(He will not let Go–Laura Story)
God is good
(Please note once again that writing is my processing avenue. Just ’cause I wrote once that this is how things are in the moment doesn’t mean that they are that way LT)
But when it rains, it pours…last night I went to an even that I had no business being at…actually, that is not true. As a leader of SDC I felt compelled to attend, and it was on a topic that I am passionate about spreading awareness of: abuse and victim blaming. I blame myself. I have forgiven, but not myself yet. I can’t. Yeah, I know all that Jesus forgives you blah blah blah, but grace is HARD and I don’t feel worthy of forgiveness sometimes. The blame and shame is too heavy to even lift enough to share…probably partly because shame breeds in silence so I have been growing it for a long time, and the longer it goes the harder it gets…but I can’t change the past, and the hurt is heavy.
Here is why I had no business at the event (aside from a peak at my grades): The pervasive sense of worthlessness, of accusation, of shame of fear were messages that were prominent and not a good thing for me to be around. I couldn’t take it anymore. My fingers hurt from the overwhelm of adrenaline racing through my capillaries. My heart was crying for the make believe people in the story. My mind began to drink in the messages of worthlessness and shame and began to be crushed by the accusations and the fear made me feel small and want to hide and I knew I better get myself outta there. I wanted to know what happened next, but I knew it was more important that I not let myself be surrounded by such hurtful messages than that I satisfy my curiosity…and I determined my duty as an SDC leader were fulfilled by showing up and the guy on stage said it was okay to leave early if we needed to so it wasn’t really that rude since I did it quietly and discretely.
…but there was another problem. So that college my friend was going to bring me to that was going to be my idyllic place to just get to be a real college student where people actually care about me and include me and let me know I belong…well, there was someone there who was from that school and in addition to saying it was fine if we left early, they also said that if we did leave early this person would follow us out to find out why and to process with us because they wanted this to be a discussion (and I suppose if you leave early you miss the discussion). The guy from that school didn’t follow me out or even get up when I left. That kicked it home for me that I truly was worthless and no one could ever care about me. I can run, but I can’t hide—even at a totally different school I won’t matter, and I never will.
After a pit stop at the bathroom to calm down before going home, because I know driving upset isn’t safe since I was in no place to make good judgment calls, I listened to “Nothing Bad Will Happen” on repeat and went to my car and then to home…and on the way home I saw an opossum and it was adorable and I thanked God for the pretty animals even though I didn’t have time to stop and pet it, and that snapped me back into a more realistic frame of mind. First of all, I intended to blame it on the fact that one of the people on stage had a horrible potty mouth, so it is kind of a good thing even though it hurt to not be approached, because deception and excuses isn’t my jive. Second, I was in the second to last row. There is a reasonable chance he didn’t even see me leave…and even if he did, just because one person didn’t talk to me, it doesn’t mean that I am not fearfully and wonderfully made. I do not know anyone else’s life experience. Perhaps he just got a text message from his wife that his child is in the emergency room and he is now hyper-focused on figuring out what is wrong and how long he’ll have to stay here. Maybe more superficially, the last time he talked to a girl with a red backpack she was a jerk and so he’d rather not talk to girls with red backpacks anymore. I can’t judge someone else’s actions on the basis of knowing that this person exists for twenty-five minutes.
Also, this is one person, and my understanding is that this is a bigger school so there are a LOT of other people there…even if it was something personally against me, that doesn’t mean that everyone at the entire school is going to be the same way. Even at my school there are some good people in addition to the not good people…and my God doesn’t make worthless beings. He makes masterpieces. And while some people (myself included sometimes…) might blame me for what I have faced and make me feel shame-filled, God sees that many of these things are realistically not my fault, and even when I have messed things up, he has forgiven me of any wrong-doings before I even asked and washed me whiter than snow, as if it hadn’t happened…I am his beloved child.
Side note: The seats in the new auditorium are EXTREMELY narrow. The fact that my pants are often too loose serves as evidence that I am not fat, but I felt like I didn’t have nearly enough space in those chairs…but at least there isn’t gum stuck on them…yet…unlike the chairs in the other classrooms…