Where many a dream has died…we were made to die

(Casting Crowns – Thrive)

Looking at the title of this song, I am pretty sure that I’ve had the lyrics wrong…We were made to thrive is a lot more positive and makes a lot more sense in a Christian song, but TBH, we were made to die is technically also true…and is a truth I am living right now. I am very much aware the only thing that lasts forever is heaven so I really only have to keep holding on second to second, hour by hour, day by day until I get to go to my forever home. None of this is forever.

Basically, this post is the same as my last post, only written when calm enough the sentences and paragraphs might actually make sense and the content is moderately more appropriate. I recognize this still is probably moderately inappropriate, but it is far better than the last post which I was smart enough to password protect due to a few sentences that were wildly inappropriate. (Of course, wildly inappropriate in my world which might very well mean barely scratching the surface of the realm of you might want to rethink that sentence in the outside world).

What do you do when your dreams have died?

It feels like sadness. It feels like betrayal. It feels like disappointment. It feels like frustration. It feels like overwhelm. It feels like I should stop this paragraph before I say something I will regret.

I only ever imagined myself in one particular position. I graduate in May and so I applied to nine positions. I didn’t get any of those positions. I think if I had gotten almost any of those positions I would have been very happy with it. Now that I didn’t get any position, not to mention that one position, it seems like that is the only position that would make me happy and put me in the correct trajectory. I am not a quitter so I am trying again even though I told myself before that if I didn’t match I was going to get a job at Caribou, but I feel like all I am doing is spending a lot of money and time to put myself through a hard position I don’t even want. I wish I were in a different career where at least if you are having to go through the second phase all the application fees are waived…I know one exists because I was on the wrong website one day…

Caribou seems like a good fit. It is a good way to increase my conversational skills and confidence – the areas that I think are probably what kept me from obtaining a position even though no one seems to want to tell me that despite the fact that I made it very clear that my preferred learning style is to have lots of frequent specific feedback. Plus, I tried and failed. Maybe I should listen to what people have been trying to tell me and take a year to re-evaluate whether I should really be a pharmacist…although that is not to say that I don’t recognize that my plan B of social work probably isn’t a career that fits my skillset much better. And I am very much aware that everyone would probably be right in telling my I was throwing away my skills if I worked at Caribou long term.

It seems like I have very few long term goals, but the ones I do get crushed.

  • Graduation and my (old) church
  • My college choice (didn’t crush me emotionally though until problems started cropping up)
  • My college classes (I probably would have made the same choice either way, but I don’t appreciate being lied to as a persuasive technique)
  • Becoming an RA (or not)
  • Loving my abuser into not hurting me or anyone else (I will admit this one was a Very Stupid Dream and one that I should have realized wasn’t even a good idea)
  • Being a straight-A student
  • Residency at a particular institution

Like some people said on a TV show I was watching: A: I want what they have. B: What is that? A: They are happy. (pause) B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!! A/B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!!

I want to be happy. I saw a big sign that said Take the time to stop and smell the dead grass. I’m not quite sure what the intent was, but I decided it means it is okay to take a break and cry…but I don’t want to. I just want to be happy…but it’s hard when everything my life is built around is out of reach. It’s hard when I am faced with daily reminders of what I can’t have. Pretty sure the only long sleeves I’ve worn in the past year and a half were my winter coat, white coat, and the sweatshirt jacket with the logo of my dream job. The only t-shirts I’ve worn in months are the ones with the logo of my dream job. I own like four badge reels and all have the logo of my dream job. I go to work at the location of my dream job. I make and receive calls from people in the position I wanted that might have been involved in not wanting me. Ninety five percent of my friends in the state I call home are my friends at the location of my dream job.

Before anything happened I knew this week would be hard because next week I have to go back to the physical building of school…now I barely care about that…small blessings? I mean at least if I am already crushed it’ll be hard to crush me further.

Totally unrelated, but I bet you didn’t know they sold 16.9 ounce water bottles in purse size…well, I suppose it wasn’t sold that way, but it was in my hand when I was driving home and then I looked down and it was in my purse…wadded up. We’re not going to talk about driving right now. After totally missing my exit on the way home from work on Sunday, I am now driving with GPS. I saw an accident yesterday and was very glad it wasn’t me…and luckily a very nice pickup truck driver stopped to let me in his lane so I didn’t make a bad choice and turn into a neighborhood where I was going to be completely lost…and potentially go down the rabbit trail of wondering if one of the houses I was passing was the one that I had picked out on Craigslist as my future residence (as a room rental…I certainly don’t need an entire house when I was perfectly happy in 305 square feet).

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