I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

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