Just don’t ever let go

(Hang on—Plumb)

How to feel really unprepared for an important exam: the day before spend all morning jumping up and down too excited to study, then spend the afternoon crying and/or trying not to cry because it is over.

Just like people learn to recognize counterfeit money by studying the real thing, seeing real community and people having a good time (together) in my home away from home brought to the forefront the vivid contrast between that and the isolation and lack of inclusion I face every time I come to school.

Seeing it in real life seemed like the very most incredible thing ever, and it was…until it was over and I had to learn to let go all over again but with even fresher images in my head of what I was missing out on. Like switching to a new pair of headphones, you don’t realize how much you’ve been missing until you plug in the brand new pair and accidentally blast your ears out when you only meant to play quiet music, over time you forget how it feels to be actually mostly included until you get a teeny tiny itty bitty taste of it again before having to let go again. Three hundred eighty-nine days.

I got out of class at 1:46…between then and 5:28 I got through almost one sentence of studying…yeah, that is a big problem. Life is hard and not fair, but I will not give up. I will pass this semester and prove that I am too good enough. Thought I couldn’t do 5th year IPPE? Think again! This girl been there done that. I don’t have a grade yet, but I think I did a pretty good job of it. People might do things to me that aren’t fair or even at all okay, but I will get outta here (with a diploma). I will.

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