Rather sink than swim

(Right beside you–Building 924)

I may have gotten close to zero studying done yesterday…unless you count emailing my partner to remind her to actually look at the visit checklist BEFORE we visited our patient this time…but as you may have noted if you saw yesterday’s post, that isn’t such a horrible thing considering the circumstances. There may have been more going on than the bag of mini oreos from the vending machine guy could have fixed.

I was not exactly happy at first to walk in to a project, but oh my, as I got into it, the repetitive task was super cathartic. I have mass-produced since at least pre-school (think the 20 identical pictures of ladybugs I came home with after 3rd grade art class one day–no real purpose, just creating the same thing over and over), and things like that put me in my happy place. I totally tune out the rest of the world and in this case my world becomes solely paper–>page protector–>paper–>page protector…spending a few hours creating binders was the best thing I could have been doing. I’m a little bit sore this morning from the repetitive motion, but it’s not a bad kind of sore, more of an I’m getting stronger kind of sore…

Maybe it is a mathematical impossibility for me to get A’s, and maybe that is really hard, but there are some other really good things in life. For almost the first time I had both the social skills and the opportunity to verbally process through some things, and I don’t think I ever realized just how much lighter the load is when it is shared out loud. Sure, texting gets the same point across, but texting and talking are SO not the same thing. I am not going to say much more than that, but I will say that hugs are valuable and SO healing. And the words of caring friends speak louder than the whisper in my ear that I am not nor will I ever be good enough, smart enough, strong enough. Y’all should be jealous, because I have the bestest friends in the whole world. I do hugs, not drugs…unless you consider glucose and MSG drugs, in which case I do both hugs and drugs…girl likes her drugs…that sounded really awkward…but yumm, skittles and yumm, peanut butter ramen…and There Are Gummi Worms In My Backpack Today. (although probably not for long…). I wish I could just bring my friends with me all the time. Actually, now that I think about it, that would be way more awesome than I even initially thought, because not only would I never be alone and always have kind words with me, but they could also help me when I can’t fold up my stuff like an airplane and fly it down the hallway. Actually, that would kind of be taking advantage of people…what I really need is both a friend to follow my around like a puppy AND a carrier pigeon…

I might be able to spout off to the girl I drive to church that grades aren’t really that important, and things will work out either way…but that doesn’t mean I really take those words to heart. I cling to them yet completely reject them…and at the end of the day, the grades do matter. I want a residency. I want a good residency. I want a good residency in pediatrics. I want a good residency in pediatrics in a specific state. Each of those statements requires my grades be just little bit higher than simply let’s pass all the classes with combination of C’s and D’s that doesn’t require remediation.

I have skipped Cru one time to protect my mental health…and last night I was going to do whatever it took to get there for the exact same reason…sometimes I need sleep, but other times I desperately need connection, and just because my need is not the same every night doesn’t mean that the need is any less valid. Unfortunately, it started pouring and I didn’t have an umbrella because it wasn’t raining when I left my apartment in the morning and didn’t even look like it was going to rain…and when I was almost home I realized that it was storming so hard that it could start hailing…which prompted a call to my mom to find out if I needed to drag my tired self back to school to protect my car…we decided it was fine to leave it outside and apparently after a deductible my insurance actually does cover hail damage…now I know why I am paying so much for insurance…that reminds me though of when I was really little…someone told me that hell lasts forever, and I informed them that wasn’t true, because we had some hail last night, and it stopped. Yeah, I always was really helpful…

Wanna know how you know it is time to clean out the backpack? When you can tell that my phone and my candy share a backpack pocket. I located my phone in my backpack last night and it was covered in little bits of chocolate presumably from the little bits that come off of hershey’s kisses because the wrapper doesn’t seal…P.S. if you were wondering, contacting me on a non-Sunday via phone isn’t overly reliable because my phone might be buried in the depths of my backpack and not be checked at all between 6 am and 8pm…on the flip side, on a Sunday the phone is the best way to find me, because while it may be left behind while I go internet, I try really hard not to spend much time internetting on Sundays…

I am strong and I will not be beaten. Even when it feels like I am about to roll down the mountain, I know I am still anchored on top of the world with my God who holds me safe and secure. Like the intro to the song lie down and sleep says, Peace is a safe calm feeling. God gives his children peace.

I’ll be right beside you isn’t a threat; it’s a promise.

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