This is harder than I thought, harder than I thought it’d be

(I’m not sure if the song is called ’empty never felt so full’ or ‘what it feels like’ or ‘love feels like’ but I know it is by Tobymac)

(written Friday but I was too lazy to leave my apartment to post)

(This was basically a written version of a pity-party, because I was having a rough time and sometimes writing gives me a better perspective…and sometimes it doesn’t…)

Sometimes there are days I should probably just thrown in the towel…but that’d be more laundry : )

Today I started feeling especially overwhelmed and frustrated…nothing really happened to really warrant the feeling—not that I don’t know why it happened…See, I do really poorly without adequate sleep, and sometimes (like last night) I just have trouble falling asleep, especially when my sleep radio is packed already, which occurred on like Saturday…I am also an extreme early bird, so I am used to waking up, looking at the clock, and having it be like 2 or 3 in the morning and needing to be patient so I get 8 hours in bed (even if some is spent awake but not doing anything)…but looking at the clock just barely an hour after going to bed is frustrating…but anyway, to the point, I was quite inadequately rested and probably dehydrated too, because I usually do wake up around midnight needing a drink, and my water bottle was removed from my room a couple days ago as well…so lack of sleep caused everything to seem magnified…(Yes, I know that is not a quote enquote normal sleep pattern, but I never claimed to be normal…and besides, in my opinion, everyone just has delusions of normalcy…everyone is a unique person with their own quirks so if there is such a thing as a normal person then there could only be one and every single other person on the entire world is not normal)…

Things didn’t fit very well in my car…then I was going to drink juice before leaving in the morning, but then I forgot, and we currently have strawberry banana flavor at home which I don’t even like that much, but as soon as I realized I hadn’t had it, I was craving it…then there was a ton of construction greatly slowing down traffic…and then I got off the freeway and was talking on the phone so I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to where I was going, and when I tried to use navigation on my phone of the non-phone-a-friend variety to get back, it took me a completely wrong direction…I saw some pretty neighborhoods, but I was Not Happy…and Charter called me and I was so starved for human interaction that I chatted happily with the friendly representative for a long time before cutting to the chase and refusing to try their service but I wanted a real friend to talk with…

The gas station I always went to went out of business…which was probably something I should have predicted since they kept running out of gas, but didn’t make the discovery any less frustrating…and the grocery store has been re-arranged…and the cheapest milk was the kind that doesn’t have enough calories to be worth my money…and the only ones left of the vegetables on sale were the mixed veggies bag that I don’t buy anymore because I won’t eat the green beans and it got annoying to pick through for them…and I was frustrated that I live on the third floor of a building with no elevators…and my mailbox was stuffed with so much stuff I ended up sitting on the floor in the hallway and pulling things out and throwing it directly into the trash…and once all my stuff was taken care of mostly I was really hot and my shirt and pants were soaked through with sweat and I stunk despite putting on deodorant/antiperspirant 4 times…

Some of my earrings (that I almost never wear) were broken…my t-shirt drawer was too full…my dad thought he could make my brakes on my bike work even better and they are now completely broken…I went in the new building at school and hated it (instead of a school it feels like a haunted mall and it is like a maze)…no one knew where I was supposed to be at school…IT at school has never really been on my nice list…I tried to make lunch/dinner and the chicken in the frozen dinner was blue…and after being away for months, I lost some of my tolerance for certain situations, so my blood felt bubbly when that particular situational trigger went off…and the website I wanted to read wasn’t loading…

So none of those things or any of the other issues alone really deserves to have made me feel so frustrated that my brain went into if I am frustrated maybe someone else should be mode which made me momentarily ride my bike in the middle of the road for like a block before I remembered that I should be treating others with respect, not bringing them down to where I am hanging out as a negative nancy…oops…most of the time I am really good about keeping things to myself, but sometimes it spills over like that and I make bad choices…

…and even together they really aren’t such a big deal…but being tired amplifies everything…and I cried on my way home…and I have no idea where my classes are and have not been on moodle nor have I read a single syllabus, looked for books, or otherwise prepared…and I realized that I apparently brought all my extra notebooks home unless more are hiding somewhere in my apartment or in the still packed piles…and no one ever answers my emails and I have too many overlapping commitments and I definitely haven’t worked ahead on anything and I feel overwhelmed and the semester hasn’t even started yet but I feel like I barely am keeping my head above water…and so many other things I feel like are going wrong that I don’t wanna keep writing about…

I’m fine…don’t worry about me…the majority of these are things that after hopefully good sleep tonight won’t be such a big deal inside my head…and I always struggle at the beginning of a new semester with figuring out the classes, but I have learned that if I can stick with it, it might not get better, but I usually make it out on the other side…things might not turn out perfectly, but eventually I will graduate and like the paramedic I was shadowing on Wednesday said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel at it probably isn’t even a train this time! I can’t wait to graduate.

Added Saturday: I am still frustrated about a lot of things, but I am a lot more ready to make things work out…oatmeal with chocolate chips and orange Fanta for breakfast is really good…although seeing as how I already tend towards excessive energy even without sugar I should probably be saving the sugar for when I really need it…but, like the Caribou cups and napkins say, “life is short, stay awake for it.” Also, I just found this on the internet, and it is SO good…prepare to have your heart ripped open…I definitely did hug my computer…also, I really do never know what I’ll find in my backpack…this morning I found a crushed and previously melted Hershey’s kiss covered in crumbs in my backpack…also, the oatmeal seemed like a really good idea until just now when I remembered the issue of how am I going to wash the bowl so that I don’t have a sticky bowl in my lunch box…I’ll stop complaining about the new building if it is unlocked and there is an easily accessible kitchen on the first floor…


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