I don’t want to hate. I don’t want to be broken


Oh my…


Although it was a little shock when I opened the door and had forgotten just how much of a mess I had left, it was kind of stress-relieving to put the shoes back into the bag headed for the trash and throw armloads of clothes back into the basket and put the basket back into its rightful home.

Tuesday was not a wonderful day. I tried really hard to study, but it just feels really hopeless at this point. There is so much to know and so little time. In the past they have put this final in the afternoon the very last day of the semester…AKA 8 extra days to study that I am missing out on because some teacher wanted to get to start their summer early…

Then I went to the most pointless meeting ever. It was required, but they didn’t even take attendance so no one would have really known had I not shown up…and someone else showed up over 30 minutes late and no one said anything. The meeting was primarily to vote for who was going to have the official positions in my stupid fraternity next year. (Note that I think ALL fraternities are stupid, not just mine). As I have discovered this year, being an elected position means that you get an awesome title for your CV that really means “I did absolutely nothing.” On the other hand, having a self-selected position means doing a little actual work. Beyond that, next year I will be a sixth year and therefore am not required to go to a single meeting or do any of your other stupid activities. Not going to lie, I joined Greek life because it was a good resume builder, and I hate everything about it. They say it is the best friends money can buy, and you know what, loving people buys you a lot better friends than money. I would rather pull off all my eyelashes and eyebrows than spend an extended period of time with a lot of these people. I try really hard to be friendly and loving and pray for them on a regular basis, but I’d prefer to know them from a distance. The big draw to this particular fraternity is that you can join Greek life with a minimal time commitment…which is good because the meetings are so annoying. Also, there was this one girl that applied for every single position and lost (hmmm, I wonder why when her speech on why to vote for her was pretty offensive and ended with money is really important and we all want it)…well, that is, she lost every time until it go to the position of picture-taker and she was the only person who ran and therefore won by default. Okay fine, so that particular elected position actually does require the holder to do SOMETHING…but taking pictures of meetings you are already required to be at isn’t exactly a taxing role.

Then the stupid speech. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It was required to pass the speech in order to pass the class, and I did that, so I mean the world didn’t shatter or anything, but it went horrendously. First we had to get our topic a few minutes in advance…but as the coordinator is laying them out on the table and tells us to come get ours and we try to, she tells us to stop because “I have to hand it to you” oh sorry, I guess we are not capable of using alphabetical order and reading and recognizing our own names anymore. Okay, so not a big deal, but it was just one more annoyance to add to the annoyance of the last minute dress code change and that we only had ten minutes to get the topic, write the speech, and run to the third or fourth floor to give the speech.

I knew exactly what I was going to say and rehearsed in my head as I ran. (And usually the only running I do is late). I was confident and knew what was up. Except, I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if you have ever tried to give a speech while unable to breathe, but it is a bit of a challenge. Insert awkward pause in the middle of a sentence that sounds like I just lost my train of thought, but is really trying not to suffocate. I don’t really know what happened. It very well could have been from running up the stairs because there definitely wasn’t time to wait for the elevator. That is what I want to think that it probably was. It could also have been a recurrence of my social issues though…I really don’t want that to be the problem. I didn’t really feel scared, but that doesn’t really rule out social issues—I was never scared to talk to my best friend back before I conquered the social issues, but despite her being near and dear to my heart and working really hard to help me communicate as well as possible (and she definitely knew the tricks and did hear a LOT more of my voice than most people ever heard at the time), she still was absolutely thrilled and quite literally jumped out of her chair and jumped up and down congratulating me when I responded to a question with “I haven’t thought about that” instead of a blank look, shrug, or waiting for the question to become a yes or no that I could answer without words. Yeah, five words was a cause for huge celebration, and I was proud of myself, too, because words were really hard for me. So anyway, I passed the speech, but not by much…

Which increased the frustration and anxiety about the final. I now need a ridiculously high grade to keep the grade that I already have in the class since that brought me to the very bottom of the grade. It might be almost within reach if the exam were only over the new material, but it is cumulative. I hate cumulative exams. I wish I could go back to sixth or seventh grade when cumulative exams weren’t a thing. (I don’t remember whether it was seventh or eighth grade when cumulative exams became a thing, but either way, I don’t like them at all).

And there are a couple people whose heart seems to be in the right place but occasionally drive me crazy because okay, if I take out my headphones, ask you to repeat your question, answer it, then immediately put BOTH headphones back in that should be a good hint that I am doing something important and you shouldn’t be talking to me unless it is important…which generally does not include a lecture on what you are going to eat for lunch tomorrow or a list of all the things you are currently not craving. Patience is a virtue…that is hard.

On the positive side, I also calculated how much I needed to only go down one letter grade, and that came up with a much more realistic number…I guess I will pray for the best and just know that even if I go down a letter grade I will still pass and still go on rotation. Yeah, it will be a little harder to get a residency and I might feel a little frustrated, but at the end of the day, passing and moving on are the most important things, because they mean a freedom I can only dream of right now.


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