I am tired, I am drained, but the fight in me remains

(Love Feels Like–Tobymac)

So this post inside my head was a lot different than it came out on the screen…and now I don’t like the title anymore…but I decided I don’t care anymore and should just finish posting it and go back to studying…

I am kind of frustrated. I thought my facebook was secure, because ever since the last incident, I have been trying to check at least once a day for signs of someone spying on my facebook. In the meantime, I changed my probably easily guessable password and added settings that send me an email every time a log in occurs from a device besides my laptop…and I started getting an email like every week…it said the view was coming from a particular city and since that is where school is and therefore where my laptop is probably registered I just figured it was a fluke and didn’t worry too much about it…until I got two notifications in the same week and that seemed a little suspicious…so I changed my password again…and realized the password changing notification came from a totally different city than the one the alerts were coming from…seriously people? Just when I was thinking I was probably in the clear, now I feel again that my data isn’t so safe…I mean, there isn’t that much to see…I am no longer a stream of consciousness facebooker, and I don’t give out a lot of personal information via facebook anymore but especially if someone is getting all the way into my account that isn’t fair to the people I am friends with, because it also compromises their privacy. Not that I want people to mess with me, but it is SO not okay to mess with my friends. I am fiercely protective even of people I do not care for, and even more so protective of my friends. You don’t mess with my friends…and I definitely have a LOT of personal information from high school stored on my facebook…some of it is in notes visible only to myself (or someone logged in as me)…and some of it was written to friends…or occasionally random people I met once and decided were going to be my awesome friends and therefore shared my life story with…so yeah…either way, someone getting on there could potentially be getting some pretty embarrassing information about me…mixed in with all the ten posts like every day that I totally needed to share…and anything my friends shared with me is what they felt comfortable sharing with ME, not with some random person spying on my page from the inside…okay…stepping off my soapbox…especially since I do not actually know for certain that the notifications weren’t a fluke and maybe the location feature and the other logins feature just aren’t that accurate…

And…Sometimes I know I am probably being paranoid…for example…twice this week what appears to be the same car has honked at me when I stopped for a particular stop sign near my home, and I turn and the car behind me goes straight and then makes a U-turn and heads the opposite direction…and when it happened the second time it made me feel as if I was being followed…of course, being me, my response was to turn up the radio to make sure the person didn’t hear me and then scream butt-face at them (with my windows completely rolled up). Yep, butt-face is one of the worst insults this almost 23 year old can think of, and she felt it at least moderately appropriate momentarily to use it for a driver who had honked at her twice possibly while lost…which means I also felt really bad about myself after doing that, because I don’t know what is going on for that driver. I don’t know if perhaps that driver was trying to get my attention because that driver needed help. I don’t know anything, and yet I assume the worst…I am a bad person, and even though in the moment I mouthed off to the person, as soon as it was over I really wanted to find that person and apologize, because I could recognize that really wasn’t appropriate. Now if I could work on getting the feeling protective of everyone feeling to come before I opened my mouth that would be golden…but I’m only almost 23 so my prefrontal cortex is still developing…

Sometimes after a long day I have to remember that not all screaming is a sign that someone is hurt…I was walking in my apartment building to my apartment and heard someone screaming, and I really wanted to scream that it was going to be okay…and then I remembered that sometimes people scream because they are excited…so then my intrusion would be awkward…so I minded my own business and continued on to my apartment. I don’t know why that person was screaming, and people are allowed to scream without consulting me first to let me know the reasoning…although I suppose with that criteria that it would include negative screams too, because I am pretty sure a rapist wouldn’t put up a sign saying “hello, don’t mind the screaming in apartment #111; I’m just rapin’ someone who hasn’t learned to keep her mouth shut yet; nbd; have a great weekend everyone.” …but I suppose if someone was getting raped it would probably still be a good plan for me to not get involved…especially seeing as how I am also a naïve young female…so note to self…ignore all screams…

This is Laundry Week: time to take the bags of clothes out of my car to sniff test (and spill check) them to determine which need to be washed (definitely all 4 socks regardless of the results of testing), which can stay, and which need to be switched out for the simple reason that required professional attire becomes significantly less professional throughout the semester when you show up every single time all semester in the same shirt and pants…also time to consider if tennis shoes are machine washable, because I was ripping the tags out of my school shoes absentmindedly on Wednesday and discovered that they are kinda salty…but I don’t want to wreck them before the end of the year or shrink them smaller than my feet…

If you were wondering about the shoes: I read on the internet that you can wash them but should wash a towel at the same time to prevent damage to your washer and that they are extremely likely to damage the dryer so I washed them and planned to not dry them…unfortunately, my washer got stuck at 7 minutes left for like 20 minutes and I wanted to go to bed…and the washer door was still locked…so after trying everything else I could think of I switched to a one-minute drain cycle…which also didn’t help because then it was just stuck at 1 minute instead of 7 and was still doing nothing…finally I had the idea that I would leave it turned off for a while and hopefully it would eventually forget it was trying to wash stuff and unlock the door…so I took a short nap curled up on the bathroom floor and that worked…except for the fact that I now had a drippy wet towel and tennis shoes…but I started another load of laundry on a delay cycle in the morning, and the timer seems to now be decreasing in time correctly so I don’t think I destroyed the washer in the process…although something is telling me that the soggy towel probably shouldn’t be sitting in the washer all day anymore than it should have been doing that all night with my shoes…also, even shoes that smelled fine  before seem to take on a not so good smell after sitting soaked on the floor all night…good thing they only need to cover my feet for a few more months…and the internet has lots of ideas for stinky shoes that are even realistic for a normal person and/or a college student…

I recently read something (I can’t remember where) that I thought was really insightful. It was how health care professionals see the negative side of things and therefore see these things as bad, and may create a bit of a stigma to them…alternatively they may see them as really awful to live with and not understand why someone would be resistant or not fully compliant with treatment…the example the article gave was that someone with attention problems is not going to come in complaining that oh my, I really need help because I can’t stay focused on this really negative event in my life and I have compartmentalized it it doesn’t even bother me most of the time…and they don’t come in saying hey look, I really need help, because I was hyperfocused on this project and I might have neglected some things to finish it but look at how awesome it turned out…no, if they come in, they come in complaining of the good things in life they’d like to be able to focus on and can’t or how hyperfocusing on their hobby is taking time away from other things like spending time with people that are important to them. With those complaints, it is hard to see how anyone could function in the long-term that way, much less why anyone would want to do so, but upon looking deeper it becomes clear that there are some benefits beneath the surface on the other side of those complaints…the side that isn’t going to be brought up in a standard patient visit, because they seem pretty positive to the patient, at least in the short term…which is where most people live…I really connected with that viewpoint, and I think it really gives credence to the importance of really getting to know someone before judging their behavior. From what you see as an outsider it might not make a lot of sense, but once you take a step closer and get to know the deeper parts of their conceptualizations of the world, that nonsensical behavior starts to seem downright logical…

Y’all, I am so excited…one of the reasons is something that involves something that is not my news to share…but the other is that as of two days ago, *finally* I have texted and/or called enough on my phone that EES no longer shows up in my favorites tab…that it so exciting for two reasons…one is that although I am sure there is a way to delete people from the list, I don’t know what that way is, and when I am trying to figure stuff out like that there is a high probability of me calling someone inadvertently rather than deleting them so I have just been leaving it alone, but hated seeing that name on my list because while the “favorites” seem to be generated based more on whom I have contacted more than a twice most recently and clearly doesn’t take into account my actual feelings about the person or group, the listing of “favorite” really bugs me…and the other reason is that one of my little buddies in particular back home is really fascinated with phones, and while he just likes watching the screen change and definitely doesn’t mean any harm, he is able to press buttons with impressive dexterity and has almost gotten into my bank account through my phone before, so with the name being on the favorites list it just seemed that much easier that I would turn around for a second and he’s be making a call…which would be adorable for all of five seconds until I panicked when I realized who was being called…

Also, totally unrelated, but I was thinking today that of all the social media sites that I use, the one that seems by far the most impersonal, pinterest, seems to be the one that any casual observer could take a look at and have a really good idea of who I am as a person and what makes me tick…kinda weird how random captioned pictures from the internet can tell my story better than my own pictures and words about life…

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