You are bigger than the scars that you feel at night

(Head Underwater–Plumb)

Rotation is so much better than school. School isn’t about learning so much as it is about proving that you learned. For that matter, at school, they don’t really care that much if you learned anything as long as you could prove that you learned by guessing randomly…or cheating. I know cheating is a thing even though I don’t personally participate in that practice…and I also know that the system is kind of broken because for the most part people don’t get turned in and in exchange the people who do get turned it tend to get over-punished to make up for the people who didn’t get turned in which means that people are even less likely to turn people in and that people falsely accused by a teacher are more likely to just accept it than to fight it. I did have a teacher who accused people of cheating when a lot of them didn’t (I didn’t), but he was just going to take off points but if anyone complained we would all be going to the ridiculous committee where he would make sure we failed the class…umm, yeah, no one was going to whine about that. I will definitely take a bad grade over a failed class, and I still don’t do a good job of standing up for myself, but I was even less good at that back then (not that it helped that I was constantly being told how useless I was). Although, I still wouldn’t have had a bad grade in the class if he had graded the other assignments and exams fairly…or if he actually knew how to teach…or if a completely separate situation in my life hadn’t been going on in what should have been the background but in reality was in the foreground a lot of the time…and somehow despite everyone else seeing it I still had my head in the sand trying to make it work. Like my carpool buddy used to say a lot “I can’t fix stupid.” I would also add that I can’t fix things like self-centeredness among other things.

So anyway, back to rotation, if I am learning something it is generally because I *wanted* to learn about it because it is applicable to real life…and I NEVER have to prove that I learned. My preceptor is also awesome and if I don’t want to do a reading she’d rather I just didn’t than try to force my way through it (so far I still am in the student mindset though and I definitely did spend a few hours trying to read a few pages that went so far over my head in immunology that it really just frustrated me so much that the stuff I did know on the topic also left my brain). I never have to learn about something that doesn’t matter in real life first because my preceptor would have no reason to suggest it, and second because if I didn’t want to that would be okay, and if I don’t care then I probably won’t do it. (Not caring and not understanding are very different scenarios). I have always loved learning…but the problem with school is that I have always hated proving that I learned. What I know and how well I can perform on a test are very different things, and that adds to the frustration that is school.

I gave my first presentation this week. I didn’t think it went that well, but like everything else I got a lot of positive feedback. Now I am working on my second presentation. It is a lot harder because after countless hours of research I ended up with an article on immunizations to present. While I definitely agree that vaccinations are hugely important, everyone else in my audience likely also agrees so pulling a presentation together on that is challenging…and is the reason that my room is getting a lot differently organized (can’t really say more organized—that would imply that my room doesn’t still look like a tornado went off).

I also decided if I was presenting on vaccination I should probably also read ahead on the vaccination stuff…this is what giving up looks like…


Yeah, I didn’t even think about fixing the spelling of “give” and “birth.” I know what I meant, and some things just aren’t important enough to be worth my time…no one is going to ever read my notes with the possible exception of myself…someday I’ll slow down enough to get the letters in order.

I am still drowning in readings (hey, slow reader over here…okay, and distractible reader…), and I have so much to do, but I love my rotation…which is why I volunteered to come in today (my day off) because there was more I wanted to do and see. There just aren’t enough hours in a day or days in a week. I also got to spend a couple hours at work this week…there have been a few changes, but really, coming back is just like falling off a bike. I’m not really sure what that means, but that’s what someone always tells me…

Also, none of my patients died this week, but one did go home, and another that I recommended go to a step down unit did. This week I commented that a few of my patients were pretty much healthy…except for not being able to breathe…they kinda get boring at that point…it takes time to wean off of respiration support so when that is the only thing left before the kid goes home, I lose interest…which is why I anticipate that this week there is a good chance I will go beyond the recommended 5-10 patients to follow and get my 11th patient so that there is something interesting going on with more of my patients…

Another awesome thing about rotation is that I feel safe there. It feels so good to be able to do what I want and go where I want without weighing the relative safety of that option, because everything is pretty safe. It kind of makes me want to cross the residencies near school off my list just because I know on a bad day at school even going to the grocery store was something I did with caution out of fear of what might happen, so being back in that environment might not be good. On the flip side, graduating might put that enough behind me that it feels safe enough…IDK…that isn’t a decision that needs to be made today.


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