Monthly Archives: August 2015

Not on the Sorrows I have Known

(Upon a life I did not live–Indelible Grace)

Things I like

I like that I have awesome-sauce friends.

I like that sometimes my lousy reading skills allow me to have huge breakthroughs…for example, for the past two weeks I have been trying to figure out what exactly “must rehab new see” meant…is it a visual therapy place that sign is for with such weird phrasing? Every day I saw this boldly lettered sign and wondered…until I discovered that it actually said “new rehab must see.” Still don’t know what kind of rehab the sign is pointing me towards, but it sure does make a whole lot more sense with the words in the correct order.

I like that I am so known for my silliness and sarcasm that when I was asked if I had someone to sit with and said yes that the person I was asked by double checked to make sure it wasn’t her before walking away…

I like that I tutor anatomy in the car and quietly at church and it doesn’t occur to me at all until later that most people aren’t talking about things like epithelial cells and protein synthesis at church…but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Tutoring is what allowed me to start making friends my own age at school, and so being a little weird at church is a small price to pay for the gift of friendship that tutoring gave me…although, it would be pretty awesome if I could get paid for my time doing that though…there was someone who told me second year that I should just stay clocked in whenever I am awake because I seemed to never stop tutoring (and it was kind of true, I couldn’t walk down the hall to the bathroom without people asking me questions, and during breaks in class I was usually spending that 10 minutes tutoring someone, and pretty much if I was awake people would show up at my room or wherever I was to ask questions or they would email or facebook their questions to me…but I only ever counted as tutoring time the times when the face to face session was confirmed via email and scheduled to last at least an hour…)

Speaking of being weird at church, I love that no one at church cares that I can’t sit still to save my life…mostly I try to sit still, but on the days when I am moving too much, no one seems to mind. I like that people at church have accepted me for who I am instead of complaining that I don’t fit into the mold.

I like that the shock factor of all the really dirty places we “wouldn’t expect to be germy” was totally lost on me…yeah, you didn’t really prove your point with me there pastor; have severe contamination OCD for a while, and you definitely can pick out the germiest locations. I no longer worry about germs, but I am not going to be at all surprised when you tell me that most people’s phones are extremely germy or that soap dispensers tend to be extremely germy…or that restaurant ketchup bottles are gross…umm duh…have you seen what people do to those things? #notsurprised #SOmanypeopleatschooltextandplaygamesontheirphonesinthebathroom …yeah…shock value lost on me. I am so thankful that I no longer have to deal with that, because when you have OCD, not only do you see those disgustingly germy places, but you also see how the germs there are transported everywhere else contaminating essentially the entire world…I mean, there are even germs that can proliferate in a bottle of bleach, so the world is a horribly dangerous and terrifying place from that perspective and pretty unredeemable…luckily I know longer live in that dingy prison of a world and can see that yes, there are germs in the world, but no, getting sick is not going to destroy my life, because yes, I do now have the social skills to handle being sick…I’m sure it is not fun, but possible to manage…

I like that I discovered that school has sugar packets so I don’t really need to bring my own sugar…but I also really like that I also remembered that I will likely throw my sugar out at the end of the year anyway since I don’t really want to move out with sugar and flour, so I might as well just pack my own so it doesn’t go to waste.

I like that I started a trend. I was the second person to send an “I’m creating an email list, reply to stay in the loop” email…so you’d think it wasn’t me starting the trend…but it so was…the first one was sent out in the late morning…mine was sent out in the late afternoon…but as soon as I sent mine, suddenly a bunch of other people sent out similar messages, but they imitated my phrasing and structure rather than the stylistic pattern of the person who did it first… #trendsetting

I tried dark chocolate in my oatmeal a few days ago and I really liked that…so good.

I like that although I know I do need deep connecting friendships, that sometimes I still define friendship pretty similarly to the way in which it was defined when I was in high school…a friend was anyone I could say hi to at least like 50% of the time if I passed them in the hallway…I didn’t have that many friends, and those I had clearly didn’t last very well…but like Saturday morning I met someone and we shook hands and I immediately declared that I had made a new friend…yeah, it might be someone I will only see a few more times in my entire life, but she was super nice and I liked her.

I also really like this article… http://www.healthcaredive.com/news/the-16-most-absurd-icd-10-codes/285737/ …I laughed SO hard reading it…

I like that the sermon this week was about how God loves food, and we should be inviting people into our homes to eat…I have been playing for a long time with the idea of inviting a few people over to my apartment for dinner…I am time limited and space limited which is what has put the ix-nay on even really seriously considering it, but after hearing the sermon I started to wonder if I really could do that…perhaps to celebrate my birthday or something…and if anyone I invited would even come…and that led to thinking about how there are a lot of really awesome people in my life, but they are mostly pretty compartmentalized, but I really wish sometimes that I could bring them all together, because there are some of them from totally different aspects of life that I think would absolutely love each other…

I like that yesterday I was screaming in the car because it was HOT (hello greenhouse effect…) and then I looked in the mirror and determined that I had a beautiful uvula…and proceeded to admire it for 5 more minutes…y’all, if you haven’t ever took the time to look at your uvula you so should…it’s pretty awesome…(the uvula is the stick down thing at the back of the soft palate…I think its job is to keep food/drink from going the wrong direction and ending up in your nasopharynx and nasal cavity)

I like that this morning I haven’t checked my email yet…’cause I said I would upload our case at 6am, except I got to school at 5:59 because getting here in time to actually submit by 6am would have required not spending 27 minutes reading scary mommy before getting up…so I got the case submitted at 6:02…and then before I got on email I figured I’d finish this post and put it up…’cause I love myself and I know I am going to be frustrated if I get nothing done all day because I’d rather edit than study…

Things I don’t like:

I don’t like when I forget to lock my apartment door…not because I am afraid of people getting in and doing anything to it…I still naïvely believe that people are mostly good even though a lot of my lived experience should tell me that is not true…no, I don’t like it because it is frustrating when I get home and turn my key in the door until it clicks but it won’t open…because that click was a lock rather than an unlock…that whole righty-tighty lefty-loosy thing doesn’t really work, because keys twist rather than slide, which means that while half the key is moving to the right, the other half is moving to the left, so it isn’t very helpful to know that little rhyme, because it only applies to half the key, and if I knew which half that was then clearly I wouldn’t have this problem…

I don’t like sunburn. So at the resource fair I got kind of burned…and by kind of I mean my back and shoulders were blistery and are still itchy and peeling now…sometimes I say I don’t like outside, but that isn’t totally true. Outside is where the sun burns me and where I get all itchy and stuff, but on Friday I spent some time outside while I was eating, and being outside and being in the shade but able to see the sun was SO nice…but anyway, outside hurts…

Apparently this year facebook is no longer cool and now the cool thing is group me…which is really just group texting except random number shows up instead of the names of the people in the group so you don’t know exactly with whom you are chatting…that isn’t my problem with it though…my problem with it is that it makes my phone explode with texts all the time…and a lot of them are really only directed at one person so there is really no reason I should be included, or it is two people entertaining themselves by saying hi to each other over. And over. And over…I am used to texts being almost solely things that needed my immediate attention, and I don’t like the constant disruption of my phone lighting up with another text and I don’t like having to sort through the crap to make sure I read the important texts, and I don’t like the idea of just turning my phone off, because I do like to reachable for emergencies.

I don’t like that there was no soap in the bathrooms at school on Saturday (well at least in the girl bathroom…I didn’t check the boy bathroom because I am not a boy…and that on Sunday someone had replaced the soap but installed it wrong so the soap wouldn’t come out and I couldn’t figure out how to take apart the dispenser in the res hall bathroom to fix it…the Whelpley ones were easy: just a good bump in the middle and they opened up, but even pressing on the indented places didn’t work this time…frustrating…Maybe it’s just me, but I kinda like to wash my hands after using the bathroom…actually, based on my experience in public restrooms I can say with some assurance that at least 75% of people at least give lip service to the idea of hand washing even if they clearly aren’t REALLY washing their hands…(Y’all, getting your hands wet and drying them is not actually the same thing as using soap and rubbing it on your hands and rinsing it off…we seem to have a lot of grown adults who have not yet figured that one out…)

I also do not like that I do not have any babies or children at home to play with…I crave kid time…but considering that I am a full-time unmarried student, not having any babies of my own is probably something I should continue to live with…’cause buying kids is expensive and raising kids whether purchased or birthed is time consuming…and expensive…

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The day I chose not to eat…together we’ll make it through somehow

(Courage–Superchick)

Well it wasn’t exactly so much of a choice…

I know my lunchbox came to school because I had the oatmeal out of it for breakfast this morning…and I remember bringing it to class…but somewhere between class and wanting to eat I lost my lunchbox…I have no idea where it went…has to be somewhere between the res hall and class…

I found a use for the facebook groups though! Someone found it and offered to bring it to class ’cause she was currently in a meeting…

…so excited to be re-united with my lunch and dinner…but the class is all the way in the new building which means not only can I not eat now, but even during a break there isn’t time to run all the way to another building to use the microwave and there don’t seem to be any microwaves in the stupid new building (yep, I said it, I think the new building is stupid)…which means since my class goes until 3:50 and then I need to get in my car which also does not have a microwave (because duh), that I can’t have lunch or dinner until dinner time anyway…it is going to be a LONG day…not that it doesn’t already feel like a long day when I had breakfast just before 6 and lunch doesn’t come until at least 12 anyway though…that part was just extremely poor planning though…

I would sing softly for a girl that cries

(A long time ago–Kristene DiMarco)

…And yesterday I was reminded of a lesson I should have learned a long time ago: Sleep is a beautiful and necessary thing…

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t WANT to sleep or that I thought it was useless…I mean, I was very much aware that my brain doesn’t totally function without adequate sleep…just I guess I kinda forgot that my ability to regulate my emotions is significantly impaired without sleep…

I can pretend everything is okay for a long time if I simultaneously am running on a reasonable amount of sleep…but last night I got home about 40 minutes past bedtime…I could have gotten home maybe even 35 minutes earlier…but this extravert has trouble with prioritizing when she is fully awake, so clearly, close to bedtime, especially when going to bed late hasn’t happened in a while, her ability to prioritize is significantly restricted…and when faced with the choice of leave and go home to bed or stay a little longer in order to get to know someone long enough to make it non-awkward to schedule a time to hang out, you can guess which I chose…I can’t help it…I LOVE people…so if I want you as a friend then I am going to run into friendship heart and head first and ask questions later…perhaps my friend-making technique could use some refinement, but it works for me…

Oh, and to take away the suspense, I did successfully score a lunch date with my new friend…and got a chance to talk a little bit with my other friends…

…but anyway, with sleep I can pretend that everything is okay, but without it…when I am totally alone…everything is not quite so okay…the little stained glass masquerade I put on that I totally don’t need the people who aren’t my friends anymore because I have better friends anyway starts to break down…the fence of indifference that I’ve built around the person I didn’t even know who blocked me on twitter begins to fall…the mask of dispassion I’ve put on over the people who blocked me on facebook and linked in comes off…the act of apathy about the people no longer in my life comes to a finale…Yeah, I do have LOT of friends, and I love them deeply, but new friends is not a replacement for my old friends that have been lost over time. The bandaid of positive interactions with people doesn’t truly heal the cut underneath from the people who have hurt me…

…but like the article we read yesterday at the first year girls fun time (yeah, I know I am not a first-year, but I have always been more connected with people older/younger than me than people my own age so until my lab starts that conflicts with first year fun, I am going to keep attending…the great thing about first years is that at least at the beginning of the year, they are very open to new friendships and they aren’t too busy to say hi to me on occasion so they make for really good friends), it is okay to cry…(here is the article…it doesn’t describe my first year that well, but it is a really good read)

…and cry I did…I have made SO MANY new friends, but I still miss the friends I have lost over time, and I am not stupid. I do notice when people are nice when no one is watching and then aren’t when their other friends are around, and I really do appreciate it, but at the same time it is hard, because I have been in situations like that before and I know at the end of the day I am usually the one who gets cut off when the person decides they need to pick just one side and can’t keep hiding their friendship with me…and shared love of the color red probably isn’t enough to sway the scales in my favor this time and I beat myself up over if there were any realistic ways I could have changed things to tip the balance…and yeah, just ’cause I didn’t know her doesn’t mean I didn’t care that she blocked me on twitter…srsly…so I found this person on twitter and she tweeted really awesome stuff and I kept going back to her profile to read her tweets because a lot of them were really great quotes so eventually I figured it would make more sense to just follow her…and I guess she found some random stranger following her creepy or something even though she did have thousands of followers, some of whom were not actually people…I guess I really don’t know her story and don’t know why she did that and all I have to do is log out (and remember my password so I can log back in) to keep reading her tweets but it isn’t the same and doesn’t change the sense of hurt and rejection from being blocked…

Awake I tell myself I don’t need people because I am competent and can do it myself.

Awake I tell myself I don’t need people because I have SO MANY other friends.

Half asleep I tell myself I need people, and tears slip out while I am alone in the car, because people mean the world to me and even though I profess that making a positive difference to one person is awesome, half asleep it is a lot easier to see all the people I can’t make a positive difference for…It might not have been efficient to stop every couple minutes to answer questions and to guide people to whatever they were looking for and to help behind the scenes with everything, but all those little happy moments added up to a quite contended child and sometimes I feel empty and like I can’t make a difference with all of that taken away…

Awake I am getting up every day and life is good…

but half asleep all the hard things in life are thriving and fighting for my attention…

…and that is why next week I will try again, this time using the knowledge that people are awesome but sleep is better…and the people will usually still be alive to make plans with in the morning (and the plans aren’t going to be very effective from the night before if the person is no longer alive so yeah…)

‘Cause now it is the morning and life is good again. I love life. I love people. I love me. I love eating. I love the color red. I love skittles. I love my LG slide phone. I love brownies. I love reeces peanut butter cups…okay I’m done now…I srsly need to get back to studying or I am very much not going to love failing out of school…’cause switching to another school or even another degree program was a possibility a few years ago, but at this point it is very much not even a possibility anymore so I gotta finish what I started, ’cause quitters never win and winners never quit and if you never quit and never win then you have a problem…

’cause theme parks are so much more fun when the sun’s outside

(Chap stic and chapped lips and things like chemistry–Relient K)

So: Things I’ve learned this week

This is sort of a part 2 to the post I wrote a long time ago about all the food related things I had learned living on my own such as how to not find moldy jelly in your refrigerator (not that I ever learned that the hard way…twice…(then I stopped buying jelly))

So yeah…number one: do NOT pour boiling water into a peanut butter jar in order to get the peanut butter out more easily. The peanut butter jar doesn’t act as much like a shrinky-dink as the propel bottle did during 3rd year, but the jar does deform, and it doesn’t really get the peanut butter out that much easier…plus there is probs a good chance that plastic ended up in the peanut butter…which means that this week I may become more flexible because I may be eating plastic…also, the boiling water that misses the jar is sorta hot and messy…

Number two: read the needed ingredients before buying mixes, or look up substitutes while you actually still have good internet access…So yeah…easy mac packets only require water to become mac and cheese (although I also add oil and pepper)…the kind that comes in a box apparently wants you to add milk and margarine…I don’t like margarine so I figured I could substitute oil for that so I didn’t have to buy a bunch of margarine and throw most of it away later or bring it home over winter break…but then the milk…chocolate milk macaroni is one of the things some of the boys created in elementary school created that completely grossed me out, so that is definitely not an option…and very vanilla macaroni and cheese is one of those things that I don’t need to try to know that it probably would be a disaster…so yeah…I substituted water for that…as it turns out, that worked just fine to create macaroni, but it is a bit nerve-wracking to read the directions on the box and realize that you don’t actually have any of the ingredients except the water and the stuff in the box, nor do you have the internet handy to make sure everything is going to be okay…

Number three: Dishwasher pods look really awesome, but they aren’t so good for handwashing dishes…they look super awesome, but they become slimy and they don’t bubble…Like they look really cool as the plastic dissolves, but they are super slimy…and make absolutely no bubbles…and really don’t clean how I thought they would either…but playing with it once was definitely worth it, because when else am I going to get to stick my fingers into something that awesome, ’cause if you use them in an actual dishwasher you’ll never get to see and/or touch that stuff except while it is still encased in its little plastic bubble (which is also kinda awesome…if I had a dishwasher at my apartment I would likely be hooked…)

Number four: Never underestimate how distractible you are when calculating how much you can get done…It took me five times walking all the way to the leasing office from my apartment to manage to get there WITH my rent check…as in I didn’t realize I had forgotten anything until I was standing in front of the leasing office thinking “…oh…” I may have had a slightly more successful attempt if immediately upon realizing I had forgotten I had gone back to my apartment to get the check…but instead I was like hey, I am already here, I might as well sit down and use the wi-fi and I’ll come back later to pay my rent…haha yeah…and finally by the fifth time I was so proud to have the check in hand before walking out the door that I got most of the way down the stairs and then turned around because I realized I was only wearing one shoe…barefoot is cool by me if I am staying on the sidewalk, and TWO shoes is cool by me for going outside…but ONE shoe is not adequate…but I did finally manage to get the check turned in approximately 10 minutes before bedtime…which means that by the time I got back to my apartment and located my pajamas and pillow it was 10 minutes past bedtime…I don’t know how things that live on my bed can be so hard to find…

Finally, number five: how not to pack your backpack in the morning…Step 1: make sure your piles of stuff have been pushed around enough times that you have to completely start over sorting the stuff that belongs in a folder, from the stuff that belongs in the trash, and the stuff that belongs somewhere but not in the backpack…Step 2: be sure that your apartment is so messy that you have to look everywhere to find the other half of your computer charger…Step 3: Remove your right shoe from its location by the door and search your apartment for the missing left shoe…Step 4: FINALLY gather all your things and walk out the door…Step 5: Wonder, how did this happen as you realize that it has taken you the same amount of time to get ready this way as it did two days before when you packed all your bags the night before and only needed to pick them up and walk out the door…

Oh wait…also, I learned why it is good that a lot of the time I forget that I was going to mop the floor…I mean, soapy water is on the floor all the time…like when I am dumping out dish water and completely miss the sink…or when I figure I’ll save some time and fold my clothes while filling the bucket with soapy water and totally forget about it until the water is overflowing…which is why it totally doesn’t bother me if it has been a few weeks…the floor might be getting dusty, but it is plenty clean…

…Oh…and this morning I discovered the next best thing that I really don’t need but kinda want…INSTAGRAM!!…where else will I find awesomesauce quotes like “I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” So if anyone wants to teach me how to make an Instagram account on my computer, I would love you forever and ever until I realized how little I was going to get done with one more social media distraction…so on that note, I don’t think I *actually* want an Instagram…

Rollercoaster Let Me Ride

(Too far gone—Tyler Burkum)

My life is very much like riding on a rollercoaster…for example: yesterday…

Happy in the morning having oatmeal made with sprite…frustrated in lab with the new software that is a really good idea, but is not very realistic and not very user friendly…happy for a cookie in my lunch and determined to not talk while listening to the special important speaker…feeling defeated when it is commented in a negative way that I was quiet…

…and then it was white coat ceremony chaos. That was super hard. I didn’t pack enough candy for the day and couldn’t have the skittles in my backpack until like 7 so it was partly my fault that it was hard. All I was thinking with all the stuff going on was being told two years ago how dumb it was to not want to participate in white coat ceremony. I could get a break from the memory and flashbacks while I was helping people (yay for most stuff happening in a way in which I could help), but when the people had thanked me and left the thoughts flooded back in…some wounds are slow to heal, and sometimes it hurts even two years later. Besides how inappropriate it was to ever have told me it was dumb whether you thought it was or not, it really isn’t dumb to not want to have participated. It was a really hot day. It was standing in front of a LOT of people. It was an event that serves absolutely no purpose that I can ascertain. What point is there for the extremely shy girl that I was who received no benefit from the social opportunity and was terrified of being in front of everyone, not to mention miserable from the heat? Anxiety is a very real thing, and it is NOT stupid to have social anxiety. I am no longer afraid of social situations like that, but that doesn’t mean I think it was stupid to be afraid then. Yes, I recognized then and acknowledge now that the fear was excessive and not appropriate for the situation, but I didn’t choose to have the anxiety, and experiencing anxiety is not a sign of stupidity. In fact, our ancestors were bred to be uncomfortable in certain situations in order to survive. If they were totally calm when a bear was running towards them, life was not going to go on, so anxiety kept them away from the bears…just sayin’…it was a sign of intelligence and concern for one’s own safety…It is not stupid to be afraid.

Not all questions are made equal though…some questions throw hurt in my face…For example, I want to help you find the prayer room…I want to go there too…but I am currently pretending I didn’t hear what you said so that I don’t have to get up and talk to the front desk worker who is going to be all like why don’t you do it yourself…yeah, I know, immature, but sometimes it is the best means to the end as long as it really is obviously believable that I didn’t hear…I’m not gonna be rude and blatantly ignore people…

Skittles make me SO happy though…I was mid-bite of vegetables when the clock turned to skittles time for the first time in three months and the skittles immediately went into my mouth and my world was so very happy for a few minutes while I completely forgot that school or anything even existed…I shared with one of my friends and when she asked me how it felt I was so high up in the clouds that I didn’t even have words, just my hands stretched out full of happy!

I am really glad that I decided that 3 months would be the maximum I would go without skittles and that I didn’t slip and have to start over again after May 21st

Also, I realized just how deep my friend’s fear of one of the security guards goes…and it really hurt my heart…it is pretty much the same as what I have deemed CodeA, which for me (if I actually say it which I never have) means that something has triggered me and I am no longer listening to you while I internally deal with something else…but anyway, completely unrelated to the rest of this paragraph except that it is about my friend: she apologized that she hadn’t taken her meds and I could probably tell…I couldn’t tell, and it really makes no difference to me whether she had or hadn’t…if you like how they make you feel then awesome, if you don’t and there isn’t a compelling reason to take them, then don’t…not necessarily the best pharmacist answer, but to me, if you don’t wanna then you probably aren’t going to take the meds consistently/correctly and it is usually going to be better in my opinion to just skip it altogether…that gives your healthcare team a more accurate picture of what is going on, and also some meds can be dangerous if you just randomly decide when you will and won’t take them, especially if future dosing is based on clinical data from spotty administration…besides…I am a people person…I want people to be happy, so forcing them to take a medication they don’t wanna take doesn’t fit well into my picture…sometimes I get that it is kinda necessary, but I’d rather in most cases educate the patient to make their own health choices than to impose my opinion on them…it isn’t really fair to the patient to collect information from them and then ignore it…

…and of course the day ended happy when I managed to get outta here in time to not get stuck in traffic in the parking garage…pretty much all the good spots are now reserved parking, which makes it more important for there to not be a lot of traffic, because the corners are harder to get out of and the upper levels of the garage are more confusing to me, so GirlyQ needs her personal bubble in order to successfully get out of the parking garage…IDK why so many spots have to be reserved…maybe if I knew why it wouldn’t bug the h**k out of me so much to not be allowed to park in all my favorite spots…all I know is that it appears that 90% of the time all those spots are sitting vacant for no apparent reason…and I kinda wanna know what would happen if I just *happened* to *accidentally* forget how to read and parked wherever I wanted…which would be the spot right in the middle of the first floor of the garage to the left of where the wall indents…but I don’t think I am ever going to find out unless someone else does it and lets me know, because I tend more towards following the rules…but all I know is that we have a new parking garage and suddenly a bunch more spots in the older/better parking garage are reserved…another instance of GirlyQ should probably just shut up and stop caring because no one asked her opinion because no one really cared what her opinion was, nor did they feel that it was anything that she needed to know…

I’ll drown in the water if I listen

(Head Underwater–Flyleaf)

After volunteering at a counseling center* for about a year and a half, I have now fielded my first semi-crisis call…and because, of course, just my luck, I could not find the behavioral health emergency line phone numbers that I know I should probably offer…I did get as far as knowing to definitely not promise an appointment tomorrow although I couldn’t come up with the words “we are not a crisis agency” until after I hung up…but I think I got the important information out and did a good job…a lot better than the first few times I ever answered the phones there and stumbled through figuring out to identify where people had called, who I was…you know, all the things I should have learned way back when I was little and we practiced phone skills by calling daddy at work…those skills I should have remembered and developed with friends in middle and high school…those skills that I had nearly completely lost by college because the phone was the thing in the world I was most scared of, and mine was often turned off for days at a time because I’d forget about it since I had no use for it…

The voices in my head say I failed because I didn’t offer any other resources and because now my friend has to either call the person back or make sure someone else calls her back today…but I didn’t fail…I got enough information to make a call back possible, and at least to me if someone asks for a very specific time the next day then it probably at least isn’t an immediate crisis…I kinda thought about offering a link to crisischat since I didn’t have the a phone number to give the person…but sometimes IDK if it really is a good resource, because it does have potential, but there are just a couple issues…First, that sometimes it is pretty much immediate but other times there can be a multi-hour wait for someone to chat with…and that I do not know the quality of the person on the other side of the screen…I did it twice a little over a year ago, and one of the people I got was really incredible and helped me to sort through all the things going on to figure out what was the real problem, but the other one was pretty useless…so that makes it in my experience a fifty-fifty chance of being good, and in my opinion that is lousy odds if someone is really and truly in crisis…not gonna lie, although it is called crisischat, some of the survey options are for things that don’t really fall into the realm of crisis…I was not suicidal when I used the resource…which perhaps is why a few times I gave up after waiting for hours, because I really don’t know if they screen the surveys to get the most desperate people in first or if it just was busy and they go in the order that the surveys are received…

It was a good reminder though that I should probably ask about some policy changes, because I realized that there are a few things that have changed since last spring, and it would probs be a good idea for me to know, for example, what the new policy is for registration for example…’cause the two questions I have gotten most often in the past are people wanting to register, and people wanting to leave a message for their counselor…I still know how to do the latter of those things, but the former is something that seems to have changed…and obviously I am going to need to find the phone # for the crisis line…

*I should probably clarify that I have not suddenly forgotten that I am in pharmacy school…I still think that I have too much time committed with school to be able to take on seeing clients as a lay counselor, but everyone needs a break once in a while, so I volunteer there but I only do stuff like make copies for counselors, answer phones, shred stuff, and other tasks that it won’t be a really big deal if I have to take a week off for an event at school…so I might answer the phone and talk to clients, but I do not actually officially counsel anyone…it works well for me to have a role that is important but not so important to inhibit me from a day off…

You’re the Best Believer in Me

(Believer–Kristene DiMarco)

from facebook-edited2

I really like this picture…I might be hot…so hot that my brain was no longer fully functioning and I somehow agreed to stand at table #15 (self-defense club) for a short time so someone else could meet my new friend even though I previously said I couldn’t do that, and doing so put me somewhere that wasn’t very comfortable for me…but I am still cooler than you 🙂 (See edited in star shaped sun glasses)…yep, certain conventions don’t bother me a bit, but it was too hot to stand up for the entire time…

Also, I love that this picture hides the remaining bruises that I have in real life…I promise I didn’t get beat up though…last Monday I went slacklining for the first time ever, plus I went again Wednesday…There was a learning curve…I can now stand on one foot…assuming that one foot is my left foot…my brother insists I will never be competent at walking if I can’t stand on my right foot…which is slightly problematic since I can barely stand on my right foot on solid ground…umm yeah, this girl was so shy that in 9th grade in October in gym class she fell so hard her right ankle was still bruised by January and she has never told anyone until recently which means there was a LOT of avoidance…did you know that it is very possible to stand so that it looks like most of your weight is on your right foot while actually keeping most of your weight on your left foot?…did you also know that it is significantly harder to hide an ankle owwy while doing breastroke?…well, now you do…

…and also, now I know why they say your phone should be not right next to you while studying…I got out of class early…and 2.5 hours later all I had gotten done was answering texts and eating dinner…and this is probably why I feel  bit overwhelmed…

It’s a page in your book but it isn’t the end

(Progidal–Sidewlak Prophest)

I am a survivor…I have never had a panic attack before to my knowledge…but the first day, standing in the hallway of New Building of school I recognized some of the symptoms and was praying it didn’t turn into an actual panic attack, ’cause I definitely didn’t need that on the first day of school…heart racing, breathing too fast, feeling dizzy…I wasn’t anxious at all, but I guess the sensory overload of voices coming at me from every direction as I walked down the hall in the new building was more than I could keep up with…with headphones in and sitting along the wall I no longer felt as if I was suffocating, but it wasn’t enough to take away the voices and spinney feeling…

Sensory play in attempt to calm my brain: the router in the ceiling is the same one as in the nursery…two green and two orange lights and one of the green lights is having a seizure…the lights on the ceiling look pointy…they are not good for staring at…I think I like flat lights better…life is not all about me…itty bitty camera…itty bitty fire alarm light thingy…sparkly exit sign…Two gray windows…at least from this angle I can’t see my car…CE’s car is red…actually from this angle I can’t see any cars but I can imagine a red car…and imagine my blue car with street cred (AKA hail damage) next to it and picture me and my friend sitting in our cars next to each other and sharing a bag of sour gummi works back and forth…and my imagination is getting a little bit overactive right now because that will probably never ever happen…if I’m just pretending though why not pretend my car is bright red with a black and silver stripe…that would be awesomesauce…

Okay, now we’re good…the noise isn’t so bothersome anymore…

Luckily inside the classrooms the sounds from the hallway and other classrooms dissipates enough that I didn’t have to get through class that way, but oh my, this is kind of a problem that I don’t know how to solve…especially since everyone is like “We have to get used to the new building” and stuff…it would be so much easier if there were an anxiety component, because I know how to end anxiety, but I don’t really know if exposure works for sensory overload, nor do I really have the time and energy to find out…

…and of course there is the whole school thing to contend with. I try so hard, but sometimes it isn’t enough, and I seem to have reached a point at which try harder is no longer enough to get me where I want to be. Sometimes it seems pretty futile, but even if I don’t get the residency I want at the end of the day, someday I will be a pharmacist, and if I prove myself in my job and still am not where I want to be it will give me a chance to at least try again for the position I really want…GirlyQ is big girl. GirlyQ will not be defeated by school.

It was pretty awesome though that I remembered I hadn’t locked my car when I was only half way up the stairs and I turned around and went back outside to lock my car…so much better than last year when by the end of the first week not only had a left my car unlocked multiple times, but I had left the window rolled down and the door open too…but while I know locking my car is a good thing, I feel like if I’ve never had a problem before when I was super forgetful then why would I expect to have a problem now, and how much more convenient would it be to just leave the door wide open all the time…but convention apparently has a hold on me, because I still attempt to ensure my car stays locked when out in the open…which is probably a good thing, ’cause better safe than sorry and locking doors keeps honest people honest…not gonna lie though…I am 90% sure that I left my apartment unlocked this morning and I didn’t FEEL like going back…I trust most people…and I can’t remember giving anyone my code into the building…so I’ll just get to come home to an unlocked apartment late tonight…not having to use my keys sounds like an epic win to me :)…forgetfulness is awesome sometimes 🙂

I had trouble studying b/c I was overwhelmed, and I missed the free snow cones because I was in class, but I had some great friend time, and I can try again tomorrow to study, and if it still doesn’t work then I know I’ll figure SOMETHING out…

I started as the person everyone knew was likely to just disappear from social events regardless of the requirement in the signed contract…the contract which this girl added an extra paragraph after her signature detailing why she may not be able to fully uphold the contract…and no one made it a big deal or pushed my decisions on what I wanted to handle. I was praised for what I did do, and a blind eye was turned to what I couldn’t. People offered to help when I was stretching myself. Basically, although people acted like they were excited to have me and told me I was playing a valuable role on the team, sometimes I felt like the weakest link…but now my voice has grown. I realized it feels really strange going from the one who socially anyway was probably the weakest link to being probably the biggest talker on the team. I am still not an events person—I am perfectly happy to have a meeting at our usual time about something without going across the state or the country to talk about it—so I am glad that other people are more on my side now, not really interested in the events…I might be an extravert, but I would be more thrilled to get to talk to the friends I already have here at school than to be taken away and be forced to make new awesome friends somewhere else and then leave them at the end of the weekend to go back to school…I fail to see the point in that……….but anyway, I was looking at myself and realizing that all those things I didn’t know how to communicate a few years ago are coming naturally now, and even though most of the rest of life hasn’t gone according to plan, the social skill I have gained is definitely worth celebrating…

…and I can’t figure out how to say one of the other things I wanted to say so that it actually makes sense so let’s just say there is one other way that the day went a lot more smoothly than it could have gone and I look forward to things hopefully continuing that way!

So I made it through the first day of school…now I just need to get through the rest, one day at a time, and hopefully end up with passing grades so I don’t have to run through this fire all over again.

Make it new Make it real

(Deanna’s song-Kristene Dimarco)

If you don’t make your opinion known, then it is mostly your fault that things aren’t how you like…sharing your negative opinions might not make any changes, but makes it at least a possibility that either you will become not alone or that changes will be enacted…and then you can give up and know that you did at least the minimal effort required to say you didn’t do nothing…haha yeah…

Things I don’t like:

Stuff and things…I don’t like stuff and things and junk…okay…here is a slightly more specific list…

The air system in the new building is way too loud.

Even sitting in the front row in the classroom I was in Sunday, it was really hard to hear the person in front talking, and if anyone more than an arms length away from me was talking they may as well have been talking through a closed window for as far as I could tell. In the hallways I feel like I have to almost shout to hear myself talk, but that is disruptive to people in the classrooms.

There are far too many windows in the new building.

When I can see outside and into the hall it is really hard for me to focus on what I am supposed to be focusing on…this new building is the first time a classroom has ever had functional windows like that besides just certain seats in 1390 and 1590. 1303 and 1503 in some areas did have a view of the doorway from the seats, but it was enough in an alcove that you really only saw the empty open space unless someone was entering or exiting the classroom.

The desks have too many moving parts.

I am a person who has trouble sitting still in class and who enjoys having an enclosed space to work in. With desks on wheels and that swivel, me and sitting still is going to be a huge challenge, and because the parts move so easily, there isn’t any way that I could figure out to turn the desk into an enclosed space without a high likelihood of completely falling over if I moved…

The room numbers are non-intuitive and do not stack.

In most buildings, room 111 will be directly below 211 which will be directly below 311. Perhaps my visuospatial skills are just that far off, but the numbers appear to be pretty randomly placed. Additionally, the numbers are not odds on one side of the hallway and evens on the other, nor do the numbers work down the hallway numerically. It feels like someone was drawing numbers out of a hat to label the rooms.

The building feels like a maze.

Most buildings are either built as a circle or as one or two long hallways, but this building feels like it spirals and it is confusing. I know this one is not just me, because I have heard other people complaining about this too, especially how some stairs only go to certain levels and they aren’t in the corners, so we don’t expect to have to go searching behind stairwells to find classrooms. I also don’t need people wandering the halls while I am whining telling me to stop complaining because this building is awesome. I wasn’t talking to you, and if I cared what your opinion was I would have asked, and clearly I do not think the new building is awesome…sorry, I cannot subscribe to your little everything is awesome world. I respect your opinion, but I would like to request to respectfully agree to disagree. Don’t yell at me because your opinion is different than mine…the word is different, not wrong.

Good thing: the hallways are really wide which seems like it would be awesome for biking.

Bad thing: I am fairly certain that I would get in trouble for biking in the hallways.

There aren’t any outlets in the stairwells, and very few along the hallway…haven’t we learned anything from the older buildings.

It would be really helpful for there to be a kitchenette with a sink, storage space, and possibly microwave in the new building so I could rinse dishes and heat up food and stuff…I know for sure that microwaves would be well utilized by other students as well since a lot of our classes are over there and sometimes class schedules make it hard to get all the way to the cafeteria to heat up food. People would probs also like a fridge/freezer but that is not really something I care about.

Like I said before, it feels more like a mall than a school…and I think I figured out that it is because of how the ceiling is really high and the hallways are loud and echo-ey with lots of windows into the rooms.

I really do not like the sinks in the new building. They are automatic which is already a strike against them since there is no temperature adjustment and no pressure adjustment. They do not stay on long enough, and the water comes out too close to the edge of the sink. Also, the water is freezing cold, and because it comes out with such low pressure I have been using one sink for each hand to get the soap off, but when it is busier, that won’t really work…I am also not a fan of the foam soap, but with the low water pressure, it would be nearly impossible to get real soap off of my hands so unless we can get better sinks, the foam soap was a good choice…

There was someone I decided I was going to give a chance and not automatically decide this person was going to be a bad person…and this person is not exactly making it hard to think that perhaps I don’t need to get to know this person to decide this person is a bad person…if I attempt eye contact and wave and smile, I don’t expect you to have a conversation with me, but I do expect at least a nod, wave, or smile in return…is that too much to ask?

…but if you only think about things you don’t like you are a lame person who needs to get a life, so there are also some good things goin’ on.

Things I like:

My athletics friend from like two years ago who I thought had forgotten about me because I wasn’t around last year took the time to say hi to me and really engage me in conversation.

Even though I am completely overwhelmed, other people are encouraging me that I can do it but not by telling me that it is easy, thereby implying that I am just too dumb to figure it out.

My friend I thought I was never going to see again ever invited me to come to the park with her if I have time.

Another of my friends came back to working at school and I missed her so much when she was gone…

My parking pass is RED striped…Red is my favoritest color ever so that made my day…so hapy to not have more ugly pink parking permits…

I made a new friend yesterday and she is really friendly.

I made a new friend on Friday and realized today that he is the one who wanted info abt Cru way back in the middle of the summer…there is something different about him that I can’t figure out, but he seems to be a really compassionate person, and he takes the time to care about people and talk to me without being clingy, which are all good things in a potential new friend…but no, I am not at all interested in him in the bf/gf arena right now…he is just a friend who happens to be a boy, not a boyfriend…just wanna make that clear before people go making assumptions about me…GirlyQ does not really intend to get her Mrs. degree until she graduates and therefore doesn’t have much use for a boyfriend unless God has other plans

I’ll stand. My soul, Lord, to you surrendered.

(The Stand—Kristian Stanfill)

I love church…It was a bit frustrating getting there since I had to take a new, longer, way since the road I usually take is closed, and the new way while not that much physically longer, is much longer in terms of time, but once I was there it was like coming home. Like I’ve said before, the personality test that said I would fit in best at religious groups was pretty accurate…because people at church are nice enough to smile and wave back at me and say hi…and some of them I know outside of church and know that they aren’t just being “Sunday People” while they are at church…which I don’t know why I use the phrase sunday people seeing as how at school I pretty much only go to church on Saturdays…

Excitement number one: it wasn’t too crowded, so I didn’t have to get frustrated about trying to parallel park…yeah, I still am lousy at it to the point that I have started considering parking a few streets away to save the hassle of parallel parking and un-parallel parking…

Excitement number two (much more important): One of my friends invited me to sit by her and it was so awesome-sauce! It is amazing to be wanted. It is even better to be wanted by someone who also makes comments during the sermon and is a criss-cross applesauce over standard sitting position person…Giggling like schoolgirls (I don’t know exactly what that means, so I’m just going to say it means laughing and having a good time) is the best remedy for loneliness : ) .

My arms felt empty, missing the children that I ached to hold, but my heart was full. On the topic of nursery, it is SO good to be able to go into a service and not feel like everyone is staring at me…when I was ensnared by social anxiety, it was really hard every time I moved back and forth and had to go to a different church, especially coming back to school when I often had not even been in a service in a long time because at home I prefer to hang out with the kids and watch the sermon online later…but now, being in a service is not in the least scary or intimidating. It is just another way to praise my Savior…it is hard for me to sit still for a service, but socially, I have no problem, and most of the time I am able to at least stay in my seat enough that I am not embarrassed by my need to be in motion…

If I could change one thing about church though, it would be that it would be socially appropriate to wander around during the sermon…during the service a few people I know came in as the service was starting and I really wanted to say hi and catch up with them, but I couldn’t…

It was really hard to contain my laughter to an appropriate level at communion though…the person up front said the usual broke the bread thing…which reminded me of on Thursday when we had Dominos for dinner and we got cinna sticks and I don’t remember how it came up but I started singing the song “Jesus broke the bread” except with new lyrics: “Mommy broke the sticks….this is my icing poured out for you…” and then we talked about how maybe Jesus actually had donuts and we just misunderstood the translation and how church would be so much better if we had cinna sticks for communion…

I love church…At school I often feel like an outsider, but at church everyone is so nice and although at school recently I have had some random people ask to sit with me to escape the loud, crowded, noisy atmosphere of the cafeteria, for the most part that doesn’t happen at school, but at church it isn’t that uncommon for someone I don’t know to introduce themselves to me and even engage me in conversation…Also, I am getting involved at church and I am really excited for that…At church people appreciate me for what I can do instead of making it real obvious they would prefer if I didn’t exist…

Going home was also interesting, because I didn’t write down directions for that, and it is not that comfortable for me to make up directions as I go in an area that I have not really driven in before and that has had a lot of changes recently…and also I have now confirmed (not with a medical professional) that I am allergic to something…by the time I got home I was literally screaming because I was what I probably should describe as itchy, but for me a lot of things like that my sensory system might trigger itchy at first but if it intensifies it just triggers pain…and I was lucky enough to stop myself before pouring anti-itch in my eyes…I probably used more than intended on my legs, but I didn’t blind myself, and that is always a good thing…

Oh, and back to the topic of church, it was kind of cool because in the sermon he was talking about inviting college students or other people between living situations into your home…which is exactly what I was hoping to do next year…him talking about that made it feel a lot more acceptable to ask someone to allow me to stay with them…I am so excited for the rotations that I can do away from school, but I do need a safe place to stay for the rotations at school (safe being a subjective term that really just means not in my car and not too close to the princess library…not that I actually know where the princess library is…I just know I don’t wanna stay too close to it…)…well actually, I do have a vague idea where the library is seeing as how I was trying to bike there the day a couple years ago when really only remember that it is approximately south and west of my apartment…

Random side note: I might not be able to have skittles for a few more days, but fruit snacks make a pretty good substitute…

Random side note #2: It would be really awesome if the song I wanted to listen to on repeat wasn’t an underwear commercial…”I don’t care! I love it!”…