It’s a page in your book but it isn’t the end

(Progidal–Sidewlak Prophest)

I am a survivor…I have never had a panic attack before to my knowledge…but the first day, standing in the hallway of New Building of school I recognized some of the symptoms and was praying it didn’t turn into an actual panic attack, ’cause I definitely didn’t need that on the first day of school…heart racing, breathing too fast, feeling dizzy…I wasn’t anxious at all, but I guess the sensory overload of voices coming at me from every direction as I walked down the hall in the new building was more than I could keep up with…with headphones in and sitting along the wall I no longer felt as if I was suffocating, but it wasn’t enough to take away the voices and spinney feeling…

Sensory play in attempt to calm my brain: the router in the ceiling is the same one as in the nursery…two green and two orange lights and one of the green lights is having a seizure…the lights on the ceiling look pointy…they are not good for staring at…I think I like flat lights better…life is not all about me…itty bitty camera…itty bitty fire alarm light thingy…sparkly exit sign…Two gray windows…at least from this angle I can’t see my car…CE’s car is red…actually from this angle I can’t see any cars but I can imagine a red car…and imagine my blue car with street cred (AKA hail damage) next to it and picture me and my friend sitting in our cars next to each other and sharing a bag of sour gummi works back and forth…and my imagination is getting a little bit overactive right now because that will probably never ever happen…if I’m just pretending though why not pretend my car is bright red with a black and silver stripe…that would be awesomesauce…

Okay, now we’re good…the noise isn’t so bothersome anymore…

Luckily inside the classrooms the sounds from the hallway and other classrooms dissipates enough that I didn’t have to get through class that way, but oh my, this is kind of a problem that I don’t know how to solve…especially since everyone is like “We have to get used to the new building” and stuff…it would be so much easier if there were an anxiety component, because I know how to end anxiety, but I don’t really know if exposure works for sensory overload, nor do I really have the time and energy to find out…

…and of course there is the whole school thing to contend with. I try so hard, but sometimes it isn’t enough, and I seem to have reached a point at which try harder is no longer enough to get me where I want to be. Sometimes it seems pretty futile, but even if I don’t get the residency I want at the end of the day, someday I will be a pharmacist, and if I prove myself in my job and still am not where I want to be it will give me a chance to at least try again for the position I really want…GirlyQ is big girl. GirlyQ will not be defeated by school.

It was pretty awesome though that I remembered I hadn’t locked my car when I was only half way up the stairs and I turned around and went back outside to lock my car…so much better than last year when by the end of the first week not only had a left my car unlocked multiple times, but I had left the window rolled down and the door open too…but while I know locking my car is a good thing, I feel like if I’ve never had a problem before when I was super forgetful then why would I expect to have a problem now, and how much more convenient would it be to just leave the door wide open all the time…but convention apparently has a hold on me, because I still attempt to ensure my car stays locked when out in the open…which is probably a good thing, ’cause better safe than sorry and locking doors keeps honest people honest…not gonna lie though…I am 90% sure that I left my apartment unlocked this morning and I didn’t FEEL like going back…I trust most people…and I can’t remember giving anyone my code into the building…so I’ll just get to come home to an unlocked apartment late tonight…not having to use my keys sounds like an epic win to me :)…forgetfulness is awesome sometimes 🙂

I had trouble studying b/c I was overwhelmed, and I missed the free snow cones because I was in class, but I had some great friend time, and I can try again tomorrow to study, and if it still doesn’t work then I know I’ll figure SOMETHING out…

I started as the person everyone knew was likely to just disappear from social events regardless of the requirement in the signed contract…the contract which this girl added an extra paragraph after her signature detailing why she may not be able to fully uphold the contract…and no one made it a big deal or pushed my decisions on what I wanted to handle. I was praised for what I did do, and a blind eye was turned to what I couldn’t. People offered to help when I was stretching myself. Basically, although people acted like they were excited to have me and told me I was playing a valuable role on the team, sometimes I felt like the weakest link…but now my voice has grown. I realized it feels really strange going from the one who socially anyway was probably the weakest link to being probably the biggest talker on the team. I am still not an events person—I am perfectly happy to have a meeting at our usual time about something without going across the state or the country to talk about it—so I am glad that other people are more on my side now, not really interested in the events…I might be an extravert, but I would be more thrilled to get to talk to the friends I already have here at school than to be taken away and be forced to make new awesome friends somewhere else and then leave them at the end of the weekend to go back to school…I fail to see the point in that……….but anyway, I was looking at myself and realizing that all those things I didn’t know how to communicate a few years ago are coming naturally now, and even though most of the rest of life hasn’t gone according to plan, the social skill I have gained is definitely worth celebrating…

…and I can’t figure out how to say one of the other things I wanted to say so that it actually makes sense so let’s just say there is one other way that the day went a lot more smoothly than it could have gone and I look forward to things hopefully continuing that way!

So I made it through the first day of school…now I just need to get through the rest, one day at a time, and hopefully end up with passing grades so I don’t have to run through this fire all over again.


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