Styfaleare torga orpha torga filla Tordalaciastornafeare Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking

(Gibberish–Relient K)

I wish I could just keep learning more about pharmacology since that stuff actually seemed pretty useful to real life…but alas that class is only for fourth year so I have to continue the therapeutics sequence which is basically in my opinion gibberish and not overly useful…here is my solely-therapeutics weekend in pictures (and words)…(this is the first time I have ever neglected so much for one test…IDK if it was worth it…

It is like there is a magical aura that causes me to remember all the answers to the things I know immediately after hitting finish and submit on the exam…BJ2FL told me second year that the name for that aura is test anxiety…but whatever it is, I don’t like it…I felt like the exam, while it did test over the material, didn’t really test the most important things or even the things that were most relevant…but the biggest problem is that I kept getting yelled at for the first 30 minutes that I should be working on my exam (the intent was probably and not doodling a picture in the margin of my paper)…which would have been great if their stupid exam would even load on my computer, but every time I tried to open it either the whole thing would crash or it would just not open…and then I finally had a test to work on except that it was missing every other page…which I realized as I copied my answers onto the answer form and realized that some of those answers made no sense and had to try again…

Overall, not so hot…especially how I hit submit on each section and immediately went “oh no” because as soon as I hit submit the little neurons in my brain start going oh yeah!! I totally actually know this stuff! I wish they would do that BEFORE I hit submit though…

I definitely eat my stress…I can’t even count how many breakfasts I had and then how many pre-lunch snacks I needed on Sunday…and apparently on Saturday I packed my candy twice…and it was still all gone long before the end of the day…this girl who can definitely put away the food to rival any teenage boy craves even more than that when especially stressed…

…and if you couldn’t tell by the volume of food I’d eaten that I was kinda stressed out…I also took my headphones apart beyond the point that they could be put back together…they still work though so I guess there are a lot of unnecessary parts of the headphones…and the side that is taken apart is more comfortable so umm destructive stress win?

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“Here’s the key to my front door, got a pillow if you lost yours you got a seat at my table you’ve got a home” (Christa Wells). Yeah, this might not be the greatest home ever, but it is still my home for a while and I am learning to live with it…

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From a distance it looks like I got myself together…until you see the haphazardly scribbled notes mixed with to do lists strewn across the table and my lap…yeah…the girl at the table looks like she knows what she’s doing (except when she’s chewing on a freezee wrapper) but she is so not in control…she’s the one who wore flip flops in the snow last year because they were closest to the door and it hadn’t been snowing earlier…

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This made me smile…Mutants attacking the city…I might not have been able to look up where I was even supposed to be going, but I am so very thankful for ppl who are very understanding. Not a lot of people would be happy to have me going back and forth between fully listening and half-listening while half-studying…most people would kinda be annoyed by that and even call me out on it…but not everyone, and that makes a huge difference.

Y’all, smiles are so important. Taking a semi-break to go to a meeting seemed like a big huge obstacle, but while it did take study time away, it was SO energizing to take a break to have fun and talk a little with friends…I was so dead mentally, but it was still so good…and I was smart enough to realize that while I added an item to my to do list, that to do list is so messy at the moment that I was never going to be able to find it again if I didn’t send the email right then and there…so I did…thank God for JO who helped me last spring when the password to the wifi changed and I couldn’t figure out to type it correctly because I don’t actually always know the names of all the symbols on the keyboard…

Reminders of the old church at home still make me feel sad on the inside and reminiscent about what could have been, but they are no longer painful. The are no longer as lemon juice spilled into an open wound. I can be reminded of the “ushering to the glory of God” information sheet on the back of my spring break to do list from years ago (IDK which year it was, but I do know it was the year that I started more consistently getting extreme nausea before and during my periods because I really thought I had mild stomach flu all of spring break which was rather unfortunate because it meant that I kept turning down hanging out with my best friend, and especially since I only get to see her a couple times a year, I really relish any time I can spend together…even though back then as much as I loved hanging with her it was as exhausting as it was exhilarating, because she was one of the few people who could get me to talk on occasion (although even with her it was at most one or two word answers given after a lot of prompting and patience most of the time)…but anyway, I kind of missed my year of ushering before I got pulled away (cry face), but it didn’t completely pull me away from what was in front of me…and in fact, it was a sweet memory, and then I moved on. I know I’ve probably talked about this a lot, but it is still so good to me that I have been able to reach this point. For so many years I was walking on eggshells around that point knowing that any minor trigger could easily take me down hard. It was so hard and had been hard for so long that I wasn’t so sure I would ever be able to move on, but now I have. Now I can have a reminder and smile instead of cry.

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What is missing: this dummy forgot dinner or even candy…’cause it made total sense when I checked my email to just pack up what was with me and leave instead of going ALL the way back to my apartment to pack like a normal person…luckily I have a very kind friend who bought me some pasta which held me over until I got home and rewarded myself with a fruit cup…I LOVE fruit, but fruit is usually one of the more expensive food groups so I try to limit how much I eat…and I’d already had past the usual limits…but desperate times call for desperate means and I wanted the fruit cup so I ate the fruit cup…see paragraph about how I eat stress…it is very effective…I measured my heart rate at 142 around 12ish on Sunday (normal is 60-100), so yeah, there was just a little stress going on…also, I wasn’t going to share this picture because it shows that there is a new color on the inside of my car (hello soft black and gray seats and goodbye to the all gray seats…) but then my cover was blown just a little bit because I am the kind of person who overrides the volume limit on my phone because I just can’t hear it, so especially if I am listening to music LOUD and screaming in excitement about a puppy, it draws a small bit of attention to the inside of my car (or at least to the girl inside the car…but yeah…) I decided I don’t care. A while back my brother had a new year’s resolution for people to be less bored when he was talking about robotics. Note that it wasn’t that he would be less boring, because he thought robotics was super interesting, rather it was that other people would be less bored. Similarly, I decided this week that I wasn’t going to be bothered by other people. It is not that other people won’t bother me, just that I won’t care what they do to me. Want to call me names? Do it! Want to cut off my right foot? I dare you! Want to fail me for no reason whatsoever? Go for it! I probably will feel differently about this in about 5 minutes, but for now I am totally like hey I won’t let your hurtful actions hurt me, because someday I am going to be in heaven and it won’t even matter, and you’ll be the one having to watch all your actions replayed.

I am very lucky that I know what “secret place” translates to and have the wherewithal to intervene gently before I either say something dumb or cry…yep, I am the one who messes up good plans and makes things complicated because of issues…

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Look…the simple joy of a brand new cup and a ridiculous amount of chocolate in my oatmeal…(yeah…I do re-use the same cup for upwards of a week…it saves having to wash bowls all the time after the oatmeal has hardened all day and can just be thrown out when it gets disgustingly sticky or falls apart)…

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This is my “how can I possibly have studied so many hours and still know almost nothing” face…it looks very similar to my “I decided to read one page of the HSM book so I could say I had started the project that was coming due soon but the thrill that the book was written close to my comprehension level made me decide to get through the entire first chapter and thus I was up late” face…because they are kinda the same today…

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