Got that fire when they thought she’d fade away…some days she feels like cryin’ but she’s holding on surviving on the love that makes their little house a home

(Fighter–Jamie Grace)

Alternatively titled: I have opinions and one of them is that you probably don’t want to read all the way to the end of this post…

1128152014-00In my happy place…creating…umm, yeah, my happy place does double as the floor of my apartment in this picture…pretty much any flat surface, preferably a bed or a floor makes a good spot to create. Tables aren’t as comfortable…I make them work all day at school because that’s what normal people do, but I am so much more comfortable curled up on my bed or on the floor…speaking of comfortable…I was goofing around and tied my sweatshirt around my knees, and it made studying at the table at school so much more comfortable on Saturday that every time I had to untie it to get up I retied it as soon as I sat down again…the only problems were that it got really hot underneath the layers of sweatshirt, so if I could just find a giant rubber band, that would probably work better and that if I dropped something it was kind of a nuisance to untie myself, pick it up, and then retie myself…but yeah, I deserved some creation time…not because I worked so hard…’cause I didn’t. Actually, I am a bit frustrated with myself because I got less studying done since I got out of class early Tuesday afternoon than I usually get done after getting out of class on Friday…and I have SO MUCH to do…but I deserved creation time, because we had a little problem at church…

 

See, first I had like 20ish different people picked out inside my head that I might sit with at church, and also a list of people that I was going to talk with…sounds good, right? Well, except that I didn’t see any of those people there…which wouldn’t be a huge deal, especially because someone I am kinda getting to know came in late and asked to sit with me and I was able to say yes, and because someone else I know said hi to me…but that didn’t set me up for success, so when the pastor this week said something I didn’t agree with I started spiraling…slowly at first, but then deeper and deeper…

 

“Anxiety is what we experience when we are doing for ourselves, instead of doing for God. It is sin.” I am sure no harm was meant by that statement, but I need to very strongly disagree. I would have been less upset with the statement if he had substituted the word “worry” which is the word that the Bible actually used in the passage we were reading, but using the word anxiety got my attention a little too much in a bad way. No, anxiety is not necessarily doing for ourselves. Because sin entered the world, we do have illnesses like OCD, social anxiety, PTSD, GAD, panic disorder, and phobias…and we also have cancer, colds, influenza, diabetes, asthma, and ebola. If you wouldn’t tell someone with a cold that their sore throat is because that they aren’t doing enough for God, then you shouldn’t say it about someone with panic disorder. If you wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that they got it because they were doing too much for themselves then you shouldn’t say it about someone with GAD. If you wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes that experiencing hyperglycemia is a sin and insulin is just masking their sin then you shouldn’t say it about someone with social anxiety.

 

Church has mostly been a place where I felt that however I was that I was accepted unconditionally for who I am rather than being forced into a mold of who they’d really rather have me be, and that comment momentarily made me question my own theology until I realized that this person is wrong, and I don’t need to believe everything that other people say even if they are in a position of authority, because humans are fallible, and we all make mistakes…This statement was really wrong, because there is a subset of OCD called scrupulosity. People with scrupulosity have high anxiety, but they are also doing SO much for God…that is actually the problem. They are so afraid of not doing enough for God that their compulsions cause them to go completely overboard in terms of doing things for God…for example, I am pretty sure God doesn’t need you to be so focused on praying that you are multiple hours late for school because you were so focused praying that you physically could not get into the car to get to school, yet I have heard of this happening.

 

…however, thinking about anxiety and especially OCD a couple days after realizing the reality of my grade situation was definitely not good for me, and try as I might to ignore it, by the end of the service, OCD was undeniably paying me another visit. I could not wait for the service to end so I could escape to the lobby where there would be hand sanitizer…only there wasn’t hand sanitizer. A paper towel was a short term substitute, and I tried to wash the hand that felt contaminated in the sink, but the bathrooms weren’t made for one-handed use and my stuff definitely wasn’t allowed to be sat down anywhere, so that was only a moderately successful venture…so I left…as it turns out, there were a couple alcohol wipes in my lunchbox and by the time I wiped my hands and bible and pens with them I felt fine again, but when I got home I decided I deserved creation time…seemed like a lot more wise idea to eat an extra dinner and create than to try to study and potentially flip myself back into a problem…(food solves a lot of problems…)(especially world hunger, but also emotional problems).

 

Also, it is great that the OCD was gone in the morning because then my only guilt in staying in the shower until the water got cold was that I had just wasted over an hour that I could have been studying and not also feeling guilty that I was giving in or anything…if I had it to do again I would have taken Tylenol when I woke up at 3 in the morning before closing my eyes to keep resting and then I would have probably spilled less peanut butter and ramen in the process of making lunches/dinners and by taking something that I don’t have in a liquid or chewable form before that was all I could take I’d be able to double up on meds and would not be trying to use the shower for pain control and also not even really able to move very well…(yes…I still am trying to adjust to the stupid time change and not wake up at 3…chances are eventually I will just forget that waking up at 3 isn’t normal and be thrilled when the time changes again and I go back to waking up at 4…even though I’ll be busy whining about losing an hour…)

 

I am excited that it is almost break even though that means being faced both with finals and final grades, because I am craving stovetop stuffing, and you know it is something I really want when I am craving it at a time getting things in my mouth is hard…I mean yes, in theory I could buy some myself, but wandering aisles at the grocery store sounds extremely unfun…even just walking along the perimeter to get apples, peas, and milk (my standard grocery repertoire) isn’t exactly a task I would call in any way fun.

 

P.S. As I work towards packing for break and thinking forward towards the joy that will be taking my last final on a Friday in May, having the weekend to evacuate my entire apartment and then start my first day of my first rotation Monday morning in a completely different state, there are some things that I need to part with. If you want any of these things or know anyone who does let me know:

 

  1. FREE: Target puppy stuffed animal with a lab coat.

20151129_110140

I’m not really sure why I’ve held onto this puppy besides that it seems wasteful to throw him away. He doesn’t actually have good memories attached…he is actually kinda 20151129_110256a reminder of the event third year that they changed the dress code for an hour in advance…umm hello, no one is going to drive home and back on icy roads because you arbitrarily changed your mind. You’re lucky I planned on wearing my dress clothes all day that day and even had dress clothes to put on, so stop being picky about the fact that my shirt had no collar. Yeah, afterwards I got a very rude email informing me that a certain person was very displeased with me because I didn’t follow the dress code and because it was so rude that I had my backpack with me—umm, I’m sorry, but I don’t live on campus so I’m going to need somewhere to put my backpack, and it wasn’t like I placed it in anyone’s way…and if it is really true that it really bothered the people sitting at my table then they sure have a strange way of showing it. I was the first one there aside from your little clique, so when I came in I sat at a table on my own. The people who sat with me chose to do so and seemed pretty happy to sit there and had no negative comments about my backpack. There were plenty of empty tables they could have chosen, but they sat with me…let’s also remember that this email was sent to me the day after the email informing anyone who didn’t know yet that another student from my class had died…(yeah, the student who sent this was someone who for an unknown reason that I suspect may be related to the fact that I was two years below her and getting a better grade in a particular class than she was (probably because OMG I actually showed up to class once in a while…) decided that she didn’t like me…this wasn’t the first time she had whined at me about something ridiculous like that…I was devastated for a little while then I decided to be the bigger person)…not to mention all the other injustices that were occurring around that same time…

 

  1. FREE: Bubbles

20151129_110643 20151129_110752

I was dumping out my bubbles because I don’t need them anymore and the last two times I moved with bubbles I ended up with ruined items and a large amount of cleanup from bottles that exploded after getting a few too many things piled on top of them…but part way through I realized that someone might actually have a use for some bubbles and then I wouldn’t have to be so wasteful…I believe only the smile face bubbles are still sealed…the others were opened as part of the assembly line of dumping out the bubbles…

 

  1. FREE: Magnetic doodle pad

20151129_110539

So when I got this I didn’t really talk much and I had been reading about how for some people writing can be a really good bridge towards verbal communication, so I intended to try it out…as it turned out, I’ll never know if that would have worked, because this board didn’t really serve my needs…it doesn’t fit more than one or two words at a time, and a conversation one or two words at a time isn’t going to get much further than yes or no questions that can be answered without words anyway, so it never got to serve its purpose. I probably should have bought a mini white board, but I already had a bigger one at home that I wrecked with scrubbing bubbles (I wanted to make it extra clean like brand new because I got sticky stuff on it…) so I was hoping a different but still small device would work better for me…

 

  1. Bike

bike

It is a Trek brand men’s city/trekking bike from Penn Cycle. (Yes, I know I am not a boy, but I also don’t like pink which is sometimes limiting when picking from the girl’s bikes, and also as I discovered as I was picking a step-up bike this summer, my posture fits better with a men’s than a women’s bike anyway). I am more of a tell it like it is than sell it kind of person. It does have a lot of miles on it, and has been kept outside part of the year since the beginning of third year. It got a brand new front tire summer 2014 and has not been ridden a whole lot since then, but it is getting to be time to get a new chain. I forget what they are called, but it has the kind of gear shift with the clicky levers and has three gears on the left hand gear shift and 7 on the right. If I don’t find anyone in person who wants this one I am putting it on Craigslist. (This is not a free item…). (It is currently at school).

 

  1. Mattress

 

I won’t be able to fit much in the car to move home if the mattress has to come home. It is a Sertapedic twin size mattress that according to the packaging is “perfect for bunk beds” although I can’t validate that claim since I use it on a full size loft bed. It has been used whenever I am at school since third year. I am definitely not looking to get rid of this until April since I’d like to continue to sleep on it until then and as fun as sleepovers with myself sounds, I know that probably isn’t a good long term idea. This is also something that is not free…(yes, I know pretty much only college students buy used mattresses…but I know a LOT of college students seeing as I am one)…no picture here seeing as how that would require taking the sheets off my bed and I don’t wanna…

 

  1. Dresser
20151129_110929
The little hole is on the side where the magazine rack currently sits…

I have to check with my parents to make sure they don’t have any plans for my dresser, but in my opinion it takes space in the car and I don’t like it all that much. It does have a little hole at the bottom on one side, and has some scratches. It holds a ton of stuff and has a really great flat space on the top for books or whatever else, so it is super functional for a college student, but it isn’t really my style and I don’t see it being something that I’m going to want in my home or apartment when I move into a big-girl dwelling. What is my style? I don’t really know, but not this…

 

  1. Textbooks galore.

 

I am lousy at the whole selling old textbooks thing because I don’t like to bother people and I don’t like to ask for money. I have given a few away for free and I have successfully sold a few others, but I still have Micro and micro lab manual, abnormal psychology, the old biostats book that they probably don’t use anymore, the IPP book, the physiology book, Questions of Character (HSM), both volumes of Remington (ceutics), two copies of the auxiliary patho book (oops, ordering fail). Ansels Pharmaceutics, and Aulton’s pharmaceutics. I feel like I probably have more testbooks, but those are the ones I can see from my bed anyway…now I know why some people get a $450 book for $5 from a fifth year…I would rather keep most of my books or give them to someone I know really needs them (not someone like one of my friends who buys books off people then sells them to other people for a LOT more than she paid) than sell my books for $5, but I am tired of looking at them taking over my apartment…

 

NEXT THOUGHT:

So…umm…you know that musicals are kinda your thing when your favorite part of the Christmas story is when Joseph says “this is just swell” and Mary says “you wanna see something swell? Take a look at my ankles!” Yeah…pretty sure that part didn’t actually happen seeing as the play on words likely wouldn’t translate well into their language…and the rhyming of “Caesar Augustus the keeper of law and justice” and “a census is planned so all must go back where their family began” probably wasn’t in the original text either…(I’m not really sure what musical this is from…it might be The Plane Truth…I love that one so much even though I remember throwing up the night before I performed it and therefore being really hungry because I was afraid to eat any of the snacks all day…I was wearing a blue shirt that day…I think it is probably an early sign of my OCD that the first thing I think of when I think of that musical is throwing up…but anyway…”Why are the planes grounded mom? Did they miss the hay? No, Emily, it means the planes can’t fly because the weather is too bad. It also means we won’t make it to Nana’s in time for Christmas. This is just awful, a total disaster. Can’t we just rent a car and drive to Nana’s. I know! We can take the train. No apparently everything is snowed in. I’m afraid we’re stuck here until the weather breaks. Just try to have patience. Patience? I’d rather have presents than patience. Yeah, me too…You’ll make a bear-y good Joseph”…the musical did set me up with unrealistic expectations for what an airport is like though…May I see your ID please? Did you yourself pack all of these? Has any person strange or scary given you something to carry? Thank you next please!—which is probably a good thing because me and my brothers started responding to has any person strange or scary given you something to carry with “yeah, my mom gave me a barbie.” Growing up with brothers was good…and led to my parents corralling a loud group of kids through the airport yelling at each other to not say Hi to your friend Jack when we went on our first vacation out of the state…I wish I could be little again…although I have to say it is kind of nice to be grown up enough that getting new sheets doesn’t cause a meltdown because I liked the old sheets and I’m never going to like another set of sheets ever again and I like my blanket even though it has finger grips (just going to say that the new blanket was used less than a month before I had accidentally ripped finger grips into that one too ’cause I liked my covers really tight back then)…yeah, I’ve never done change well, and it took extra time to get new sheets on my bed because I refused to cooperate…which is why my bed at home has a skirt as a shut up and stop hating everything bribe that worked, but really as soon as it was purchased only made me feel guilty…but even I can now realize that the color and design of the sheets has nothing to do with their function in covering me while I sleep…)

 

…just going to say if you are going to want to make a change that I might not like you probably don’t want to spring it on me and you probably want to kinda mention it but wait to actually change it until I think it is my idea, which might be a slower process, but will make life easier for both of us at least in the short term when you don’t have to listen to me scream…I’m learning to accept the changes I can’t control, but it’s a slow process…I still would like to reactivate my old phone…change is harder to accept when it is thrown in my face when I am overtired…my parents probably should have known better seeing as how the last time they tried to surprise me when I came home exhausted it ended with a trip to Caribou $20 in my wallet and a promise to never again move my stuff while I am gone after around five hours of nonstop screaming (this was in high school…)…I am not a pleasant person to be around when I am tired and upset…but like a nurse commented when I was a teeny tiny baby, I’ve got a good set of lungs…and God wouldn’t have given them to me if he didn’t want me to use them 🙂 .

 

This wasn’t what I intended to write about and wasn’t such a good idea, because I was already feeling bad about myself because I can’t sit still and concentrate long enough to get anything done and I talk too much in pretty much every situation and get yelled at to shut up and this is just one more thing to add to the list of things I can’t do right…and reminded me of night two after the phone when the tears were no longer solely because I was never going to make a phone call or send a text ever again…I need help…or a hug and reassurance that I can still be loved regardless of my grades and my ability to keep my mouth shut…and I suppose my ability as a child to maturely express intense emotion. ‘Cause I know that is true, but I don’t know it on the inside sometimes…life is really hard alone…

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