If you were a balloon what color would you be?

(Balloon Song–Debra Lynn La Lima)

Yeah, the song is not at all related…but I couldn’t think of a title I liked for this post that goes fifty billion directions so I let spotify choose me a title…

It’s what I’ve started doing…study and be frustrated for my lack of focus while studying for therapeutics exam (in this case the final), go to study session, get yelled at to shut up (because I am a let’s get through this question and move on kind of person so I talk too much), feel frustrated (usually sulk inside my head comes next, but once in a while like last night I can just be mature and do my best to keep my mouth shut and ignore the comments that I am talking too much)…continue to study…however, in this case I shouldn’t have gone to the study session, because I really think if I hadn’t gone that with the way I was working through the material that I would have done better than I did after having gone to the study session…I totally did know the material until I got freaked out and forgot things…I am beginning to be ready to believe RAE that I might have test anxiety…so…umm…yeah, it isn’t normal to be so stressed out before exams that regardless of hydration/nutrition status the world feels like it is not just metaphorically but physically spinning and needing to use both hands to stabilize myself when standing up and stuff…also, yeah, no, this was a good reminder that I might have had some pretty bad flares this semester into OCD, but that same spinny feeling can happen when the OCD anxiety gets really bad—I guess I forgot about that because it had been so long since I’d felt that anxious, and it definitely never got this bad related to OCD this year…woulda shoulda coulda…it’s all over now and there is nothing I can do to change it…maybe this is God’s way of telling me that I was on to something with that social worker thing and this pediatric clinical pharmacy thing that has been my plan A since early elementary school isn’t really God’s plan A. I am still going to work hard and get my degree, because it would be really stupid to quit now with absolutely nothing to show for all the time I’ve been out of high school, and I can figure out whether to go back to school for social work or whether to continue to work as a pharmacist after I’ve finished actually becoming a pharmacist…and who is to say that I couldn’t do both? Or do something totally different…God has really funny ideas sometimes that completely don’t line up with what I think my plans are.

 

But I was super proud of myself last night because someone posted on facebook something that I strongly disagreed with and instead of posting a snarky comment in response to their snarky post, I was a big girl and just pretended I hadn’t seen it. Then I saw this person and he asked me a question and instead of the crabby response I wanted to give (umm, we have a final tomorrow so you can back off, and I was also just on virtual ems and you most definitely do not have this room reserved tonight unless you have changed your appearance greatly ’cause I know the people who do have this room reserved at any time this evening…and even if you were one of them, no one at all has the room reserved at this particular point in time) I was polite and friendly and helpful. I wasn’t going to touch anything ’cause I am not going to get in any way at all involved in that particular group of people…partly for my own safety and partly for an immature “so there” factor…, but I can be nice to people who aren’t. At the same time though I was ashamed of myself because I “liked” a post I saw on facebook about it being okay to cut-off your abuser that same day…so yeah, like post about it being okay to dissociate from people who don’t treat me right and then being kind anyway…yep, I don’t think I am capable of being mean or intentionally hurting anyone…which I suppose in most circumstances isn’t such a bad thing…

 

You know that perhaps bedtime should have come a bit earlier when you are laughing so hard you can’t sleep…see, there is this feral cat that has been living outside my apartment building. Some idiots built it a Rubbermaid home that the leasing office said they would remove but never did. It actually does usually respond to the word NO, so I have been getting a lot of practice with that word, which is good, because it is one that I don’t use often enough…but repeatedly saying the word NO as I walk up to my building makes me feel like quite the contrarian…which made me think about how when my brother was learning to read he would sit in the car saying no no no. At first my parents thought he was just being negative, but then they realized he was reading the signs along the road, but only could read that one word on the signs…

 

Thoughts in my head: I’m okay…at least until the last bag of emergency skittles from my car runs out. Then I’m not sure if I’ll be okay…but until then, I’m okay. (Yeah, sugar has a really powerful effect on helping me hold things together…which is why I really can’t do the whole intermittent fasting or even modified intermittent fasting that would require me to abstain from sugar completely during certain periods of the day. I’d rather have problems with distraction than go through life upset).

 

I just drew a cartoon. I am really proud of it, but I ain’t sharin’ it, ’cause cartoons in which the character representing me is saying hahahaha ain’t really internet appropriate.

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