Sometimes it’s nice to take some time off, do what you really want to do

(Gone Fishin’–Thomas and Friends)

LOL…like anyone really has time for that 🙂

A bad thought to have the last month of the school year: I used to hate facebook mobile so much I refused to use it…I don’t know why I hated it so much…it isn’t as easy to navigate as real facebook, but it really isn’t so bad and there are so many pictures…LOL…famous last words…but actually I was so absorbed in re-organizing my apartment (also a bad plan) that facebooking didn’t last very long…umm, I’m only going to live there another month, so why does everything need to be reorganized so many times? Especially when the final product ended up being 97% the same as the original…what can I say, girl likes familiarity.

I wish we didn’t call things “fruit.” When people start talking about seeing fruit at church I have to work really hard to stay on topic, to avoid the awkward my brain just shot over to how much I love raspberries and kiwis and grapes and plums and cuties and and and…and I just missed the rest of the sentence. Maybe we could call them stuff of the spirit. Stuff and things are like my favorite words. Metaphors are distracting.

You don’t realize how much stuff you have until you start packing and for every bit of stuff you pack it seems like the stuff left unpacked multiplies to take up the space you just picked up…sometimes I wish I were just a little less blessed so that I had less stuff to pack up…either that or that my mom hadn’t insisted that I needed a mattress, printer, and nice table and chairs…so much stuff. And besides, I like sleeping bags, have sat at the table a grand total of 3 times in three years, and have used the printer print a grand total of three pages aside from the test pages.

It may not have been my best plan to put what may very well be my most difficult rotations as my very first two…I was already a little overwhelmed with all the assignments that needed to be done and the places to be…and then I looked at the grading criteria…oh my…looking at that was eye opening…what they presented to us as something not to worry about because we would do fine, looking at the preceptor grading directions, looked a lot more intimidating and challenging than looking at the student version. I might be one of those 5% of people whose GPA is negatively impacted by rotations now that they’ve changed to including rotations in our professional GPA.

I accidentally let myself start hoping on Friday evening and I was really excited…you know that you have been through a lot when it is actually really relieving to wake up Sunday morning not really hoping anymore but not crushed. I find that I am significantly happier with life if I am pleasantly surprised with a positive thing I am thrilled about but didn’t hope for than if I allow myself to hope and sometimes end up crushed when what I was hoping for is squashed into the ground.

Speaking of Saturday, I had a conversation with someone before church, and so much healing happened in that like 10 minute conversation…I could have talked myself in circles for many more hours and made little if any progress and had already been at it more hours than I’d like to admit before I figured out it was time to talk in person to someone who might have answers and/or empathy. There was a situation that had sparked memories of negative things that happened related to church in the past, and therefore I couldn’t pretend the current situation didn’t exist and stick my head in the sand and not worry about it. My past experiences made this very real and very important. I needed to know that I was safe at church. I needed to know that church was not just another place to go to get hurt. I needed to know that people care about each other, not just about looking good or finding lemming-people who will blindly follow without asking questions. I needed to know that simple differences in people’s perspectives could be respectfully accepted. This was different than other situations, because it was the most honest I had ever experienced a church issue, but the honesty didn’t correlate with anywhere close to a fully processed situation until that conversation…not that it is fully processed after that conversation either, but it is a lot closer than it was.

I have been noticing recently how much I don’t know about Christianity. I don’t like how vulnerable that makes me feel. I have read the Bible cover to cover, but my reading comprehension level isn’t such that I necessarily ever get a lot out of it. I took how to read the Bible as a ninth grader, but ain’t nobody got hours upon hours on a regular basis to read the Bible the “right way.” I graduated the class, but I will admit that I don’t even remember all the things you’re supposed to do anymore, much less do I actually do them…especially because I don’t have 40 hours to pour into reading just a couple pages. Three times this week though people have talked about something about Christianity that they expected me to already know and instead I was working on learning…and now on my list of things to learn someday: what does elder, deacon, staff, and pastor actually mean, because some people talk like those are completely different things and other people talk like certain of those terms are one and the same, and I am so lost. (Okay, so I definitely know what staff means, but just not how it relates according to some people or doesn’t according to others to all the other items on the list). I am starting to understand why some people think Christianity seems like a giant exclusive group of insiders. So many things to know to follow along…

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