Life has just begun

(Kings and Queens—Audio Adrenaline)

I’ve got a lot of living left to do…Some days I realize how naïve I still am…

I have no idea what to say to someone I barely know who just asked me why a girl likes him…which prompted him to ask me if I am always awkward…yeah…I think we’ll just go with yes on that one.

I told myself that someday I would find and buy shorts that were bulky enough to hold my pants up but also tight enough to not get bunchy underneath my pants…umm, yeah or I could go looking for pants that stay up on their own. Maybe someday I’ll be blessed with a store selling black pants with both an elastic waistband and pockets. That would be my mecca of pants…but not falling down would be a good start.

I thought I was really organized…then I took a look around me…and realized that most people would probably identify this as a hot college student mess…but LOOK, I found my pencil! (It was moderately lost which is what prompted me to realize that I was not as organized as I thought I was…

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I feel like I know myself, but then I was thinking about love languages and I realized I had no idea which was mine…I remember taking the quiz five times a while back and averaging the results and ending up with time, service, and words all ranking pretty much equally but not overly highly and gift and touch rating lower…but I thought it would be interesting to do it again now that the OCD and social anxiety are over and see if I can figure out what my love language really is. As I suspected, touch shot way up. See, it is hard for the questions to measure how much touch represents love for you when interaction with people is hard and some days you’d prefer to live in an impermeable bubble, so I expected my touch score to increase and wondered if my time score would decrease since now that I can talk, I don’t wanna feel silenced just sitting by someone. What I did not expect, however, is that I am now even further behind in figuring out what my love language might be…now everything except gifts is pretty much at a tie…but I also know that I do appreciate gifts…so yeah, I guess I still have a lot more to find out about myself…but I think the gifts being low makes sense, because while I do appreciate the gift itself, the thought and time that went into the gift and the words accompanying the gift are often more important to me than the gift itself…that makes me feel bad about myself though, because to me it is letting people down if the gift itself isn’t the central thing I am receiving…and of course there is always the awkward situation of happily unwrapping a CD only for my parents to see it still shrink-wrapped on my dresser a month later…there is very little music that I dislike, but if it doesn’t have words, then to me it is like nails on a chalkboard…and even if it does, it is so much more convenient to listen to digital music or even tapes than CDs…the concept of CDs and DVDs never really caught on with me. Why would I ever want to lose the ability to take the tape out, put it back in, and be in the exact same spot I ended at? Youtube fixes that problem as long as my computer doesn’t decide to shut itself down and as long as I don’t accidentally close the window…or have a quiz on stupid lockdown browser and have to close out of youtube to make lockdown browser work…

On that note, if I could find an online quiz somewhere, I’d also like to re-take the MBTI and strengthsfinder quizzes now that I have grown up significantly. The naviance “shampoo assessment” that gave us our MBTI type was a 10th grade activity, and strengthsfinder was an activity my first year of college…a lot has changed since then. I don’t really know for sure how much my MBTI has changed, but I do know that although I still think that my top 5 strengths define me pretty well, there are a few other strengths that I think may have been in hiding originally 2/2 the anxiety problem. I suppose it might also be interesting had the test not been taken down to re-take the MMPI and verify that my scores have improved since first year, because the primary categories I scored way out of range in were anxiety and social introversion, so I want to see where they are now.

There are actually a lot of things that I don’t know…like why do I have to have all this stupid formatting and stuff to show where I got my information from. It seems to me that it would be easier to just copy and paste the URL, because then you have a direct link to the information, which in my opinion, is a much more useful way to see the information. If I see a paper that has cited other papers and I want their information, it would be infinitely easier for me to just click on a url than to have to interpret their stupid citation to figure out where the information came from and how and/or if I can access it. In my opinion, this is really just a space saving trick left over from the time of print resources and typewriters that avoided constantly creating new lines to designate title, author, and edition number…I really want to do what I saw this morning and draw a picture of my head…’cause in reality with this paper, I decided what I wanted to say, then I found sources that agreed with me. It doesn’t exactly take a genius to figure out that NPH is way old and therefore way less expensive than insulin analogs but isn’t as good, but generics tend to greatly reduce price and therefore generic insulin analogs would be super helpful…also, this verbose girl had a really hard time editing her paper down to only 500 words…that sounds like a lot, but it is really just barely over half a page of 12pt font and standard margins. I feel like at this point my paper sounds like I forgot what I was writing about, but I couldn’t figure out how else to reduce it to 500 words…Also, as much as I hated the Wildcat Style Guide, it was at least a lot more descriptive and helpful than the one page reference guide my teachers want me to use for this…

I think my textbook no understand how percentiles work…I was under the impression that a percentile was a ranking and thus a maximum of 15% of people can be at or above the 85th percentile…and last time I checked, 1/3 was approximately 33%…which means that if you define the upper limit of normal weight at the 85th percentile then it is a mathematical impossibility to follow that up by saying that 1/3 of people are overweight or obese…not sayin’, just sayin’…and, umm, dear Micromedex, if the drug is only for post-menopausal women then why do you list a contraindication for patients who are pregnant or nursing? I was also under the impression that at menopause women could no longer become pregnant and therefore would not be breast feeding.

Someone asked me recently why I would ever go to church. My brain went—umm, well, because that is what I have always done every week, but before I could blurt that out, I realized that church is so much more than just a routine. Just a routine would have been given up a long time ago to make room for more studying and maybe a little free time. I go to church every week, because I have friends there. Like the place I volunteer, church is a place where I feel like I belong. Yeah, there was that one week when DYL was getting married that there was like no one at all at church and I felt lonely and disconnected, but the majority of the time, I go to church to love and be loved on, and to worship my creator. I don’t feel like I have much to give back, but I so appreciate everything that the people at church have given to me. Church is more than a safe place to run to escape the hurt places, church is a community of people who are willing to embrace me brokenness and all and let me just be…but I am a coward and I didn’t say all this to the person who asked. This person believes that it doesn’t count as having ever attended a party if you haven’t had alcohol, so this person has a wildly different worldview than mine seeing as how I have had fun at numerous parties without ever drinking alcohol, so my answer was simply “because I need my friends…and God.”

In some ways though, I am realizing recently that life hasn’t just begun…in fact, I have already lived quite a lot. Things that crushed me years ago are little more than memories. I can remember, reminisce, and put the memories back in their little mental boxes without being bent out of shape. The empty match box in my drawer from my old church at home is still very near and dear to my heart as a remnant to hold on to, but it isn’t with me constantly, out of sight but not out of mind, anymore. I still remember the pain of being torn away, but remembering and flashing back into the pain are totally completely different things. I didn’t use to know it was possible to remember without again being crushed, but now that is a situation that I remember without renewed hurt. God is good. He brought me through that trial, and will walk with me through the difficult things thrown my way now and in the years to come. There is no shelf-life for pain, but when God is good and ready he will take it away, because he loves me.

Last year I learned that when making popcorn on the stove one must put a lid on the pan if one does not want popcorn flying all over including behind the stove never to be seen again. This year I learned that while it is possible to make soap suds in the microwave, that it is not an overly useful nor advisable way to speed up washing dishes, because as soon as the microwave stops the bubbles go away, and also the water is deceptively hot and WILL hurt if you stick your hands in it…and I learned that using a measuring cup or something is a very good thing even if only for the fact that you don’t accidentally pour about a cup of oil in your macaroni…a little bit of oil is a good substitute for butter and milk…that much oil is just a mess. (I have not required hands on learning though to know that dark chocolate milk is probably not a good choice in macaroni…but it is a good choice in my mouth when it is on sale…it might be on the lower limit of the calorie count I will spend my money on for milk, but it makes me so happy it is worth it…the other flavor I really want to try however, caramel coconut, only has like 50ish calories…sounds like a waste of money to me if I can get twice the calories in dark chocolate milk…

I almost texted someone today to ask if they would still like me if I got Cs and a few Bs this semester…but then I thought of this, and not only does God’s love not follow a dose-response curve, I am fairly certain that while my friends would be sad with me the same way they would be excited with me if I miraculously got the (currently mathematically impossible) grades that I desire…the friends that I have right now are not fair weather only, dependent upon my good grades or lack thereof to determine whether I am worth friendship.

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