They are inside your head

(Not over yet—For King and Country)

Inside my head isn’t a great place to be sometimes…there is way too much chaos and stupidity in there…

You know you’re not a “normal college student” when you look in your fridge and are super proud of yourself for looking like a normal college student because you have to look through the empty pizza box to find the box with the slice of pizza you want in it…also, the business office is going to think I have a weird addiction to pizza, because I have three pizza receipts to turn in once I get all my forms signed…what is really awesome though is that for each event I ordered pizza for I got a piece to take home for another day…

Although I recognize that writing is important and that communication is important, I wish I had never learned when I was in high school to write people letters after having “conversations” with them, because I feel like even though people tend to respond really well to it that it isn’t the greatest way to communicate since it means a lot of things that would be more easily discussed face to face will end up being discussed over facebook or email or not at all. I am trying to break the habit, but so far that has mostly meant that I just don’t communicate what I am thinking very well at all which just isn’t a great solution…I understand that writing had a definite important role. When I could barely speak or even give a yes or no in conversation, my writing gave me a voice. Also, I am a processor so a lot of times I really struggle to articulate the squiggles in my brain until I have had some time to process the information…which means that no matter how hard I try, I will probably never get rid of the feeling that I have more to say after a conversation ends…but now that I do actually contribute in conversation, I don’t want to rely on written communication anymore. I want my voice to be heard audibly…and TBH, sometimes I feel like I am wasting people’s time because they already talked to me and now they have to read what I wrote…I know that is super dumb since I mostly only write in that way to the people who are closest to me, which means they most of the time are legitimately happy to see what I am writing, but it is what it is…So I suppose this mostly comes down to a problem of that I have decided that I don’t like who I am and would prefer to be someone else. I don’t like being a processor. I want to be like my friend who is very verbally gifted and can just say whatever she is thinking (except when she gets distracted in the middle and totally loses the train of thought…but I do that too).

Sometimes I wish I could go back to second year, or even to third year…life wasn’t perfect then, but at least most of the problems were a lot more visible and thus a lot less frustrating to cope with. I mean, maybe the anxiety about ordering food is lost, but it is pretty obvious when girl has someone with her to talk for her and in groups no communication is exchanged when she is intentionally skipped in going around the circle to comment on things that girl has some kind of communication problem. Maybe the inability to think about anything but the germs in the air is lost, but it is pretty obvious when girl’s hands are bright red and bleeding to the wrists and when girl must sanitize the bag her lunch is in prior to consumption that girl has a problem likely with germs. Maybe the fact that this girl is planning on walking as fast as she can the 8 miles to her apartment because she is having trouble finding any other options is lost, but it is pretty obvious that there is some sort of problem when a young girl is walking around with a bicycle around 5:45am, or when that girl is frantically trying to make phone calls and describe where she is in hopes of someone rescuing her…and maybe the girl was too afraid and too naïve to communicate the problem and you won’t see the people talking about her as if she was some storybook character, but the girl trying to hide her tears and disillusionment clearly had something going on, ’cause during 2nd year finals people don’t just hear their email alert, look down, look terrified, and leave for a bike ride without a water bottle (P.S. ProTip: If you are doing something you shouldn’t be, you probably shouldn’t include the person you are violating in on your email even if she isn’t a tattletale…not saying, just saying)

I don’t wanna write two protected posts in a row, so I am going to leave out all the background details, but today I was thinking that it is pretty fitting that I call a certain place the “Princess Library.” It was where I was trying to go when I got a flat tire on my bike at the end of third year…and I am fairly certain it is actually a library, but I also think it has nothing to do with princesses. See the first time someone said the name of the library, I pictured it as a child sitting on the shoulder of a fairy princess, and despite learning that with the actual spelling of the name it really isn’t at all related to princesses or small children, the name “Princess Library” stuck. I can’t ever ever ever try to go back (or rather I suppose I could but the fear inside my brain says even if I had time that trying to go back could lead to too many scary unknowns with negative consequences…I’m not scared of another flat tire so much as the more person related possibilities…Also, the princess library is now associated with a person who inside my head has a nickname that involves princess…also, the reason I was thinking about this has to do with the fact that apparently the girl who sets out just before 5am to bike a totally unknown area of a city everyone tells her is like totally dangerous especially alone and especially when it is not yet broad daylight, would never when in need of some stupid specialized location ever go further than the very short distance between her apartment and school or MAYBE just maybe her friend’s house for community group…yeah…’cause that totally makes all the sense in the world…and I’m going to end this here, because I do not want to identify any specific people nor do I want to say anything negative that anyone might take offense at…once a people-pleaser, always a people-pleaser…there are a lot of things that people do that are frustrating, like the fact that my school apparently wastes money on someone whose whole job is just to play on social media looking for people posting things they think are offensive like getting people in trouble for posing with dead animals and posting it to facebook…what a stupid and pointless job. Perhaps instead of paying someone for that you could buy microwaves for the stupid new building. Or how about the people who are paid to make sure the rows of desks are straight…guess what! As soon as students enter this room, we aren’t going to leave the desks 100% in straight rows. With the money you save there you could stop nickle and diming us for our required yearly background check and the like…or just stop requiring that since you already admitted that regardless of what you find that you don’t do anything with the information…Oh wait…I wasn’t going to say anything negative…whatevs…too late…

Wanna know what I learned yesterday while playing an icebreaker game designed to build empathy and to teach about how it feels to have people believe in you? Mostly that I probably shouldn’t have included an infant in the deck of role play cards, because initially I got that card and wasn’t interested in playing anymore because how can you argue against the baby?! The other thing I learned is that when me, myself, and I are playing we mostly just learn that we are indecisive and passive…

…I have more to say, but it is now past time to hurry up and do some homework…and pretend I am totally working on my research paper that hasn’t been writing itself or researching itself…and the whole slew of other things that need to be written or otherwise accomplished…in addition to learning a ton of stuff for exams and quizzes…


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