She can hardly speak and so she screams

(Manic—Plumb)

LOL…you should see my page of half-written blog posts…actually, you shouldn’t, because like approximately every third paragraph is stuff I definitely shouldn’t post—at least not the way it is written right now…and the intervening paragraphs aren’t necessarily in order or go together in any way…

I have also really gone back and forth today about whether I should post this. I used to not care much who knew what was going on. I wanted to be the one controlling the flow of information, but when I had a venue for communication people would know way more than they probably cared to know, because I didn’t really have a filter, just an on-off switch. It made me very mad when people shared without my permission, but if it was my choice, people I barely knew would learn my life story via a facebook message…not exactly a good thing, but when you aren’t that good at verbal communication, nor are you good at friendship, you jump all in to relationships because you crave connection. I’m not saying it is something I should have been doing or even that I would do it again if I could have a re-do (though I might), but just that is the way it was. In contrast, now I still want to be in control, but I am much more cautious. I will test the waters and even the people I love and trust the most will probably not know the entire story. I can afford to go more slowly because I have the skills to make friends and do not have to rely on a smile to make or break my day.

So yeah…third year, I also learned shame. Apparently you are supposed to hide the places you need help, and you definitely shouldn’t let anyone know that you can’t reach some arbitrary goalpost intentionally placed way above your head after the game had already ended…

So I don’t know if I want to share this, because I am embarrassed…but I have been telling myself for years that if it is scary then I should probably throw myself into doing it…so although I’ve learned that sometimes fear is protective, I am going to run with this one…don’t laugh at me…

A basal level of anxiety has returned to my life. It is great that I no longer am entertaining myself licking things and that being a little slower to speak makes me a little less annoying to the people around me who would like me to shut my mouth once in a while, but anxiety isn’t so great. It isn’t excruciatingly mentally painful, but it is frustrating, because for so long I thought I was free, and then for a while it was predictable when a flare would occur but aside from a those rare few hours I was free.

I can pinpoint that the burst of extreme anxiety during a particular event almost a month ago precipitated this. I am frustrated that an act of one person can still have so much control over me. Over the course of a week I almost recovered, but a basal level of anxiety didn’t fade. I feel like I am losing control. Which, ironically, it what the fear was designed to provide but is simultaneously taking away. I want to regain control and freedom.

I have plans to fix this…and have through trial and error found some good and not so good solutions…but I am still taking things not day by day, not minute by minute, but second by second. I can handle the next second, and that is good enough for this second. I believe that God is with me, and I believe that he will help me re-conquer this. No matter what, I AM finishing this semester and I AM getting out of here for at least 10 weeks, and I AM graduating and getting outta here. (Sorry to my friends. I love y’all so so so much, and my heart explodes when I am away, but it is SO much better for me to be away, at home where I am safe(r)).

Okay fine…so I don’t really get to fully decide those things for myself…God has a funny way of changing even the best laid plans…and he usually knows what he is doing…for example, I was probably never going to be the most awesome-est usher ever even though I was very upset about giving that up, but I did excel at MediaSHOUT and various other related tasks, and with my nearly silent personality at the time, being special but at the back of the room was a lot better fit.

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