Black and White Make a Mess When They Turn to Grey

(Alone—Hollyn)

 

So this morning when I woke up in the morning I decided I needed to lick the wall…to prove that everything was okay. Yeah, this whole finding balance thing isn’t going to get very far, because I tend to live in extremes. Can I just say that everything is probably not okay if you are licking the wall to prove that it is okay…because when things are truly going well you shouldn’t have to lick the wall to be sure they are going well. On the positive side, I did lick the wall, and it gave me a sense of relief that I was out of the woods…and when I finally got my lazy butt to school I had a long conversation with someone who was just as passionate as I am about something and we decided we will start a petition since it seems like no one is really listening to the complaints that we both hear from so many people, and putting it all in one place might be a way to draw in the attention we need to be heard.

 

So back to proving that everything was okay…I listened to multiple media sources on Sunday simultaneously, totally by accident, and I laughed, because it is other times quite intentional to be listening to multiple things. If my brain is on overload emotionally, music is calming…and this is something that really does abide by the principle that if some is good, more is better, because the louder it is, the better I feel, and if I can have the radio playing, and my computer playing music, and a phone or two playing music all at once (and maybe even more than one audio source from the computer) it feels even better…I try to avoid doing that, because I do want to not make myself go deaf, but occasionally, it is necessary…

 

…and I should have been doing more emotional prophylaxis, because Sundays are supposed to be my day at my apartment to recharge for the week, but there was this little problem called a mandatory meeting on a Sunday (insert pouty face here). I will give you my Saturday if I have to, but Sunday is supposed to be my day to myself. I think I should have learned last semester what happens when I give away my Sundays…hmm…let’s recap: giving up Sunday=predisposing factor, lack of sleep (currently 2/2 mild dehydration because I fail at life)=promoting factor, stress=trigger. This time the stress was meeting someone I hadn’t met before at the place I volunteer. People there are brought onto my safe list much more easily than outside sources, but it still takes at least a day to initiate them. Time to go couldn’t have come at a better time, because the flare started right about the time I walked out the door. Luckily, this time it was a LOT more mild than the flares I had last semester, but that didn’t make it any more fun. It is never a good day when you are facebook and blog researching the V word and trying not to touch things. It also definitely increased the difficulty in remaining level-headed despite realizing that I had goofed off a little too much and therefore had accomplished like one day’s worth of studying over the course of the past 4 days…I am behind, but I WILL be okay. I am a week into the semester, so there is definitely still time to catch up…I am overwhelmed, and rightfully so being 5 chapters and a video behind (And that’s just in one class), but God has a plan, and I have to believe that his plan is good…

 

He’s had a lot of good plans before, like not making the OCD peak at any time I would have to suffer through the airport. It likely wouldn’t be so bad now, but the airport is a nightmare for a socially anxious and primarily silent girl travelling alone, and that’s before we even think about the germs. I don’t think I will ever forget the day a week before spring break as a first year when one of my friends was almost intentionally late to class on my behalf because she intended to ask a quick question then go eat lunch and instead found me crying because the airport is already too hard and the previous night er(m)c told me to say hi to the other people there.

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