(Lights Shine Bright—Tobymac)
(I have not re-read through this post, because school is tackling me and trying to suffocate me and I already spent more time than I should have typing it…so if it sounds dumb or has lots of errors I apologize in advance…)
So yeah, sometimes just a little bit of light can make a huge difference…if you read my previous post you know Monday wasn’t such a great day. Well, Tuesday was better, but had me a little deeper into memory world than I’d like to spend most of my time. I definitely think it is super beneficial to talk things out, but doing so via text isn’t the most conducive way to do that and without the visual and aural cues to figure out what someone is actually thinking it is really hard to know exactly what is going on…sure, a solution might be TALKING on the phone instead of texting, but I like the privacy of texting…and even though I am no longer afraid of talking on the phone and do have the phone skills to request people slow down or talk louder or whatever to try to enhance my understanding, I still struggle with figuring out all the words over the phone so I feel like what I gain in the vocal inflection from talking on the phone I lose in the pieces of the words and phrases that I don’t catch…and I am not going to have someone repeat things over and over until I get the whole thing, because eventually they are going to get annoyed, and even if they don’t get annoyed, the constant repetition gets in the way of the fluency of the conversation which means that by the end of a couple sentences I doubt either of us will remember what we were trying to get across…and in all honesty, most of the time getting 90% of the word is enough to get the basic idea of what the other person wants…but all that to say, I had an in person conversation that led down internal memory lane which both because I am a processor and because sometimes there are environmental considerations that influence the direction of the conversation, in turn led to another conversation via text that externalized the memory but without enough processing to really put the memories back in their little boxes at the end of the conversation, so the light that shone on Wednesday was especially beautiful. I think of myself as a realist with a bit of optimism thrown in sometimes (and okay, I’ll admit a bit of pessimism on occasion as well), and the optimism side combined with my silliness means that a little sparkle of joy really does follow me even into the deepest darkest places my mind has visited.
Umm yeah…I just re-read what I’d already written so far, and it seems like I wrote a whole lot without really writing anything…so yeah…and this is why I have trouble staying under the character limits on twitter…
On Wednesday my text conversation was continued enough that I could tell where the person’s thoughts probably really did land, AND y’all who know how much I LOVE people will understand how exciting it was that I get to have one-on-one time with that person again next Tuesday to continue the conversation in person! …and I suppose it also speaks to how much I crave friendship that I will give my commodity of time so quickly to someone I met just a few weeks ago…Friends are my favoritest thing ever…and as a bonus, this person is within a year of me so she basically counts as a peer…that is an age group that it not where my specialty lies in friend-making, so that makes it that much more exciting.
Also, my other friend with the same name which makes things a little confusing sometimes gave me the gift of choice right about the same time that it got worked out that I was going to have more friend time. You have no idea how dignifying the ability to choose is when for so long you have had to rely on other people making all your decisions for you. It might seem like such a small things, but sometimes those small things really are the big things…and it’d been so long since I really had a choice that the excitement was almost paralyzing.
I have really awesome friends in my life and that is really important. I used to think I really could do live completely alone, but I know for sure that is not true anymore. Some people hurt me, but without the incredible people I would not make it…and besides, the extravert that has finally been successfully uncovered is so thrilled to be around people.
Wednesday is also one of my TA days and I love TA’ing so much. I entered the tutor/TA world unofficially within a couple weeks of school starting my first year, helping a few second years with anatomy, and officially entered it my second semester. It is something that I really enjoy. I love that I can point out structures at this point without even really looking at the model I am describing…that is pretty cool…but what I really love is explaining and re-explaining things in different ways until the lightbulb goes on. It is really awesome to see that moment of transformation.
It was also extremely good that I took my assignment list out of my backpack last night…because I saw that oops, my assignment was due at 6 in the morning. That wouldn’t be such a big deal—I get up at 5 in the morning so in theory I should be able to get to school by 6, but putting it off until then is a bad idea…for one thing, the humidity in my apartment can keep me awake making it hard to get up in the morning despite my wakefulness. Then there is the alarm issue, or rather the lack of alarm issue; my alarm doesn’t always go off so I use my old phone as a back-up, but if that is turned off as well then it is up to happening to look at the clock at the right time to get up, and I have myself trained pretty well to not stare at the clock constantly…and then there is the caffeine experiment. I really like coffee and other caffeinated drinks, but my body doesn’t do so well with caffeine. Last year I tried to overcome that by starting with like 1mL of pop every morning and then work up to a little more and a little more…but by the time I got up to 15mL I missed a day and the next few days the caffeine made me feel sick in the morning which wasn’t such a great way to do things so I gave up…but this year I got smarter and realized that as long as I do it only occasionally in the evening I can sleep it off and be fine so I hypothesized that I could start by doing it more frequently then either increase the dose or move the timing to earlier in the day to learn to tolerate the caffeine…so far that is working a lot better…but on the off chance that I go too fast and the caffeine does make me sick, or that it does what it does to normal people and keeps me awake, I don’t want to put things off until the morning counting on being able to get up…and beyond that, even if I do get up on time, getting myself out the door can very easily be another story…having bags in the car of the clothes that I might need at school has solved some of the running around in the morning stuff, but there are still plenty of things to remember…like water…not that I’ve ever forgotten that before…oh wait…(BTW, who’s bright idea was it to take my back up kitchen space and re-make it into a lab…girl gets thirsty and hungry and is disappointed when her field trip is not rewarded with water with which to make oatmeal…)…so anyway, barefoot I went next door and used the phone wi fi because the computer wi fi was down for some reason and got my assignment turned in…and this is why you both check your to do list and the day of the week before heading home for the night…
Also, one of my friends got a job! Yay friend! I can only imagine how scary it is to graduate and not have anywhere to go…I haven’t graduated yet so I haven’t experienced it yet, but it seems like it would be terrifying…
Also, on Tuesday I tried to write “you’re awesome” on a whiteboard in the lobby…except I can’t write to save my life and ended up with “you’er awesome” It made me so happy to watch people react…and even more so when someone fixed my spelling on Wednesday…
Also, I have this friend, and I have written about her before because I thought she thought I didn’t want to be friends anymore, and on Wednesday I got to see her SO MANY TIMES. It was so exciting and she is such an awesome person! I mean, she would probably have preferred to see me a little less since the reason I saw her so much was that she kept forgetting stuff, but ti was super-D-duper (#barneyreference) to get to see her over and over and yeah.
Also I got to see both of my Thanksgiving friends on Wednesday and also set up another meeting with someone I haven’t seen in forever on Friday.
And also, today I had the most exciting elevator ride of my entire life. I am so glad that I am now able to choose the elevator if I feel like it…especially because otherwise I wouldn’t have had this experience. It was so much fun…This kid gets on and starts apologizing to everyone for no apparent reason and gets done and says “okay, now everyone’s got an apology, but where’s mine?” and one of his friends said something super rude to him (and the person it was said to was fine with that) and it was so hilarious and there was so much chatter and excitement on that elevator and I wished I could bottle it all up and carry it with me as a reminder of the good in the world.
Unfortunately the world is a broken place and studying isn’t so hot and my grades so far have been less than stellar and that is really hard for me, but I am learning to accept that there is a lot of the semester left and as long as I eventually end up with passing grades, I will become a pharmacist at the end…and like one of my friends told me third year when I was struggling with a lot of things, grades are not important, people are. At the time I was frustrated because I felt like I was failing in both those areas…I was trying SO hard to fix people who didn’t want to be fixed and failing there and in the midst of all the trials I was enduring my grades were lousy…but as time as gone on, I have seen the wisdom in that statement. Eventually, my grades will no longer matter once I have been out of school for a while, but I can definitely testify that even situations with people that have been out of my life for a long time have made a significant impact on my life that lasts much longer than the grades ever will. This is not to say that I will gain friendships at the expense of my grades, but it does put into perspective that my happiness and the happiness of the people willing to be influenced by me is worth more than the number and letter on a piece of paper (or a computer screen). I might not like the letters further into the alphabet, and those percents starting with a 4 are hard for this middle and high school straight-A student to swallow, but I have a three months of the semester left to make my grades into passing ones, and God can work miracles and maybe, just maybe, he will turn that 4 into a 9 by the end of the semester which would put me into at least the A- range…yeah, it’s not an A, and it’s not seeming likely right now, but it isn’t an impossibility.