I’m sick of feeling like a failure. Is this the price for good behavior?

(Good Behavior–Plumb)

Sometimes my texts go off topic…and they are hilarious and then I delete them prior to sending because I am not stupid…Like a text that started out deciding if I was going to an event then wandered into if I died at least I’d die super happy and wouldn’t have to take any more tests or even go back to school, before ending in sort of back on track thinking about sleeping in my car overnight. Me and my car are friends, and I do know someone who used to keep a sleeping bag in her car for the sake of sleeping…but considering I am on my last ounce of water and have no sleeping supplies with me whatsoever or even any clothes besides the ones on my body, that is probably a dumb idea. I almost had a really awesome social experience planned for this evening…if someone could just get on creating a transport device that doesn’t require consciousness it would have been perfect! Instead I am googling random things trying to find adequate social connection online. An airplane almost crashed but didn’t in 2010 because the wing like practically exploded but the pilot pretended he was flying his beginner airplane. Falling asleep and/or sightseeing things behind me while driving forward, however, may not have such a wonderful outcome…and there is a definite limit to how long I can control myself to stay safe…and that limit would not allow me to drive 40 minutes at 9:30pm.

Spring break has been good though despite being a little bit separated from people. I kicked it off starting to wear my glasses again. That was a huge success that helped me break free of the tightening spiraling cycle in which I had been stuck. In February school got excessively difficult…which led to struggles in academia due to focus being elsewhere…which led to stress that made me more raw and vulnerable to school issues…which made grades get worse…I was feeling more and more trapped and wasn’t going to be able to hold on much longer. Things aren’t perfect now, but at least I do not have the very real, very in my face, reminder every day that things aren’t okay. It is better. (Yes, school and academics to me are different things…that confuses people…but once my brain decides on things if it isn’t hurting anything it probably isn’t worth changing).

I got to talk to one of my friends on Monday. It is so sweet any time I get friend time. This person is so wonderful. So sweet, so caring, and so positive. The positivity in particular is something I really admire because it is real, not artificial, dismissive, gooey, or condescending. It is easy to be dismissively positive and make the other person feel wrong and bad for having negative emotions about difficulties in life. It is easy to put on blinders and deny the pain that someone else experiences because of one positive thing they also experience. It is not easy to listen, really listen, and stay positive.

I have spent many hours cleaning…which isn’t fun, but gives me a chance to listen to audiobooks with full attention. So…I still adore The Healing Path (Dan B. Allender), I thought “What if your blessings come through raindrops” (Laura Story) was kinda dumb and disappointing since the song was so good. I also listened to Wounded Heart (Dan B. Allender) and it is like 10 hours and 13 minutes long, which I feel is a little excessive so it was on 1.5 speed to make it go a little faster. It is okay, but the beginning is a bit boring…it is written or people interested in sexual abuse and I’m not though, so that might explain why I wasn’t a fan of the beginning. The middle is really good though.

I have been realizing that online mental health related people feel safe to me despite the same types of people feeling scary and requiring assimilation in real life. I think the difference is that online the people are less real, and I can choose to turn them off whenever I would like. I came to this conclusion because someone was talking about a conference where Dan Allender from the books I was listening to would be talking. At first, the idea sounded awesome, and even putting aside the fact that conferences are very much not for me, a few minutes later, seeing the person in real life was scary proposition. Not going to happen. I think perhaps if I ever were in the right place at the right time a Kati Morton meet up might still be fun—because she is more of a friend than a mental health professional from my perspective, but others are still scary. I know that this fear of mental health professionals in not an adaptive protective mechanism, but for now it is where I am living.

Some really good points made in Wounded Heart:

~She assumed she must be wrong if anyone disagreed with her, despite how sure she was of her stance.

~Our abuse is lesser to Christ’s on the cross.

~We tend to have deep reluctance to say “I have been abused,” to admit that there was damage. It means we have to recognize the pain we have experienced.

~We often believe it is only abuse if it happens to someone else. We believe that it would have had to have been much worse to be abuse to us, or that we don’t deserve to feel bad about it, when if it had happened to anyone else we would recognize the horror the person had experienced.

Cleaning means realizing that I have no real need for 75 connect cards sorted by color and size. Considering I have maybe used two in the entire five years I’ve been at my church, and most weeks bring one home, I don’t think I really need to stockpile them…

Speaking of church, I have no idea how to go about finding a new one. At home, it was always just a matter of wherever my parents went, I too went. At school, everyone else goes to this church so I went too. I am going to South Dakota for a rotation next year. It isn’t in the area with which I am familiar, so I am looking for a church. I used google to search…I was hoping for a native church to visit while I was there, but everything I found seemed to be very much a white church…which isn’t bad, I mean, I am off-white with brown polka-dots, but just wasn’t what I was hoping for. I also have no idea what I was looking for…so when I found one that said it had “inspirational” worship and that you could bring your triple pump whipped cream drink that you could save your money getting a drink for free there probably with donuts, I decided that was the church for me. Music, community, and nursery are what I come to church for, and the way into my heart is often through my stomach, so this church won me on both accounts. (Although perhaps when I get there someone else will tell me about a church to which everyone else goes and I will too).

As much as I hate losing an hour with daylight givings, I have to admit that if I have to do daylight savings in the fall then daylight givings in the spring is good. Now I wake up in the morning and actually feel like I am fully alive. That doesn’t mean I actually get up, because facing the day sometimes still feels overwhelming, but before I gave up an hour, I woke up way too early but by the time the alarm went off I was almost half back to sleep again…they say that going to bed too tired makes you sleep less well, and I think it is true…the difficulty of staying up an extra hour every single night meant I was constantly mildly sleep deprived and therefore constantly not getting the sleep I needed…I don’t know how I never figured this out before now, but now that I have, it makes me hate all this stupid time change even more, because I know I am going to go through it all again next fall.

Sometimes life is frustrating. I pretend I agree with the idea that self-care can prevent emotional falls, but in reality, I think my experience shows that for the most part, self-care is palliative, not preventive. I pretty much lazed around all week and that did absolutely nothing in preparing me for the huge let down of exam grade and key release. It is extremely frustrating that, as seems to always happen, they accepted blatantly wrong answers on questions that I got right through hours of studying because a lot of people didn’t bother and got them wrong, yet my answers on other questions that were nearly correct but not perfect on other questions weren’t accepted…and my grade in that class was already in the danger zone. I know life isn’t fair and the sooner I realize it the happier I’ll be. I know that I miss the fair every year because my stupid school starts ridiculously early in the fall…but I also know that not being fair doesn’t take away the frustration of having spent innumerable hours agonizing over notes when I could have gotten the same grade by going out and partying. It doesn’t take away the sting of knowing there is another seemingly objective item inviting people to reject me. I know that grades are fiction, but I also know that grades are what the real world uses to judge young people’s character. It isn’t necessarily right, but it is the way our world operates. If your grades are lousy then you better hope someone is feeling generous and wants to look past that and offer you a spot anyway.

I would get a lot more done over spring break if I could focus on one thing for more than five minutes at a time…I am kinda mad at myself that I wasted like all of break because I was busy doing I don’t even know what ’cause mostly I sat in front of my computer supposedly studying, but actually not…oops…

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