I would sing softly for a girl that cries

(A long time ago–Kristene DiMarco)

…And yesterday I was reminded of a lesson I should have learned a long time ago: Sleep is a beautiful and necessary thing…

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t WANT to sleep or that I thought it was useless…I mean, I was very much aware that my brain doesn’t totally function without adequate sleep…just I guess I kinda forgot that my ability to regulate my emotions is significantly impaired without sleep…

I can pretend everything is okay for a long time if I simultaneously am running on a reasonable amount of sleep…but last night I got home about 40 minutes past bedtime…I could have gotten home maybe even 35 minutes earlier…but this extravert has trouble with prioritizing when she is fully awake, so clearly, close to bedtime, especially when going to bed late hasn’t happened in a while, her ability to prioritize is significantly restricted…and when faced with the choice of leave and go home to bed or stay a little longer in order to get to know someone long enough to make it non-awkward to schedule a time to hang out, you can guess which I chose…I can’t help it…I LOVE people…so if I want you as a friend then I am going to run into friendship heart and head first and ask questions later…perhaps my friend-making technique could use some refinement, but it works for me…

Oh, and to take away the suspense, I did successfully score a lunch date with my new friend…and got a chance to talk a little bit with my other friends…

…but anyway, with sleep I can pretend that everything is okay, but without it…when I am totally alone…everything is not quite so okay…the little stained glass masquerade I put on that I totally don’t need the people who aren’t my friends anymore because I have better friends anyway starts to break down…the fence of indifference that I’ve built around the person I didn’t even know who blocked me on twitter begins to fall…the mask of dispassion I’ve put on over the people who blocked me on facebook and linked in comes off…the act of apathy about the people no longer in my life comes to a finale…Yeah, I do have LOT of friends, and I love them deeply, but new friends is not a replacement for my old friends that have been lost over time. The bandaid of positive interactions with people doesn’t truly heal the cut underneath from the people who have hurt me…

…but like the article we read yesterday at the first year girls fun time (yeah, I know I am not a first-year, but I have always been more connected with people older/younger than me than people my own age so until my lab starts that conflicts with first year fun, I am going to keep attending…the great thing about first years is that at least at the beginning of the year, they are very open to new friendships and they aren’t too busy to say hi to me on occasion so they make for really good friends), it is okay to cry…(here is the article…it doesn’t describe my first year that well, but it is a really good read)

…and cry I did…I have made SO MANY new friends, but I still miss the friends I have lost over time, and I am not stupid. I do notice when people are nice when no one is watching and then aren’t when their other friends are around, and I really do appreciate it, but at the same time it is hard, because I have been in situations like that before and I know at the end of the day I am usually the one who gets cut off when the person decides they need to pick just one side and can’t keep hiding their friendship with me…and shared love of the color red probably isn’t enough to sway the scales in my favor this time and I beat myself up over if there were any realistic ways I could have changed things to tip the balance…and yeah, just ’cause I didn’t know her doesn’t mean I didn’t care that she blocked me on twitter…srsly…so I found this person on twitter and she tweeted really awesome stuff and I kept going back to her profile to read her tweets because a lot of them were really great quotes so eventually I figured it would make more sense to just follow her…and I guess she found some random stranger following her creepy or something even though she did have thousands of followers, some of whom were not actually people…I guess I really don’t know her story and don’t know why she did that and all I have to do is log out (and remember my password so I can log back in) to keep reading her tweets but it isn’t the same and doesn’t change the sense of hurt and rejection from being blocked…

Awake I tell myself I don’t need people because I am competent and can do it myself.

Awake I tell myself I don’t need people because I have SO MANY other friends.

Half asleep I tell myself I need people, and tears slip out while I am alone in the car, because people mean the world to me and even though I profess that making a positive difference to one person is awesome, half asleep it is a lot easier to see all the people I can’t make a positive difference for…It might not have been efficient to stop every couple minutes to answer questions and to guide people to whatever they were looking for and to help behind the scenes with everything, but all those little happy moments added up to a quite contended child and sometimes I feel empty and like I can’t make a difference with all of that taken away…

Awake I am getting up every day and life is good…

but half asleep all the hard things in life are thriving and fighting for my attention…

…and that is why next week I will try again, this time using the knowledge that people are awesome but sleep is better…and the people will usually still be alive to make plans with in the morning (and the plans aren’t going to be very effective from the night before if the person is no longer alive so yeah…)

‘Cause now it is the morning and life is good again. I love life. I love people. I love me. I love eating. I love the color red. I love skittles. I love my LG slide phone. I love brownies. I love reeces peanut butter cups…okay I’m done now…I srsly need to get back to studying or I am very much not going to love failing out of school…’cause switching to another school or even another degree program was a possibility a few years ago, but at this point it is very much not even a possibility anymore so I gotta finish what I started, ’cause quitters never win and winners never quit and if you never quit and never win then you have a problem…

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