Monthly Archives: July 2016

I’m not finished yet

(Mended—Matthew West)


Sometimes when I have a million things I should be doing I feel overwhelmed and end up getting pretty much nothing done which just contributes to the problem and makes the amount to do versus time ratio tip even further away from my favor…so we’re just going to add even further by writing a blog post instead…I always heard it was a good idea to find something you are good at and keep doing it, and I rock at procrastination.


I should be working on choosing and applying for residencies. I should be unpacking/organizing the stuff that came home from school with me. I should be more actively looking for midyear roommates and signing up for a hotel room. I should be working on getting ready for my next rotations…just to name a few of the things I should be doing…


Without sugar or other intake I still start slipping into anxiety if I am not doing something else either entertaining or at least mind-occupying. I hate that some of that stuff has come back into my life. I am very much aware that most likely without the really heavy stressors this year at school that it wouldn’t have come back, but just like so many other things, I can’t take those things back. A bad day isn’t the same as a bad life. Even without good grades, people who know me know that I am someone you want on your team, because I don’t do things halfway—I will throw all of me into what I am doing if I am given an opportunity to try, and I also am pretty good at training myself and can finish most projects quickly…but sometimes I worry that my bad grades and the things I am not good at will disqualify me before I ever get a chance to show what I can do. The very nature of being evaluated means that I won’t be able to work to my highest potential because the fear of not being good enough or making a mistake makes me more likely to not do as well…I guess that is what BJBH was talking about with test anxiety…


Because of needing sugar to maintain cognition and because I am lousy at estimating how much food I need and therefore ate a ton (not literally probably) of extra food so I didn’t have to pack it…umm, that might be why when I tried to get dressed the first day of my first rotation that it took a few pairs of pants before I found one that I could get all the way and zipped up. I know it is bad to want to be skinny, but if I am being honest, I kind of do want to be skinny, but it is also really important to me to not be anorexic, and drawing the line between not eating because “I want to be skinny” versus not eating because “I don’t really need it” is a really thin line in the sand. I know that eating frequently is probably good for me considering that my blood glucose was on the low side when I did the health screening at work, but I also know that I probably nutritionally didn’t need 10 snickers bars this morning. I don’t really know where to draw the line…I just know that eating makes me feel good and I’d rather be happy than skinny. If I’m doing something like VBS I can be just fine not eating usually because I am having so much fun in leadership and hanging out with my little buddies, but as soon as the last kid is picked up there is a high probability of having some kind of issue if there aren’t snacks in my bag or another exciting activity to do next.


Sleep obviously is important and adds vulnerability towards having problems…which is why some people might criticize that I wasted gas and time driving to church after work yesterday when I had very little intention of actually participating in any of the activities since there weren’t any areas for me to serve…but when faced with the options of staying after the last kid was picked up at 9:15 Thursday night when the germ anxiety was already starting to set in versus leaving work a little early and asking someone at church to unlock my classrooms to clean up, I will happily pick up toys for 45 minutes on Friday evening instead of Thursday night. My sanity is worth something, so the gas and time for those miles was well-spent to get an extra 45 minutes in bed on Thursday…just going to say that not only do things tend to go more smoothly in my experience leading this age group for VBS, but it also is a lot easier to clean up when the toys from three rooms are not all mixed together. Trying to decide what should go where induces a high level of decision fatigue that leads to the shape sorter being filled with no pieces that belong to it, because I eventually gave up matching the pieces to the toys…my favorite kind of toys are the ones that have no detachable pieces…the room at least looks well-organized as long as you don’t look too closely. A lot of things should probably move to the lost and found, but in reality no one is going to actually pick up their black hair binder or silver clip from the lost and found anyway.


I miss VBS week so much already. I miss all my kiddoes and I miss seeing my best friend every day…but I also miss my school area people…and if VBS week just went on repeat I’d never get as far as going back there and seeing those friends…but at the same time I don’t want to go back. There are all the usual things to stress about like trying to hide from the person who is one of the main reasons the hospital closest to my school was so totally out of the running of places to apply for residency…and then also that the wonderful person I am staying with said that I was going to become less picky this year…and okay, I used to be an extreme picky eater, so the fact that I am only a kind of picky eater now is pretty good for me, but becoming an adventurous eater is terrifying, because there are a lot of things that no matter how hungry I am are going to be a major battle with myself to get anything ingested…something tells me that I’m not going to get away with substituting peanut butter and jelly for grilled cheese or getting some meat saved without the sauce…just thinking about it I realize how many things we do at my house to accommodate a variety of preferences that might not fly in the house of someone intent on making me more adventurous. I’m perfectly happy with tacos and ramen for lunch and dinner. They say variety is the spice of life—so I guess it makes sense that I am fine without a high level of variety seeing as how there are a lot of “spices” I don’t like…I’m way less picky than my brother and also a ton less picky than I used to be—I wish that counted for something. Lol, why wait until to tomorrow to worry about what you could worry about today. Worry is one of the few things on which I do not generally procrastinate. I am an A-student in the worry department! See, I do excel in some things!…just not the right things.


Don’t You Know Jericho’s Got Walls Over Ten Feet Thick

(You can’t win a battle with a horn, oh silly Joshua—The Donut Man)


Today I rode my bike for the first time since last summer…I am so out of shape. It was short. Very short. In distance, that is, not duration. It actually was quite a long time in duration.


It might not be much, but I can’t do everything, and it is one better than doing nothing. I love riding my bike. It gives me time all by myself to be independent and think. Today I was thinking about how my God is big enough to make the wind and the waves, but I also believe not only can he make those big things, but he can make a peanut butter sandwich. The little things matter.


I’m out of shape, so there is definitely no way I can go on a “real” bike ride right now, but having a little time to ride my new bike I bought myself last year as a pre-graduation gift, and the new helmet I got for Christmas, was so awesome. Are there a million other things I should have been working on…umm, yeah, but everyone deserves a break sometimes. Even if you haven’t actually started anything yet to earn a break.


I don’t have many hours at work…so sometimes I’m lonely during the day…but I am thrilled that I get some hours with the people I love, and I also adore my time at VBS.