Monthly Archives: February 2017

If the world would stop spinning, would you even notice if I wasn’t there?

(candycoatedwaterdrops – plumb)

I am stressed out.

I know I am not supposed to share any part of my rank list…but…let’s just say that somewhere I have wanted to be a resident forever is one of the two places I am interviewing tomorrow during snowmageddon.

How do you interview when you not only know, but have trained, been precepted by, or both almost all of the people interviewing you? Like 99% of the things I have managed to come up with something to say about besides I don’t know in my other interviews doesn’t exactly work when it’s all things that happened with the person interviewing me…(have I mentioned I am lousy at interviewing and even though I am more than halfway done am still answering most questions with umm I don’t know?)…

The upstairs people know and love me…they are the ones who tell me they don’t want me to ever leave and who appreciatively text me over what I see as just doing my job…but the downstairs people are the ones interviewing me…One of the other people who wants the same position as me is a downstairs person who is known and loved…for that matter, the rest of the external candidates (and any other internal candidates I don’t know about) are also possibly tough competition, because I am lousy at this whole interviewing thing. Sure, on paper I am a great person, but they aren’t hiring a paper, they are hiring a person, and in person it takes some time for me and someone else to calibrate so that they understand me and I am comfortable with them. I don’t know if they are going to want me, and if the people who already know me don’t want me then how much less are the people who met me for only a day going to want me?…and since I want pediatrics, chances are I won’t get it if I don’t match in the first round, because that is extremely competitive…

At rotation today when I wasn’t driving all over the suburbs (thank God for the google maps app on my phone…) picking up drugs we needed I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to enter and fill and make phone calls all at once while everyone yelled at me about things that needed to get done. Y’all, I am ONE person and am not even supposed to be spending much time in any of the work queue’s, much less three or four of them at once or driving around the area. I might be able to work at the speed of multiple people in certain situations, but there is a limit on what I am capable of, and talking to one person while listening to two others and counting is not something I can do…I’m not ignoring you or lollygagging, I am working on the 20 other people waiting.

And supposedly I am writing a paper right now…a paper that is due by Monday…that was assigned two weeks ago…that I started yesterday…and by started I mean I saved a couple links to articles in my browser…which means there is no way I will actually have the articles I need in time to actually write the paper in time…not to mention with an interview tomorrow and another on Monday I don’t exactly have all the time in the world to spend time on this paper anyway…

Not to mention all the other things that need my attention and need it now…

Also, I got an article in my inbox a couple days ago about the abysmal pass rates of the NAPLEX (licensing exam) recently…yeah, guess who has mostly only given lip service to studying…and then there are the MPJE (law) exams for each state I need a license in…and hoping the MN board doesn’t complain too much about my lack of following directions on hours forms…

Can I please have like 5 clones of myself?

So When my heart hits the floor I can recalibrate

(Eye on it – TobyMac)

So you might expect based on my experience of midyear that presenting at the ISD ### STEM Career Fair would be something I would refuse…well, because I don’t say no to things I feel like I should do, I said sign me up. I mean, I could kinda sorta be in charge, and being in a leadership position is something that makes me a LOT more comfortable in pretty much any situation, so how bad could it be surrounded by 3000ish or so strangers? As it turns out, I loved it!! It would have been a lot better if I’d gotten there in time to shove some more food in my face before it started, but even so, I had a really good time.

Would I prefer a quieter place to sit down with people in a smaller setting – umm yeah, I would probably prefer that, but I had no problem at all (once it had started) with the actual set up. I was a little scared going into it, but I really had a lot of fun. That gives me a lot of hope because while I do probably have to go to midyear again this year, and while there are a lot of parts of midyear I can’t change, the one part that does change is that I get to spend some of my time on the other side of the table. And it’ll be even better than the prospective student open house I volunteered with at school because I won’t have anyone else to keep track of and find ways to get away from…and I suspect I likely will be able to speak about it honestly without risk of getting myself in trouble…see, when you sign up to volunteer your time talking to prospective students, there is an unwritten expectation that you won’t be one of those people telling them to run while they still can, nor will you be honest about things…it feels icky to lie or tell half truths about what something is like…while there were parts of that open house I kinda liked, I very did not like that I would be partly responsible for potentially getting some of these students trapped at my school. Yes, I do know it is improving and things are getting better, but I also know the worst offender is still employed there. I want to protect people, and I was torn, because I am loyal to a fault even towards people who don’t deserve my loyalty…but I also want to protect the potential new students. That whole open house I was just hoping they could all get connected with someone who would help keep them safe and maybe they wouldn’t get as hurt as a lot of people have.

Mostly unrelated, but I am driving to somewhere for an interview somewhere tomorrow (well the interview is Monday…but I’m driving tomorrow…). I may have had a little meltdown because I was so frustrated trying to figure out travel plans…and that is why you shouldn’t leave travel plans for the last minute…so there are tolls…and I don’t have enough time to go looking for an I-pass or EZ-pass…and I also didn’t have much cash and my dad says even though they say to go 5 miles per hour around the tolls that in reality people are going 50 miles per hour and there is no way I will be stopped or slowed long enough to write down how much toll to pay online when I get home…and I had only a $10 bill at home…

So problem number one was finding an ATM to get some money and an open bank to get a pile of ones and nickles…

The next problem was that a quick google search showed that the parking garage next to the hospital cost $52 (not a typo) to park for the day…umm yeah…I can take an uber or lyft both directions for less than that. Turns out there is a bus that goes pretty much exactly where I want to go…the only issue is that I’ve only ever ridden a public transit bus for that one assignment first year that was quickly scrapped after my class when they had some groups done in 5 minutes by driving, other groups (like mine) with no drivers who took 5 hours to not complete the assignment because upon consultation with a police officer we found, the address we were instructed to check in at did not exist, and finally I have heard of at least one group that ended up stranded downtown until 9pm…For that assignment they gave us very detailed instructions about what to do to ride buses and the metrolink to get where we needed to be and handed out metro passes before we started. (Well, I guess really good directions except for that one group who got stranded and the fact that my group’s directions tried to get us somewhere that didn’t exist). So anyway, all that to say I’ve never ridden a public transit bus but for a savings of $48 I figured it was probably better. As much as I hate the airport, I’m thinking if I ever have to do this again, I’d fly and take buses and trains the rest of the way. There is supposedly free parking where I am staying overnight and I plan on leaving my car there during the day while I am at the hospital, but all the rest of it is overwhelming…which is why on today when I was supposed to be super focused on getting homework it got to be noon and all I’d done was work on transportation for this interview…I still need to pack and do homework…

Yep, I’m kinda whiny today…that’s what happens when I’m stressed out for a long time and have almost continuously had colds since the second week of January…see, at work everyone was passing colds around, my family had colds, the people at my previous rotation had colds, the people interviewing me at one of the hospitals had just finished having colds and at another one currently had colds and all the people in the nursery one week had colds not to mention all the airport and airplane time and then I started my next rotation and they were passing around a cold, and I spent time at a high school…so basically as soon as I get over one cold, I’ve been picking up another one…someday I’ll be fully healthy again…

I saw something on facebook that says “Don’t call me overdramatic. If an octopus is stressed out it will eat itself. That is overdramatic.” I liked that a lot…yep, after trying to figure out this whole interview thing I declared that I was no longer even interested in having a residency if it meant going there…umm yeah…I’m not stupid enough to let this frustration get in the way of getting what I want…plus, I filed my taxes yesterday and for the first time I have an awesome refund coming my way!! It’s too bad I don’t get any city taxes back, because I feel like those are the biggest rip-off. I hate paying taxes…like I get the government is in debt, but not spending so much money would be a lot more helpful for the government than taking away the money I earned. Not saying, just saying. I deleted the rest of this paragraph because it wasn’t very respectful…

My internship forms were due like yesterday…one of them is currently in my folder and the other is not currently in my possession nor is it in the possession of the board of pharmacy…yep…I am a super responsible student…I tried…and failed…moral of the story, never try :).

I ain’t like no one you met before

(Sold Out – Hawk Nelson)

So today I realized that I graduate in 92 days and my intern manual (required to get a pharmacist license) was lost again…if there were a prize for the most lost manual, I’d be the biggest loser and therefore the winner…on the positive side, it is found again…but I also forgot to get my hours form signed for this rotation…and I seem to have lost the precious few hours forms I actually did remember to save and therefore may still have some difficulty getting licensed…someday I will be a more responsible adult…
See, if my memory serves me correctly, I got my intern materials in the mail the summer my life was spinning out of control. I didn’t really have the brain space to read and process all the paperwork in that envelope and it all sat in the envelope it came in for months on the back burner. I got as far as remembering that the manual existed and that there were forms that needed to be signed. It wasn’t until this summer that I actually went through that paperwork and learned that I was supposed to have been saving a copy of each pre- and post- experience hours form.
I don’t have much of an excuse for my manual continuing to get lost aside from the fact that it is really hard to keep track of anything when you don’t consistently live in the same state and are constantly packing up and moving multiple times per year…
So I now have a half completed manual and two hours forms which add up to 400 hours…of the 1600 required hours…Yeah, we better hope the board of pharmacy keeps track of the forms too and really saving them is only suggested for disputes over hours…I admit that I shouldn’t have let that stuff stay on the back burner so long.
As for the form I forgot this rotation, I think that should be an easily excusable offense although it truly is idiotic from the outside. See, last Monday I had an interview and was out a little late getting home from that. I gave a case presentation on Friday and was mostly caught up on sleep then I flew out to another interview that took place on Monday. Sunday night I was up like 15 minutes late because I fail at telling time. Monday night I was up late because my flight got in a little late and so by the time I got home it was after midnight. I usually go to bed at 9pm. Tuesday I left my rotation a little a lot early to head back to the airport. That flight got in on time, but it was scheduled to arrive at 8:57pm so obviously by the time I was at my location for the night it was after bedtime and by the time I got to bed it was between 30 and 60 minutes past bedtime. Then Wednesday night I had a super tight connection. At the airport I started at I learned that the gate my connection was leaving vs the gate my first flight was arriving at were the two most distant points in the airport and my directions were to run, get on the moving sidewalks, and push people out of my way. That was before my flight landed (2-3 minutes) late. I ran like my life depended on it. It was like the mile run in school where there was no way of knowing how long you had been running but they threatened to fail anyone who couldn’t finish within 12 minutes and even though I knew they probably wouldn’t do it, I was terrified and ran my little heart out despite how much it hurt. So there I was, running full speed through the airport on the moving sidewalks, gently pushing people out of my way, heart and lungs burning so so badly. I made it to my gate with probably less than a minute to spare before doors closed and showed the dude my boarding pass (which at this point was a little crumpled and sweaty). He looked at me and I half asked/half demanded to board. The airline dude was like we aren’t currently boarding. Inside my head I was freaking out because I thought I missed my flight and was super frustrated, because control freak that I am, I was sure maybe I could have pushed just a little harder and gotten there a few seconds sooner and gotten on that plane. Luckily, while my brain was catching up and processing what to say to get my butt back home ASAP, the dude saw my confused look and asserted that nobody was boarding anywhere because the computer system went down.
Y’all, there are a lot of idiots and jerks in the airport, but there are also some really compassionate people. Some people offered me a seat and encouraged me that I worked really hard and didn’t miss my flight. Eventually I did board the plane and get home. When we arrived, the flight attendants made a very important announcement that this was the very last flight in for the night and therefore do not forget anything anywhere because everyone will be leaving behind you and no one will be available to help you retrieve lost items…hearing that I was super thankful that I was on that flight and not stranded in an airport far away. I may have been wearing a top that was just barely more than a tank top and the temperature may have been approximately 0 degrees, but luckily the towel in my backpack was clean, dry, and easily accessible, and became my cape to stay warm. I finally got home. Let’s just say that when I was already crashing on top of my computer before the first flight started that by this point I was so extremely sleep deprived that there was no hope of organized thoughtful processes occurring.
By the time I got home it was around 1:30am. I was getting read for bed when of course the sleep deprivation started sparking a level of anxiety I couldn’t ignore. See, my overactive imagination determined that someone might have thrown up on the last flight I was on and I was terrified and my fried brain couldn’t process that there really wasn’t any good evidence that had happened and that even if it had that there was a good chance it was just motion sickness and no more dangerous than the person coughing a row in front of me. I wanted Lysol and didn’t have any. Instead I had to compromise with myself and use a Clorox wipe on my hair and skin before I could go to bed. By the time I had done this, brushed my teeth, put on pajamas, I had about 3 hours before my mom woke me up (because of course I slept through my alarm). I raced through showering and throwing random food in the mini-lunch box I’d left on the table on Tuesday afternoon that had previously been used for a frozen dinner and apple and pepperoni on Tuesday when I was also in a rush trying to catch up on a few minutes of sleep. I got to rotation on Thursday and had a preceptor I didn’t click well with and was so frustrated that a couple times during the day I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry and calm down. I gave my journal club presentation, and as you can expect, it didn’t go super well when I had almost fallen asleep during the other student’s presentations. I also hadn’t remembered to bring handouts. That morning I’d been so tired that I had trouble leaving because I couldn’t remember where the door was (and my parents have lived here since I was in second grade)…I went to bed at like 6 or 7 on Thursday, but it wasn’t enough and even with more than one alarm set I managed to sleep through them and be in a rush again. And that is how after having a few pieces of pepperoni an orange, and some cheerios I was too tired to eat for lunch on Thursday, having the rest of the cheerios for dinner, then having skittles, pepperoni, rice, almost pudding (I didn’t have cow milk to make instant pudding appropriately), and a pecan pie flavored sucker for lunch, I failed to even remember that there was a form that existed that needed to be signed much less to actually ask to have said form signed…my lungs still hurt at that point from running through the airport, and I was still fighting to stay awake. Finally today my lungs and heart don’t hurt anymore!! (And this is why I will never ever ever have any interest in becoming a runner. I like my bike. I like swimming. I like rollerblading. I do not like running).
On the positive side, as I was getting ready to take a nap so that I could safely drive home without risking falling asleep, I realized that it was only legal to park where I was parked until 4pm and it was currently 3:40pm, and somehow that triggered me to remember to turn in my nametag before I left, because the original plan a week ago was to park not to sleep, but to have somewhere legal and free to put my car while I was turning in my tag. So I did at least turn that in so that I don’t automatically fail the rotation for failing to turn in my nametag!! Unfortunately that used up all 20 minutes of my legal nap time…so I came home, luckily with only almost running into other big iron things, and napped and it wasn’t until now that I realized I had other responsibilities that had not been performed.
And with that, I am going to sleep now, because I am still desperately short on sleep hours.
Maybe with some sleep it won’t feel anymore like no one is going to want me for a residency…I try really hard, but I am lousy at interviews and I know it. I feel no one is going to want to take a chance on me. Because of that fear, I also plan to rank every program I applied to even if I am not a super fan of the people there or the program. I am desperate to just get SOMETHING.