Things aren’t necessarily always what they appear to be

(You can’t judge a book by it’s cover—Thomas & Friends)
From the outside it looks like I’m organized and on top of things…
  1. I have color coordinated folders and notebooks paired up together in my backpack for each class.
  2. I have multiples of almost everything.
  3. Even the homework and reading that won’t be graded is completed on time 99.9% of the time.
  4. I have a bubbly personality and cannot sit still to save my life (well, okay, I can, but it means I will be bouncing off the walls close to literally later)…
But on the inside, things are falling apart.

It’s kind of like those memes that go “I look like I am confident and have things figured out, but deep down, on the inside, where no one sees…” and they end with something like “my socks don’t match” or “my underwear say the wrong day of the week.” At the end of the day the problems I face are marginal relative to battles I could be facing, but that doesn’t make them any less real. It all matters.

  1. Behind the mask of an organized backpack you don’t see the elementary school supply list telling you what color notebook and folder each subject should be that most people ignored but my parents followed, so you don’t see how through the end of high school my mom made sure everyone had folders with the corresponding color notebook even if that meant having piles of green notebooks everywhere because the six packs of notebooks came with a green but the store didn’t sell green folders that year. You don’t see that I learned how to be organized in that one aspect but haven’t really learned how to organize any further than that. Sure, I “re-organize” my apartment way more than it needs, but that really primarily means deciding everything should be taken out then put back in again and my freezer still is the storage zone for the plastic bags and the Kleenexes and toothpaste share space and I washed a bottle of febreeze last week because my idea of “sort” the laundry is closer to split the pile in half and pick up an armful and throw it in the wash…looking for that really important paper? Check under the pile of pieces of church bulletins…
  2. Behind the act of preparedness of the extras you don’t see that this started as having enough to share, but became a problem of not taking out the broken pens so of the 30 pens in my bag maybe 3 actually work…and when one eraser or set of headphones or calculator gets left behind somewhere I have another to replace it.
  3. Behind the cape of doing everything you don’t see the girl trying to outrun her fears. Everyone told me I can’t so I need to prove I can. You don’t see the girl terrified that after all this work everything else will end the way it seems things usually do: with her dreams being crushed. More than that, you don’t see the girl who forgot third year to do a quiz on time, got lucky and had the teacher re-open it because so many other people also forgot, and vowed it would never happen again…only as a fifth year to forget to turn in an assignment worth 5% of her grade in a class she was already working so hard to try to pull up. The syllabus says zero points for assignments that miss deadline. There went this girl’s chance of a decent grade unless TAMO (then a miracle occurred) and she got 99% on every single thing the rest of the semester…or somehow the teacher felt bad and accepted the assignment anyway…
  4. Behind the smile and energy the inability to sit still and shut up is definitely fueled in part by nervous energy at least SOME of the time…and the joy…well, it is genuine, but it co-exists with frustration and sadness…in asking why I want to go home with a charged computer when I know it probably won’t even leave my backpack, the answer I gave myself was “because on the off chance I decide to kill myself I want spellcheck for my suicide note so someone has half a chance at figuring out what I am trying to write. I want people to hear it from me first.” This is probably more about feeling like I face a lot of barriers in life and would be thrilled to no longer be the last one picked for the team really just at the whims of everyone else. I promise I am not suicidal, and besides, we all know I don’t make decisions so I am 99.999% sure I’d ask someone if I should before I tried anything stupid…so even if I was suicidal I’d be at super low chance of actually doing anything dumb…LOL…all that to say, I have much more than a tenuous hold on the serious side of life. I am very much aware that life isn’t all ponies and rainbows…speaking of life, I know I have shared this before, but we watched a horrible video that was trying to justify murder yesterday in one of my classes…so NOT okay. First, do no harm. It was never intended for us to decide when that last breath is breathed. I don’t have to agree with things other people say, but I always have the right to express my disagreement politely, and re-sharing this post is my way of politely saying that I don’t care who you are killing. Murder is wrong whether it is your enemy, yourself, or your patient.

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