Open Up My Eyes

(Wake Up Wake Up–Everyday Sunday)

Some days are hard.

Let me amend that.

Some nights and mornings are hard.

So, on Sunday I went exploring, because God created this huge world for me and I pretty much only venture as far as the kitchen and back to my room. This was not a very well thought out plan and it was HOT outside and very bug-y…and I wasn’t wearing sunscreen or bugspray. Luckily I stayed in the shade, so I didn’t really turn bright red, but the bugs LOVED me.

Last night I was so itchy that I couldn’t fall asleep…and this morning I noticed I had scratched one of the bites so much that the area was a bit scabby…oops.

Maybe I’m the only one that does this, but if I’m exhausted and I haven’t gotten out of bed yet in the morning, I might dream even though I am definitely awake. So that happened this morning.

So there is this one person whom I had not seen since May…actually a lot of people, but one particular person who was in this dream. For lack of a better moniker, I’ll call this person Shoe. Don’t ask me where I came up with that…it was pretty much just the first word that came into my head as I looked down to come up with an object as a name…Lol…

So anyway, in the dream, I was sitting in front of my laptop at my desk at the hospital at which I am on rotation. I glanced up to check if there was anyone around who might need something from me. I saw Shoe. I was terrified and angry and scared and upset. Not much more happened in the dream because that was so upsetting that it shocked me the rest of the way alert and out of bed. Even though I knew it was a dream, it left me feeling really scared and uneasy. I guess distance made me forget how painful the memory of that person is. Also, that situation is pretty much if you’d asked me the worst thing that could possibly happen on rotation, the situation that I would have come up with. It is pretty typical of Shoe to find a way to completely violate me even if it means being somewhere I am that it would be a challenge or at least an inconvenience for Shoe to get to.

By the time I recovered enough to work on homework it was time to shove food I my lunch box and shove feet in my shoes (note the lack of capital letters to denote literal shoes versus the person…I definitely did not think this through when I picked a random name. So much for going through things in the morning.

Anyway, all day a thin blanket of anxiety about it has been clinging to my shoulders. I feel frustrated because I don’t want this person to have so much power over me. If I could just stop reacting it wouldn’t matter what this person did (or in the case of dreams didn’t do…).

But I am not a baby. I saw this person in real life today and it wasn’t all sunflowers and ponies or anything, but it actually wasn’t that bad. Plus this person totally left me alone today in real life(!!!!!), so maybe this person FINALLY has moved on from trying to make my life harder. Yay!! That is one of the most exciting things that could happen!

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