You can be pretty but it’s just pity if you don’t get down to the nitty gritty

(Style Where it Counts—Little Dogs on the Prairie)

Saturday I learned why I usually read the labels of products I am unfamiliar with before deciding to drink them…the picture on the bottle looked child-like and it said natural flavors on the front despite the second ingredient being high fructose corn syrup so I just assumed that it would be caffeine free…and I assumed wrong which I discovered twenty five minutes later…and upon closer inspection, caffeine is listed on the label in tiny print at the bottom…I’ve heard that caffeine is good for concentration…but so is not feeling sick…Luckily it was enough caffeine to make me not feel great for a couple hours but not so much to make me regret it enough to not finish the rest of it.

As I was going through the random compilation of thoughts on my computer, I discovered why one particular teacher never answered my question…Teachers are more likely to respond if you actually remember to hit send on an email to them…good reminder to give grace to the ones who don’t respond when I do remember to hit send.

Resilience is spiraling down like a tornado one day and then waking up in the morning refreshed and ready to start a new day…and this is why I leave some emails unsent at the end of the day…if it isn’t excessively urgent it is often better to wait and have time to re-read it later before sending…even if I am not upset, reading it at a different time after some space from the initial writing can help to make sure I am communicating what I intended to communicate. It isn’t procrastination so much as it is trying to be respectful and responsible.

You know you’ve had a hard day when you fall asleep on top of your homework over an hour before bedtime because you are so drained…I wasn’t at all physically tired Wednesday. I’d gotten enough sleep and hadn’t exerted myself or anything…and I hadn’t even been nearly as focused as I should have been studying…but emotionally I was drained…two full size bags of skittles and a bag of peanut M&Ms brought me back to functioning status (Jesus’ love covers a multitude of sins, and a bag of candy covers a multitude of problems), but I was so drained that doing homework was something I was trying really hard to do, but not really succeeding at…and then my body proved to me that emotional energy really is a real thing by causing me to fall asleep on top of my notes somewhere around maybe 7:30pm…I was kind of frustrated with myself, but I guess I do know that if I was able to fall asleep that early that I clearly needed it to refresh my brain…when all the tabs get stuck open or stuck closed on my computer a forced restart by pulling out the batteries usually fixes it, and I guess the same thing works on my brain (except with falling asleep rather than yanking my brain completely out of my head…that would hurt…

You know you are stressed out when your joy about your favorite parking spot by the big tree that is outside the church on the corner being totally available and easy to access is replaced by self-demeaning remarks about how it is dumb that you have a favorite parking spot and even if you were going to have a favorite that is pretty much the dumbest spot you could like. Then I yelled at myself because I sounded like a certain person I never ever want to be like and I said “where did you learn to talk like that.” Which was bad, because of course I learned it from that person. I thought about washing my mouth out with soap, but that sounded like an unsafe idea and then I was a safe enough distance away from the situation to laugh at myself…and then I almost walked into the wall because I was busy looking at the empty space where there used to be a garbage can but it appears to have been removed probably because people had trouble distinguishing what was appropriate to throw there (junk mail, empty candy wrappers) and what wasn’t (Poop, full bags of trash from your apartment)…and people also seemed to have difficulty locating the trash can or were lacking the visuospatial skills to recognize when it was full to stop putting trash in it…some people also haven’t figured out that the floor where the garbage can used to be also isn’t an appropriate location for their garbage…like “assistant coach George” says in the musical “Truth Works,” “Please discard your unwanted food service items in the appropriate receptacle. Trash! Refuse! Debris! Throw away your trash!”

On Thursday night, the new building at school smelled really strongly of alcohol…YUCK! My mom says not to whine about that because when she was my age the whole building would have smelled perpetually like smoke, but I was so not above putting my hands over my mouth and nose to filter out some of the smell. Do I recognize that is childish and disrespectful, yes, but would I have removed my hands if I saw the people drinking alcohol, probably not…I didn’t remove them when I saw the cleaning people. In my opinion, if you are being disrespectful by drinking so much alcohol that the entirety of the first two floors smells strongly of alcohol then you are probably too inebriated to even notice if I am being disrespectful anyway, so I am going to continue to protect my breathing air. In the process of trying to escape from the smell though, I found a part of the new building that I actually like! There is a guillotine paper cutter (and a hole in the table so you don’t even have to carry your own trash) AND you don’t even have to provide your own paper to play with AND there is hand sanitizer if you need it which seems to be the only place in the new building with hand sani which is super nice when you are carrying a lot of stuff and don’t want to set it all down to wash your hands in the bathroom and while guillotine paper cutters aren’t as good at making straight cuts or making the cuts at 90 degree angles, they are a LOT of fun!! Especially since this one doesn’t even seem to have a safety mechanism on it…I might hate most of the new building, but I don’t hate the whole thing anymore…we still need microwaves and kitchenettes over there…

On Friday someone whined on facebook that they thought more people should come to the event. Sorry, not sorry that you didn’t get the turn out you wanted (insert fake pouty face…poor baby). If you wanted people to come then it is kind of your fault for planning an event the weekday before a therapeutics exam…Free food is not worth that much of my time for an event that will require me to sit still and listen to more people talk at me…An active social event I may have considered, but even that is sketchy if I would have sacrificed good study hours for. I did play bingo but mostly because I was half studying the whole time and I was going to watch part of a movie during the time I usually would be getting almost nothing one anyway, but then I didn’t watch the movie because I dreamed that someone I don’t like would sit next to me and listen in on my conversations the whole time and that was a scary thought so I opted out of the movie…which was probably a good choice, because pizza is better than popcorn any day and I certainly didn’t have time to do both.

You know what maybe should be scary but instead is just another frustrating day in the life? Waking up in the morning and realizing there is blood all over your fitted sheet yet after searching your body for possible bleed sites coming up dry except for a similarly shaped bloodspot on your pajama shirt except the one on the pajama shirt is very clearly old blood…meh…even cuts I can’t find will heal…My initial thought was AWESOME! I slept through a nosebleed!…but then I quickly reasoned that there was not nearly enough blood to be a nosebleed nor was there any evidence of blood on my face…

I really like going to church most of the time. I loved this weeks sermon. (The weird drawing at the bottom is supposed to be those wooden number and letter blocks except I only brought in my red and black pens and also I am not a good artist…). I almost didn’t go because I forgot my bag of clothes and guess who was going to stand out in an almost neon tie-dye T-shirt, but I am so glad I didn’t…they even put a girl on stage! She was awesome!

20151017_184855

I learned a long time ago that guilt is from God and shame is from Satan, and guilt says I made a mistake while shame says I am a mistake and am not worthy of love, but I heard something new about shame a few days ago. Shame breeds in silence and secrecy…and this would be why I think silence is pretty much never the right answer…but my opinion is wrong.

Sunday I ventured out of my apartment. I don’t often see much of where I live in the daylight, but it is so beautiful. I love my neighborhood.…I would end up at school though with people wanting to take pictures with me the one day in like ever that I decide I can totally get my hair into a ponytail without showering and just throw on a shirt and a pair of shorts that should probably never really be worn as anything except pajamas…luckily I am not one of those girls who really cares what she looks like…

I didn’t mean to watch cry videos the morning before my exam…but there was a scary mommy story about what it feels like to have a bullied child, which led to me reading another post with a picture of an adorable girl crying…which reminded me of the video I pinned on pinterest about indirect bullying which makes the very real point that physical bullying hurts, and verbal bullying hurts, but the indirect bullying of just being excluded hurts worst of all. It is often under the radar, but it is very real…The people I wanted to play trivia with didn’t come. I had fun playing by myself, and was even winning, but it was lonely playing all alone. It would have been easy for someone to let me sit with them, and I would have been a valuable addition to someone’s team, but no one wanted me…and sometimes I just feel so defeated that I don’t ask because the subtle rejection seems better than publicizing overt rejection.

Sometimes I am really spiteful towards myself…I was whining at myself that none of my pens were the shade of black I wanted to write with and I was driving myself crazy with it because who even cares what the notes I am going to throw away later look like?! So I found my black flare pen marker and started writing in marker…Yep, it’s the right shade…it just is hard to write in marker and it kinda smells…the only reason I have black and red flares though is that they were required school supplies throughout K12, so I guess I might as well use them up…I sure showed myself…

I was watching a video recently and it said how some people do really well doing the first 80% of a task and then struggle really hard to do the last 20% and it doesn’t mean they are lazy or irresponsible, it is just how they are…which is good, because I realized I am kind of one of those people…except it is more the first 5% and the last 15% that I struggle with…When I know literally nothing it is overwhelming and hard to get started because there is just so much to know, but once I get started I really get going and work really hard…then when I almost know it but not quite it is like pulling teeth to keep me focused on continuing to learn the rest of the material…I don’t wanna…and then I get to the test and sometimes I’m like yeah, that is that last little bit that I am not so sure on…but other times it is like I know this section of my notes word for word and even know exactly where the smudge on the page is and these answer choices definitely do not reflect what I learned would be the correct answer…frustrating…but I survived…

Advertisements

Care to share your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s