I’m losing the strength to try

(5 minutes at a time—Superchick)

Sometimes 5 minutes at a time is too much…when your attention span seems to be closer to 5 seconds, 5 minutes can seem like an eternity…patience isn’t a virtue that I like to put into practice.

I feel frustrated. I have poured my heart, soul, and mind into school, and this semester it doesn’t seem that I have gotten any return on investment. I know a lot of people who are barely trying and getting the same or better grades than I am. To put it bluntly, I am a bit jealous. I could do a lot of things that feel a lot more productive with my time if I weren’t pouring it all into school. I would be thrilled to have more time to love on people, and to serve people, and to get more involved on campus or maybe to get a pharmacy job or you know, just anything more enjoyable than studying. I care too much to give up and try to live the life that other people are living not really studying and just winging everything…and considering how my grade are now, it couldn’t hurt much even though I am not going to let go and try it. I mean, there are some people who jut wing it and just happen to guess randomly and correctly and get A’s that way…I, on the other hand, tend to get things totally wrong if I am just guessing ’cause I don’t know…for that matter even when I do know I manage to get lots of questions wrong…

Why should I keep trying when I fail when I try AND I would likely fail when I don’t try. I know that at least for the useful information that I should try because learning it is more important than being able to read the teacher’s mind and get the right exam answers, but I am starting to get really frustrated with pouring my heart into these things just to get a lousy grade anyway. A lot of material I am supposed to be learning is stuff that isn’t things that I will need or want to know objectively in real life, and there are plenty of things I will want to know in real life that I won’t ever learn in school. While some of the stuff I won’t need to know is stuff that it is probably good to be exposed to like personality theories, being able to describe and define a laundry list of terms related to personality and personality types will have absolutely no role in practice as a pharmacist. Being aware that different people think differently and having an idea of what some of those differences might be is great, and well-roundedness is fine as long as it doesn’t make you a Jack of All Trades Master of None, but being able to label a person’s dominant trait and alternative trait isn’t going to be useful…

I am also frustrated because in real life I can take a sick day, but in school there are no sick days so my grades rate my performance without taking into account whether or not I believed I could function that day. Sure, if I went to work that day I would be doing lousy work, but in the real world there are sick days and if I am not feeling my best I can take a day off and on the days I do work I can provide excellent clinical work as a pharmacist (or whatever else I am doing, but I wanna do pediatric clinical pharmacy…). In the real world my performance will be rated on the days that I do feel like I can make good decisions and come in to work (unless I start missing excessive days). Even on the rare days when nothing I do is graded, you miss school, you miss out. Not going to lectures might not directly impact your grade, but missing the lecture is missing an important learning opportunity (and is just kind of disrespectful of the effort that your teachers put in to preparing a lecture). I have seen a lot of buzz recently about how our country has a broken education system and IDK what some of those people are whining about ’cause it’s a school, not an alternative to parenting…that article we read in high school about school-homing was a joke, not a reality…but I think the way we assign grades without consideration for sick days and the like and considering only superficial measures rather than actual obtained knowledge/skills our grades which are our version of performance reviews are not a very realistic reflection of what we can and can’t do.


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