Is it so wrong to be who we are?

(Nice Naïve and Beautiful—Plumb)

I recently discovered this song, and I really like it. It is supposed to be about sexual abuse, but it is a sweet song and the lyrics can definitely apply more broadly…I find that a lot of material originally intended for sexual abuse has a more broad application than originally intended.

“She stands alone defending her name when all that she’s done is be who she is.”

When the other side claims friends first, all the sweet joy in the world might not be enough to pull people into my own circle. I am so thankful for the new friends that I have and the people who joined my team, but it is hard when it feels like all your friends have been pulled away…there have definitely been times that I have frustratedly asserted that if this is what was required to make new friends that I don’t want it. I actually had plenty of friends before. Other times though, I can see that having (and/or getting) to make new friends has opened new opportunities for me to help people—maybe it doesn’t feel quite as good, but there is definitely one person in particular I can think of who really needed support and this particular person I would have been very unlikely to have encountered if I hadn’t needed new friends…maybe someone else would have been there in my place, and obviously I am not perfect, but I try really hard…

“Well is it so wrong to be who we are when all she’s done is fail ’cause she’s so nice naïve and beautiful”

I kinda doubt beauty had anything to do with anything for me, but it seems clear to me that a lot of my problems stem from being too nice, too quick to forgive, and too naïve to realize that there was a problem before I was already sucked into the vortex. I hated myself for that, but couldn’t figure out how to turn off being nice and looking out for everyone else—even the “bad guys.” It took a while to realize that I can’t change who I am…and who I am is pretty awesome…yeah, I might get taken advantage of a little more often than I’d like because I hate standing up for myself and I really do want to make people happy so a SMALL amount of self-sacrifice feels really good until it becomes excessively repetitive or a lot more than a small amount, but that also makes me a value-added part of relationships and maybe it is worth it to be trampled in exchange for seeing other people happy…especially since I truly do find joy in seeing other people happy.

“Day after night she holds an ache and won’t budge to show this secret place well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt”

I am someone who even when pressed for an “honest” answer will tell you 97% of the time that I really am okay…or even good. I am learning that isn’t necessarily a cover-up or a lie, but just that my optimistic side has taken the reigns. Sure, I might have so much going on internally that I feel nearly incapacitated, but I also realize that if my heart is still pumping oxygenated blood then I could definitely have it a lot worse. I will certainly make it out on the other side even if anxiety peaks, even if I fail out of school, and even if I live in complete isolation. It might not be fun, but life is a gift and as un-fun as it might seem, I know I should value the gifts given to me…and life is a gift that I know is super awesome sometimes too if I can just hold on through the less than awesome parts. Okay fine, sometimes it is an intentional stretching of the truth because I can’t talk about it right then for whatever reason…but mostly it is really because my optimistic side says that I am totally fine.

“There’s a face behind every scar, but there’s a love overflowing with gladness. Get out of that place that’s restraining your love.”

As I learn things in the land of academia, I learn more about how things that felt like injustices to me were more than just inconveniences that I should have written off immediately…but being at school also lets me see the friends that remind me that I am more than a conqueror even on the days that I’d like to put down my armor…

Sometimes what doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger. It leaves a scar, or becomes a child to raise.

I am a blessed person, and this week is going to be so much better than last week. Life hurts, but God heals.

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