Rollercoaster Let Me Ride

(Too far gone—Tyler Burkum)

My life is very much like riding on a rollercoaster…for example: yesterday…

Happy in the morning having oatmeal made with sprite…frustrated in lab with the new software that is a really good idea, but is not very realistic and not very user friendly…happy for a cookie in my lunch and determined to not talk while listening to the special important speaker…feeling defeated when it is commented in a negative way that I was quiet…

…and then it was white coat ceremony chaos. That was super hard. I didn’t pack enough candy for the day and couldn’t have the skittles in my backpack until like 7 so it was partly my fault that it was hard. All I was thinking with all the stuff going on was being told two years ago how dumb it was to not want to participate in white coat ceremony. I could get a break from the memory and flashbacks while I was helping people (yay for most stuff happening in a way in which I could help), but when the people had thanked me and left the thoughts flooded back in…some wounds are slow to heal, and sometimes it hurts even two years later. Besides how inappropriate it was to ever have told me it was dumb whether you thought it was or not, it really isn’t dumb to not want to have participated. It was a really hot day. It was standing in front of a LOT of people. It was an event that serves absolutely no purpose that I can ascertain. What point is there for the extremely shy girl that I was who received no benefit from the social opportunity and was terrified of being in front of everyone, not to mention miserable from the heat? Anxiety is a very real thing, and it is NOT stupid to have social anxiety. I am no longer afraid of social situations like that, but that doesn’t mean I think it was stupid to be afraid then. Yes, I recognized then and acknowledge now that the fear was excessive and not appropriate for the situation, but I didn’t choose to have the anxiety, and experiencing anxiety is not a sign of stupidity. In fact, our ancestors were bred to be uncomfortable in certain situations in order to survive. If they were totally calm when a bear was running towards them, life was not going to go on, so anxiety kept them away from the bears…just sayin’…it was a sign of intelligence and concern for one’s own safety…It is not stupid to be afraid.

Not all questions are made equal though…some questions throw hurt in my face…For example, I want to help you find the prayer room…I want to go there too…but I am currently pretending I didn’t hear what you said so that I don’t have to get up and talk to the front desk worker who is going to be all like why don’t you do it yourself…yeah, I know, immature, but sometimes it is the best means to the end as long as it really is obviously believable that I didn’t hear…I’m not gonna be rude and blatantly ignore people…

Skittles make me SO happy though…I was mid-bite of vegetables when the clock turned to skittles time for the first time in three months and the skittles immediately went into my mouth and my world was so very happy for a few minutes while I completely forgot that school or anything even existed…I shared with one of my friends and when she asked me how it felt I was so high up in the clouds that I didn’t even have words, just my hands stretched out full of happy!

I am really glad that I decided that 3 months would be the maximum I would go without skittles and that I didn’t slip and have to start over again after May 21st

Also, I realized just how deep my friend’s fear of one of the security guards goes…and it really hurt my heart…it is pretty much the same as what I have deemed CodeA, which for me (if I actually say it which I never have) means that something has triggered me and I am no longer listening to you while I internally deal with something else…but anyway, completely unrelated to the rest of this paragraph except that it is about my friend: she apologized that she hadn’t taken her meds and I could probably tell…I couldn’t tell, and it really makes no difference to me whether she had or hadn’t…if you like how they make you feel then awesome, if you don’t and there isn’t a compelling reason to take them, then don’t…not necessarily the best pharmacist answer, but to me, if you don’t wanna then you probably aren’t going to take the meds consistently/correctly and it is usually going to be better in my opinion to just skip it altogether…that gives your healthcare team a more accurate picture of what is going on, and also some meds can be dangerous if you just randomly decide when you will and won’t take them, especially if future dosing is based on clinical data from spotty administration…besides…I am a people person…I want people to be happy, so forcing them to take a medication they don’t wanna take doesn’t fit well into my picture…sometimes I get that it is kinda necessary, but I’d rather in most cases educate the patient to make their own health choices than to impose my opinion on them…it isn’t really fair to the patient to collect information from them and then ignore it…

…and of course the day ended happy when I managed to get outta here in time to not get stuck in traffic in the parking garage…pretty much all the good spots are now reserved parking, which makes it more important for there to not be a lot of traffic, because the corners are harder to get out of and the upper levels of the garage are more confusing to me, so GirlyQ needs her personal bubble in order to successfully get out of the parking garage…IDK why so many spots have to be reserved…maybe if I knew why it wouldn’t bug the h**k out of me so much to not be allowed to park in all my favorite spots…all I know is that it appears that 90% of the time all those spots are sitting vacant for no apparent reason…and I kinda wanna know what would happen if I just *happened* to *accidentally* forget how to read and parked wherever I wanted…which would be the spot right in the middle of the first floor of the garage to the left of where the wall indents…but I don’t think I am ever going to find out unless someone else does it and lets me know, because I tend more towards following the rules…but all I know is that we have a new parking garage and suddenly a bunch more spots in the older/better parking garage are reserved…another instance of GirlyQ should probably just shut up and stop caring because no one asked her opinion because no one really cared what her opinion was, nor did they feel that it was anything that she needed to know…


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