I’m sorry…am aware of what you mean

(I’m sorry–Flyleaf)

I think I need apologize about my last post…I don’t think I was very respectful about the person I was talking about. The negativity is definitely not something this person was implying at all…that is something I learned when it was spelled out much more clearly and definitively a couple years ago…hear every week for a year various variations on the theme of “you are a bad person and your thoughts are wrong” and eventually it sinks in and you have trouble seeing yourself any other way. I am finding my way out, but my brain is still wired to jump into what it thinks is coming next, because when those words were literally coming at me I learned to put myself down…I was constantly put down and so I imitated someone who should have been modeling appropriate self-communication and did it to myself too…and it made things easier sometimes because being put down doesn’t hurt as much when you are braced and when you don’t feel worthy of anything else anymore…and you also learn to stop standing up for yourself because it doesn’t get you anywhere except maybe inciting more anger in your direction…but that is off topic…

The person I was talking to did use my distractedness and laughing as examples, but he phrased it respectfully. His words were intended to be caring, but it was my past that made me turn it negative…Re-reading what I wrote, I wanted to clarify that, because I don’t want to characterize anyone in a negative light, particularly when they didn’t really do anything wrong besides being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The words hit me in a place I already felt a little insecure about myself which allowed my thoughts to drift towards negativity, but the other person implied no such negativity…and yes, I am still working on rejecting the lies and believing the truth. There’s been a lot of healing going on, but clearly I still have a long way to go…

…just wanted to clear that up…

…sorry I mess everything up…

…except handing out bulletins at church. I haven’t messed that up yet…although it is kind of an easy job…I could even do that job back in high school when it also required counting people and money…although the counting people thing I wasn’t so good at and tended to figure about X number of people per row and about Y rows equals Z people and subtract a few because there are fewer people in that row and add a few because some kids are sitting on the floor in front of their parents in that row…

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