I’m changed, I learned how to live again

(Used to do it too–Lecrae)

This is just some random reflections…because driving to work as often as I’ve been doing it gives me a lot of time to think about random things to avoid thinking about things that hurt…

I used to believe what people told me that I was too quiet…and that I was too loud and obnoxious…which doesn’t necessarily make a lot of sense since those two things sound like opposites…but I guess for it to make sense you need to know that I was struggling socially, but in the classroom was where I felt most comfortable and didn’t necessarily wait to talk until someone else wasn’t talking…and at home with my family I also talked a lot more…

…That was my definition of myself at the time–too quiet and annoying…I didn’t tend to see a lot of value in that…but it felt like everyone else saw me that way so I adopted the notion and made it my own…

…I don’t think anyone would characterize me as too quiet anymore…let’s just say that I think my mute button has stopped functioning and I really don’t care because after many frustratingly silent years, I’d rather say too much than have the words trapped inside. Being unable to communicate is SOOOOOO hard.

…but I don’t think my identity rests on being loud and obnoxious either…yes, I definitely can be impulsive and overly energetic at times, leading to talking out of turn, but I am really trying to control my tongue to stay within social norms and be respectful, and I have also learned most of the time to control my volume…and as for obnoxious…well, I don’t deny that I can be obnoxious at times, but obnoxiousness is not at the core of my personality…it is mostly just a monster that comes out of the closet when I am over-tired…like last night when I woke up when the garage door opened and decided to get up to see the picture my parents were bringing home…like my school pictures, most of my “professional” pictures from LifeTouch/Target were more of a comedy than a professional picture, because taking pictures of people with glasses is hard…while a few pics are fine and a few more look fine when they are small, the vast majority are definitely not okay when they are not small…and to the photo people’s credit, they agreed to edit the image we had printed bigger than wallet size, and it looked fine after that…but anyway, I got up to see the picture…and when I went back up the stairs I was screaming at the top of my lungs “Bob the Builder can he fix it?? Bob the Builder no he can’t!!” and other various deviations from that theme…I was having fun…but to my credit, even I agree at times like that with people who think I should shut up, because eventually I am annoying myself as well since singing and sleeping tend to be mutually exclusive activities…

Also…for a long time I hated being in the car…as I was driving closer to home I’d have everything packed up ready to get out of the car ASAP upon arrival, because the car was almost my prison…it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the car. The problem was that most of the rest of the world was scary. From social situations to contamination, there was no way I was waiting anywhere but the car…but staying was not enjoyable and I wanted out…eventually the fear ended and I could and did run free. No more waiting in the car ever…but the car also was where I ran when I needed an alone place to calm down when the waves of life felt like they were about to knock me over…it was quite the contradiction that my car was simultaneously a prison I was happy to escape from and a refuge to which I ran…and over time, like all things do, life evened out (at least in that aspect)…now I CAN wait inside and I CAN wait in my car. It is a choice. I usually go inside when I am waiting to clock in for work, but I LOVE that occasionally I can also stay in my car if I would like…never underestimate the power of choice…I used to complain (inside my head) about how unfair it was that I couldn’t just clock in whenever I wanted and just tell the device what time I was really clocking in for assuming that time was in the future…now while I would still appreciate that ability, it doesn’t bother me nearly so much, because I am not confined to my car during the waiting time…

 

Life isn’t perfect, but taking joy from the little good things makes the big bad things more manageable sometimes…

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