I can’t jump in next to anybody. Let me jump right next to you.

(Motion—Plumb)

So yeah, I started writing this post about an hour after I posted my previous post…but I told myself to stop it because I don’t have time for that and because no one probably wants to read two posts from me in the same day, because this is not twitter…so I settled for short phrases describing each paragraph…which of course means I can now only interpret about half of what I was trying to say…but that’s okay, because I had so many more adventures in the intervening time!…yeah, you can either call things an epic fail or an adventure…

Look how much fun finals can be. A lot of stress toys can’t stand up to the way I play with them…hashtag RIP flour filled stress ball that I destroyed in about 10 minutes first year…that was fun to clean up…lol there is totally a clip in that video I referenced in my previous post where the girl had a squishy duck that she broke during the video…that was pretty funny…anyway, so I took apart this toy further than it was able to go back together, but it was even better this way, because I could create a hula water bottle…which is allowed during exams, whereas toys are not. It has, however, since been thrown out because I discovered that something sorta sticky means something that quickly gets disgusting…

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I was thinking in my copious spare time…okay fine, that is a lie, I don’t have spare time…while I was waiting with one hand under the faucet for the water to get moderately warm I was thinking about the two kinds of pride, cocky pride and self-minimizing pride. I really have no idea where I was going with that…but I guess since I brought it up I should note that I don’t think of myself as an overly prideful person, but I definitely lean towards the self-deprecating side when I do act pridefully. I can easily blame it on hearing so many times that I wasn’t worth anything, but in reality, even before I heard that, I wasn’t like a huge fan of myself or anything…

I had another title for this post based on the song Pinterest Parody by WUM, but then I decided that “hate hate hate” wouldn’t make a very appropriate title. “But my husband’s gonna hate hate hate hate hate hate the kitchen in this state state state state.” LOL…I love WUM. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. Be a lover and love the haters—but don’t expect to convert them into lovers…

Hiding is something I’ve realized I do a lot of. Like a toddler without object permanence, I cover my eyes or hide behind my computer screen or turn around—if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist…I’m a child at heart…

So yesterday my church had a prayer event. Technically it also involved fasting, but I do not fast from anything during finals. I used to fast from food once a year for the Lakota Journey preparation and prayer night, so I know I can do it, but during finals is not a good time to take away my coping mechanism. Also, even though I did it because everyone else was, I didn’t really find it was anything more to me than a game, so I don’t think I really got any benefit…also, after I started finding control the only place I could during senior year of high school, food, because so much of my world was unstable, I decided that fasting from food was something I probably shouldn’t do, because it could too easily become dangerous. I’ve read too many stories where one innocent day of fasting or something similar paved the way for a quick onslaught of definite eating disorders, and I definitely don’t need to go down that path. I know that my past with OCD makes me vulnerable to eating disorders (in addition to contributing to disordered eating…), so I don’t need to do anything to invite them in. So anyway, I did the prayer part. It was interesting getting there…I got so lost…I got out my phone and tried really hard to turn on navigation. I wasn’t successful in getting it to talk to me, but I did find out it would be faster to park and walk than to actually drive there. Luckily I didn’t, because when the event ended it was pouring. So, now my soggy backpack and pencil bag are chilling on the floor in my apartment while the stuff I need for the day is in a pile on the floor near a gym bag…but parking further away IDK if my computer and phone could have survived the water…

The last words I said out loud before getting into bed would have been pretty endearing if I hadn’t finished the sentence. “I am very loved” with “and very wet.” I was totally disoriented as I walked towards the event and I suddenly started hearing people screaming my name and it was someone I knew and that was super cool…and I also met someone else who was apparently saying my name because the other person was. So yeah, that was kinda cool. And when I walked in I saw more friends who were also excited to see me. And one of them invited me to sit with her. And that was awesome. And I really shouldn’t start all my sentences with “and.” Two younger girls were sitting next to me. I’m kind of a bad influence because I am a softy (AKA pushover). When they ran out of space on their program to play tic tac toe I gave them more paper…and I didn’t stop them from doodling on themselves…or from going to the bathroom without shoes on…they were super sweet though. One girl asked me if I was a counselor and when I said I was not, she said hi not a counselor, I am also not a counselor and this is my friend not a counselor. I knew the girl’s name that I was talking to, but I was blanking on the other girl’s name so it was good her mom prompted her to introduce us using our actual names…because “hello not a counselor” would be a weird greeting when I see these people again in September…the girl who I knew decided she was coming home with me…yeah, good luck with that…you’re a great kid, but there won’t be room in my car, you probably don’t want to wake up in time to get in the car by 4:30, and I definitely don’t need to be responsible for getting a kid to school and back every day. I walked around waving to all my friends to say goodbye before realizing I needed to get myself home to sleep…anyway, on the positive side I love sleeping with wet hair.

Funny story about that. I took off most of my soaked clothes and hung them out to dry. I got in bed started putting on pajamas and checked the weather…and found out there was predicted to be a lot of hail…I wanted to just pray that the weather people were wrong like usual, but my parents didn’t like that idea, and $500 deductible was enough to get my tired self out of bed. An example of how my brain works (okay doesn’t work) without sleep. I packed my lunch box and a variety of random junk into my backpack, but didn’t bring any clothes, comb, or other useful items…I feel like a real college student now though, because for the first time I had a sleepover at school that didn’t involve a mattress. Although like most sleepovers it didn’t actually involve a lot of sleep, but it was still awesome…and a lot more restful than the night third year that did involve a mattress but also involved me in t-shirt and shorts with a really thin sweatshirt as my pillow and blanket in a room that was freezing cold because it was very winter and no one was living in there at the time so the thermostat was set to not waste energy…

I am so tired…on the positive side, I was functional enough to drive places without running into anything this morning…that would have been bad if I hadn’t…also, for the first time in a long time I actually got a shower at my apartment that was like real warm not lukewarm…

I think I should probably stop writing, because I feel like I am so tired that the coherency of my writing is probably going further and further downhill the longer I write…and probably there are better uses of my time like doing the things on my to do list than writing a blog post…which is not on my to do list…

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