a butterfly. I was living in a cocoon that broke open this summer and now I talk. I couldn’t describe it better myself. Inside my head, I responded, yeah, so it is kind of like someone un-pressed my mute button?…which I thought about and I guess admitting that is pretty much admitting that I really did at one point have a possible problem with selective mutism…which I still think should be called elective mutism, because in my opinion, selective makes it sound like a choice, which it definitely was not, whereas elective sounds like something forced that I didn’t want to do…so yeah…I would place the cocoon opening at last summer, but I didn’t work much then so no one would have known that I talk now…It feels really awesome when people recognize how much progress I’ve made.

I am also learning that a good way to help myself make progress in cleaning my room is to realize that not only will I need to move out at the end of the summer back to school (which I am NOT going to talk about right now, because going back to school is scary) but in another year I will need to move completely out of my parents house, because big girls and boys do not live at home…don’t want to pack Bandaid wrappers from seven years ago? Into the trash the “souvenir” Bandaid wrappers go…don’t wanna someday pack a pencil that is currently unsharpened and only like an inch long? Into the trash it goes….Tired of getting the plastic bag unstuck from the lunchbox zipper? Trash…my room still looks like a tornado went through, but I did take out two full bags of trash…someday my room won’t look like five incredibly messy people are sharing the space while somehow needing only one bed…

Also, I am learning that there are some times that even people I don’t like can be helpful…someone was throwing up yesterday. It was just out of my line of sight, but I could definitely hear it over and over for what felt like an hour but was probably less than 10 minutes. It was hard for me, and that made me scared that I was falling back into OCD…and then I remembered when someone I do not like said that she would be scared too if someone was throwing up near her (at a time when I was terrified and would have bleached the world and quarantined the sick people if it were possible)…and I am fairly certain that she doesn’t have OCD…so I know it is okay to be scared as long as the fear doesn’t prevent me from functioning and prevent me from eating or drinking and force me to repeatedly sanitize myself and my environment…also, looking back at that time, I am SO thankful that I am not dealing with that anymore…there was definitely a time where someone throwing up would have made me scared just to be at work, much more to touch anything or eat at work, whereas, now I am a little on edge for a minute or two and then life goes on as normal…It is a much better way to live…and healthier not just mentally, but physically, because I am not refusing the food and drink that my body is craving…and while the cookies and muffins I am eating at work now are not that nutritious, it is still better than when my contamination prevention rules prevented anything liquid from being consumed at work or before going to work, because dehydration is real and not fun…Living that way for a time taught me to treasure and celebrate things in life that may seem trivial and mundane…waking up in the middle of the night because of a storm rather than because of dehydration I something to be thankful for, not something to be annoyed over…

Another thing I learned is that small items that are important should probably not be carried around with me everywhere (unless it is something I need like a drivers license…)…’cause there used to be 25 cents and my laptop barcode in my ID case…now there is 5 cents and no barcode…I spent ten of the cents, but the rest, I don’t know what happened to…probably lost somewhere…I knew my old barcode number by heart, but this one was so unsticky that it was only on my computer for under a week, so I didn’t have time to learn the number before I stuck it in my ID case…oops…I wonder how much trouble I am going to be in over that when IT finds out I lost it…it is kinda frustrating because it is kinda their fault since I did ask for a new sticker which I know they can do and was willing to pay for if needed but their solution instead was a piece of scotch tape that lasted less than a day…but that is something I can’t change, because chances are that the barcode is lost in the parking garage at work or something like that where it will never be seen again…

I also learned how to use the blender a few weeks ago…that was fun…until I realized that blenders have a lot of pieces that need to be cleaned when done…and I decided that the blender wasn’t so exciting anymore…

Advertisements

Care to share your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s