I believe in Hope believe if I let go I’ll Float


Dear APA: A mildly serious letter that I do not intend to send

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you deeply for your letter inviting me to join your organization for the only $99 until the end of 2016 if I act now! I really appreciate the laugh it let me have. Before we get into that, let me tell you a bit about myself.

That morning I had taken my Clinical Epidemiology midterm…well, actually not only did I take it, but I took it twice. See, I was 99.9% done when lockdown browser ceased to function. What is lockdown browser you ask? A program that seems to have no purpose beyond making internet based exams a nightmare for everyone involved…but this is not the time and place to get into all the reasons why I and everyone else except some teachers who have a strange love affair with it hates lockdown browser. So when the computer came back to life the exam was blank again and I got to start completely over, thus missing lunch time…and ending a lot of answers in: there was probably something about this in the supplement materials but I don’t wanna touch anything not vitally important to completing this exam because I am NOT starting over one more time.

You want to know what I did in my next class? I unashamedly went up to someone who definitely had piles of chips and was eating burritos and asked if she had any extra food that I could share. I am very blessed that she offered me half a burrito. Which then led to the teacher two minutes later informing the class that we were about to get started so it was time to find a chair, which I have to think may have had something to do with the fact that I was sitting on the floor eating the pieces of rice that had fallen off the burrito…the teacher can’t have been mad though because she let me pick what candy I wanted first.

Then I went to the amazing place that I volunteer. I love it there. Everyone is so happy to see me and I’m happy to see them too. Being wanted is really awesome. I don’t even care that I was too distracted to get any homework done…I figure I was still productive. I made 50 copies of SOAP notes, washed dried and put away lots of dishes, and took out the trash and replaced the bag. Taking out the trash always makes me laugh because I am remembering a few years ago when I somehow managed to get someone there to believe that I didn’t know how to take out the trash…yeah, ’cause that is really realistic that a 21-year-old wouldn’t have learned that yet…

I then went to the car place…again…because my tire pressure monitor light was still on…they were reasonable people and attempted to fix it…they admitted that they put the wrong amount of air in the tire when they installed it the first time…but their solution to the light was to bring it to the Honda dealer because they can’t turn it off…Umm, the whole reason I went to y’all in the first place was that I had no idea how to get to a dealership…Luckily, after reading the manual I discovered that they were wrong…there are actually directions in the manual on turning off the light as long as you are pretty sure the tires are actually properly inflated,

So anyway, after Cru where I got to see a whole bunch of people I hadn’t seen a long time, I went home and got your lovely letter. What a great way to end a hilarious day. I really like the little pamphlet on why I should totally join. I understand that networking is really awesome and that it feels good to be a part of something bigger than myself, but I already have the involvement with Cru and FCA, and as for networking, you had no way of knowing this, but I am a girl who really thinks each semester if she really wants to pay to join professional pharmacy organizations. That means that I have very little interest in joining your organization which related much less to pharmacy.

One more thing…you might want to think about the utility of your advertising methods. There was so much stuff in that envelope that I bet you are spending quite a bit to mail them out. Why would you spend all that money on people who don’t even qualify for your organization? The small print informs me that I must have at least a master’s degree in order to be accepted as a member. My highest degree is a high school diploma. The highest degree I will have by the end of 2016 is…drumroll please…a high school diploma. Even if I sent back my application in your prepaid postage envelope, you wouldn’t be able to accept my money unless your membership requirements are actually just for funsies.

Tell you what…if you ask me again when I have an actual degree and a stable income I might consider joining…then I’ll probably be like nope, still not worth it and throw your letter in the roundfile where it belongs.


Wiggle Worm


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