(I believe in You—The amazingly talented and beautiful singer and songwriter Stephanie Pauline)
I know…I am taking this totally out of context…especially since the very next line of the song is “I have to believe in miracles…” but those two lines in the title are what are speaking to me right now. It seems kind of negativistic, but it actually isn’t as negative as it sounds.
See, on Wednesday I found a mirror reflecting the bright shining beam of hope (metaphorically speaking). I finally could see a light at the end of the tunnel that I had been traveling down for the past year again. I was cautiously not quite on the clouds, but definitely not on the ground…but then the mirror was flipped over and the chair was yanked out from under me and it hurt. And it was a little embarrassing and hard to deal with because I was sitting in the back of class with only a laptop and calculator and just barely not crying…I couldn’t explain to the people around me so I blamed it on the fact that I hadn’t eaten lunch and OMG it is like 1pm already, but that was pretty much just an excuse…it is dumb, because I hadn’t been thrilled with life that morning, but I hadn’t been devastated, yet nothing was truly different from that morning to that afternoon.
That’s the problem with hope. It leads to expectations of positive in a situation that is decidedly negative, and when the reality shines through it leads to disappointment and that little bubble of excitement to pop. With that frame of reference, it seems better to simply not hope and learn to deal with the possibility that things are not awesome now and may not be awesome later either. It doesn’t mean I don’t want good things to happen. It doesn’t mean I want to fail my classes. It doesn’t mean I want school to be a miserable place…what it does mean is that to the best of my ability I am going to live in the moment and celebrate the positives and try to brush the negatives off without looking for some sign that things are going to be better tomorrow. I don’t know how well I can keep myself from creating little bubbles of hope, but I guess we’ll find out…
Totally unrelated thought:
When I had to pick a language in middle school, I picked French, and I stuck with it through a couple years of college level French. Which led to the unique circumstance of that I was missing social skills in English and couldn’t express myself very well in my native language, but in French the way we learned was through conversational patterns, and the classroom is where I have always been most comfortable with communication. Every topic we approached we learned this is what you say to express this thought to a friend. This is what you say to express this thought to a best friend. This is what you say to express this thought to a parent. This is what you say to express this thought to a teacher…etc…which meant I was very comfortable communicating in French…
In turn, that means that although I now have learned the skills to be comfortable in English as well and am no longer fluent in French, if I am stressed out, I still revert into French on occasion…which leads to conversations with myself like this:
Quel est votre nom. Mon nom est Isabelle. Quel est votre nom. Mon nom est Isabelle (repeat…)
Wait…You mean not everyone repeats French phrases to themselves as they walk? No, girly, they do not, but it’s okay. If that’s what it takes to get you from point A to point B then just keep going. Ooooh!! Kids!!!!!…GIRLY! Go. To. Class. Do NOT pass go. Do NOT collect 1 million dollars.
Yeah…I was practicing making friends…which is totally useless in an English-speaking country…plus most people would use “Comment t’appele tu” “Je m’apelle Isabelle,” but that is less formative based on the direct rather than the interpretive translation, and I discovered along the way that fluency in French (which I have now lost) isn’t really helpful without an English equivalent.
I guess you now know my French name in middle school was Isabelle…that is not my English name…
(I made it to the school my class was at with only getting lost twice…except the first time I decided I didn’t like the road I was supposed to turn on, which was kind of a problem since it was the road the parking garage I was supposed to use was on…and the next time I discovered that knowing how to read a map was a skill I really need to learn, but eventually I got where I was going and that is why I gave myself an hour to get like 5 miles…so I was a bit stressed out but with God’s help little guys can do big things too!)