Tired are the eyes that have seen all you’ve seen

(Solomon’s Song–Plumb)

So, umm, there was an event a few months ago that I guess woke up the OCD and while the OCD has stayed subclinical waxing and waning but never becoming overt clinical OCD, it never totally went away again. Which is how I came to be praying Sunday night that I left the garage door open…see, I was a block or so away from my house when I decided I wasn’t sure if I had closed the garage door when I left. I really wanted to go back and check but I told myself no. I almost turned around at like each intersection and by the time I got to church for the Faith Family celebration (AKA, more kid time for me), I was close to 100% convinced that the door was open and there was going to be stuff stolen and I was going to have to explain what happened. I didn’t have time to go all the way back home and come back again, but I still couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. Never has coming home to a closed garage door led to such a mixed feeling of relief and shame. Also, never have I whimpered to myself so much about taking out the trash…although that was partly bad attitude. I was annoyed that I couldn’t remember for sure whether the trash was supposed to be on the left or the right side and I already hate taking out the trash because it feels disgusting, so I was just so over the whole trash thing…not going to lie though, I definitely did go inside to put on socks before I touched the trash can (with just my right hand) because getting socks on one-handed would be a challenge, and I definitely didn’t want to wear socks contaminated with trash can hands.

Half of me wants help because I know how awful living with it can get if it takes over again. The other half of me says great idea, but we all know that isn’t practical and more likely to just result in bigger problems especially when this is only a minor inconvenience at this point to which I am overreacting.

I love being home though. I got to see my best friend a few times already and put her littlest to sleep twice (although the second time was short-lived when I had to hand him off to change another child’s diaper…sometimes I hate the whole only adults can change diapers thing…) and also got to see the sweet older two…

Of course I didn’t wait until the night before the rotation to even go looking for the quantify website…and then discovered that my site wasn’t there…oops…and I totally didn’t get distracted and save the whole reading the ridiculously long syllabus thing for the morning…I totally am not rushing through it to check it off the list before I run out the door.


5 thoughts on “Tired are the eyes that have seen all you’ve seen

  1. It sounds like you’ve dealt with OCD before in the past, is this true? I don’t think you’re over reacting at all, and that part of you that feels that way may just be the OCD wanting to take hold of you again. I think it would be wise to get help now, before it tumbles off into taking over your life. It’s okay to get help and especially a good idea to get help before things being to unravel.

    Try exposing yourself to some of the OCD worries, like, it’s awesome that you didn’t go back to check on the garage door (that would be a compulsion and just giving into the OCD) but try and think to yourself “Yeah, maybe I left it open or maybe I didn’t. It’s possible I left it open. I’m just going to have to sit with that anxiety.” It’s the idea behind probability vs possibility. I could write more but I have to be going myself, if you’d like to chat more about it, feel free to message me. ❤

    Take care!

    1. Yes, I do have a h/o OCD 2/2 social anxiety/possible SM. OCD was also my assigned research topic for a semester, so I definitely am familiar with how to keep it at bay. Caring enough and having the accountability enough to actually do what I should are sometimes lacking–especially now that it so mild…and usually obsessions without the compulsions, and pure O is the side that I can’t really treat because my imagination skills are so marginal…

      1. SM? Sorry, there’s so many acronyms when it comes to this stuff, I can hardly keep up with all of them ^^;

        Ohhh, well that’s good!!
        I understand what you mean, I had trouble with that at one point, myself.
        Hm, I’m not sure I get what you mean at the end, could you rephrase that?

        1. Sorry! I am a pharmacy student, so I live in a world of abbreviations…SM=selective (elective) mutism. It is a disorder in which the patient has very limited speech in certain circumstances despite fluency in other areas.

          Because the OCD tendencies are so mild right now, I am essentially pure O, because I am not actually doing the compulsions–I know ERP for pure O is supposed to involve imaginal exposure, but my imagination skills aren’t developed enough to actually get into it–I am a concrete thinker.

          1. Ohhh I see!
            Well that kinda sucks! 😦 I’m sure there is hope still yet, maybe you can find some coping strategies that will help you better. Maybe talking through types of exposures would help or writing them down a bunch?

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